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Very religious family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Johnviolist, Jul 31, 2013.

  1. Johnviolist

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    Hi, I am 17. I have always liked guys. I just didn't know it till maybe 15. At that point it scared me half to death as I have been raised in an extremely conservative Christian home (we're talking head coverings and stuff like that.) I have feelings to for girls sometimes, however I am almost positive I am gay. I wouldn't say I've accepted that, especially as I know that I won't be supported by my family or friends. I've even heard friends say they wish they could kill all gays and lesbians. My parents and church feel that it should be a crime punishable by Capitol punishment. Furthermore, I really don't want to be gay, just cuz it seems so much harder. I understand that it this age, feeling and those things are all jumbled up and I can't trust them. But it seems like I am always depressed. Family stress, school stress and knowing that ill never be excepted by the people I hang out with as who I am is really hard. I really don't know what to do. I need to accept my sexuality. I know that. But how can I even start to do that in my situation? And also, I don't want to e one of those guys that wears tight clothing and is referred to as weird (no offense to anyone.) But I am honestly just plain scared shitless. Any ideas?
    Thanks
     
  2. resu

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    You're still a minor, so there isn't much you can do without your parents' permission. I suggest waiting it out and going to a college far from home, where you can have real freedom.

    Being gay can be hard, but you can't force yourself to turn straight, so the sooner you learn to deal rationally with your orientation, the sooner you can gain confidence and get on with your life. Start by avoiding trying to push yourself too much to be stereotypically straight, like feigning attraction for girls. Try looking for people who want to be friends with you just as you are; they may not know you're gay, but you can usually tell who would be tolerant of LGBTQ people. The fact is, most of your interactions with others have nothing to do with whether you are gay or straight.
     
  3. Well, if you say you have feelings for girls sometimes, odds are that you're either bi or pansexual. If that's the case, since you're in such a homophobic society, perhaps it is better to simply find a girl you really like and be with her, if possible. Who knows, maybe she will be your soulmate? If not, I agree with Resu. Find a college somewhere that is more progressive (and make sure it is a progressive college!) where you will have more freedoms. If you're in a more liberal environment where you can date other guys you like, odds are that you'll come to accept and be proud of who you are. Just remember that G-d made you who you are for a reason, perhaps to teach intolerant people, like your friends and family, to be more accepting, or maybe not. But no matter what, know that you're not alone.

    As for coming out...you will know when you're ready. Don't rush it, especially with the situation you are in. Best wishes!
     
  4. alex408

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    Hi Johnviolist,

    I agree with most of what has been said, here is my two cents on the matter.

    On Coming Out:
    Coming out is a Rite of Passage for LGBT persons and should be celebrated.

    On Religion:
    Religion is an awesome experience for anybody who is willing to learn all that it can teach. Part of growing up and coming out is about learning to understand the world in which you live in, and what or how you can contribute to it.

    Best of luck,

    -Alex Rios
     
  5. crickett

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    John:

    BREATHE! I understand exactly where you are coming from. My family was similar to yours. However, my family accepted others as having value. They never wanted to have these individuals killed. However, I never wanted to shame my family. I wanted to be the perfect child for them. I wanted to please everyone. Trust me, you cannot and you will not be able to please all people.

    You are a young man. You have time. This may not be the time for you to come out yet. At least to your family. You may want to have stages of coming out. Friends and associates, and then maybe family. Your family sounds homophobic. You may want to wait until you are out of the house before your come out to family. When I say out of the house, I mean on your own.

    You are 17 I am 54. You are having sexual urges toward men. Me too. However, you are not suppressing those urges. I have. I am now coming out. Give yourself time. I have lost my father, my sister, and mother has dementia. You may have to suppress your feeling toward men around your family. This is why I suggest that you have a stage coming out. Coming out to supportive friends. If you do have supportive family - then you could come out to those too. If you feel threatened about coming out to you parents, I would wait.

    Craig
     
  6. Johnviolist

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    I wouldn't say I'm 'not suppressing the urges'. I realize I have to accept it. But I don't know how to do that. How do I become okay with this? And why is it so scary!? I don't know to respond to guys who are offering friendship and who seem to enjoy being friends web I know they are homophobic.
     
  7. Randy

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    Hey John, I know this can be a very scary thing growing up as something other then straight in a very religious family. I, myself, have a mom and grandmother and her whole family who is Catholic to the extreme and that has been very worrying to me. I remember when I was your age, I was scared shitless and tried to block it out only to come back and slap me in the face 3 years later harder. But I can tell you it will become easier. It isn't something you become okay with overnight. It takes months or even years to come okay with it, I think you'll become okay with it once you learn to love yourself despite your "flaws." It's scary because all your life you've grown up in an environment where it's been taught that it's wrong or immoral when in fact none of these things are true.
     
  8. crickett

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    John:

    I suppressed my urges and temptations of boys/men with other passions. Do not think of sexual thoughts if you can help it. Yes I did masturbate as a boy, still do. When I was in middle school I concentrated on art and music. I am also a scholar. I dove into my studies. Was this easy? Not at all. How will you be okay with this? You are making positive strides. Much more than I did at your age. You are coming out now. This is hard, yes. I am coming out now. And it is hard for me too. You will be okay because you are moving forward. It is scary because you are listening to your internal Book of Moral Law. You and I, I will assume, were brought up that when you grow up you will find a nice girl, marry, and have a family.

    With me this is a fantasy. I am attracted to men not women and the entire family dynamics would be unhappy if a married a women. My Moral Law Book, and I think yours too, says this is dirty, immoral, and sinful.This is why it is scary. In fact, I am wrestling with this now. Others, have told me this is a lie. Main stream churches preach this propaganda. You are going against the teachings of your church and your family. I do not know where you are. However, look for gay churches or churches that are LGBT friendly. Metropolitan Community Church is a good place to start. These churches are all over. Talk to one of these pastors. I am and have and it helps. In addition, journal your feelings. How do you feel? Why do you think you feel this way?

    Be friends with the boys. That is fine. I personally would not come out to them if they are homophobic. Just be a guy. Not a gay guy to them. I hope you know what I mean by this. If you can fade into the background with them, then you will not be a target for abuse if they are the types to take out their bigoted hated on others when they do not understand the differences and/or diversity of others in the community. For example, I am a white middle age man. I have friends who are African American. I support their diversity and their culture. However, being white, I will never truly understand the oppression these individuals endured. The same will be true with the homophobic boys. They will never understand why you are gay and why you like men over women. Be friends, but hold your sexual orientation very close to your chest. Some people are too mean.


    A book was recommended to me that I started last night. This book was recommended to me by one of the pastors at the Cathedral of Hope in Dallas. The four agreements by Ruiz. It will help your sort out the Moral Book of Law that your family, teachers, and church help write for your life. This book will help you rewrite the agreements that you and only you can agree are true for you.

    I hope this helps.

    Craig
     
  9. azrae1

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    i agree with some of the comments here but from my personal experience life gets really better when u head off to college and get more freedom. right now i know its all difficult and hard to figure out and balance your family tradition and desire but all you can do now is prove your self smart and play your cards well on hiding who you really are :slight_smile:. Once you move out of house for college or higher studies start building an independent life. This is the path all Gay people take, its our destiny for a new world order :grin:!
     
  10. blueberrymuffin

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    Accepting it can be a very difficult and gradual process, but what you fear isn't so much being gay as losing the people you care about. You'll just have to hang out with a crowd that will accept you. It's toxic being around those attitudes. You've made it this far, so you can keep your head up and carry on until you've moved out. It will be less stressful if you can find *some* kind of outlet in the meantime though. Maybe it's this site or another, a counselor, really anyone who can listen and sympathize.
     
  11. HEREIAM2

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    More of the young and clueless leading the young and clueless (the mods should really step in on this sort of stuff) .....the guy seems clearly gay and should be told as such (the fact that he has ALWAYS liked guys speaks volumes, and the fact that he has the odd feeling for women could be the result of social conditioning OR that he is not a total six on the Kinsey scale...so what). Tell these guys they are bi and they will marry a woman and spend the rest of their lives drinking and being suicidal.
    To the OP: accept your homosexuality and find a way to LEAVE you family and crazy and totally unprovable religious cult based on bronze-age goat-herder morality (of my Israelite ancestors) ASAP!!!!

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2013 at 07:44 PM ----------

    that should comment needs an award...possibly the WORST advice I ever read on here
     
  12. Johnviolist

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    Thank you everyone for your support.
     
  13. qwr42

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    Wow, that reallyy changed my POV on coming out. Thanks :thumbsup:
     
  14. Adi

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    Agreed. Even if he does like girls, this is not a reason to pursue a relationship with anyone.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2013 at 11:25 PM ----------

    First of all, I'd like to mention that by being gay, you're by default "weird", so you're not any better than the "guys that wear tight clothing". Being "weird" is not inherently bad, and quite frankly, I'd rather be the weirdest person on the planet than be "normal", if "normal" is what your gay-lynching friends are.

    Second of all, you will eventually (soon) move out of your parents' house, and then you'll be your own person. You are not their property. Your so-called friends can be weeded out and replaced with ones more worthy of that title. People who talk about killing gays are not people whose opinions you should care about, or even be around for that matter. Being gay isn't easy, but it's also as hard as you make it be. Become independent and live your life authentically, for yourself, regardless of whether you're with a guy or with a girl. It's scary, but also empowering when you start doing it, so just hold on 'till you're out of there and be smart.
     
  15. LuvMyIB

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    In due time!! You will be able to be who you are when you are away from your parents! Off to college opens many doors but you must leave the home front first....be true to yourself might mean you have to wait to come out in a safe environment... It will happen just be patient....