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My life is a lie, I can't do it anymore

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Badaxe, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. Badaxe

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    Hey all, this'll be a bit long, but, if you wanna make someone's day, any well thought-out advice would do just that for me. I'm desperate. I'm drowning here.

    I've been a closeted lesbian all my life, but spent all that time constructing an elaborate web of lies to convince everyone, including myself, that I was straight or at least bi/pan. I grew up around a lot of homophobia. To get a better idea of my dilemma, there's another thread, which I would also GREATLY appreciate if anyone read- http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-orientation-gender-identity-support/97986-label-applies-best-convoluted-situation.html

    I made a huge, life-altering mistake when I was 18. I met a guy who I thought would be the only real exception. I was in love with the idea of a "normal", straight life. I loved him more for who he was than for the sexual part. And the sex didn't last, it actually barely started. If you've read my previous thread you'll know that I have the most severe kind of vaginismus, which arose due to my fear of having sex with men. So I've never even been penetrated. He was willing to work around it, but I hated being with him sexually in any way at all. I hate to say that, because he's a great guy, but I just couldn't enjoy it. My body won't let me. The only time I could was if I was drunk, and even then I mostly had to fake it. I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic, I had emotional breakdowns all the time, I was becoming mentally ill, and finally I had to tell him I'm gay.

    We talked it out over a period of months, and surprisingly, he's okay with it. He even suspected it. But he still wants to be my friend and work together in life with for a while, which means being roommates. Our friendship is really strong, and we want to help each other out emotionally and financially, since neither of us can make it on our own any time soon, and we have no other friends. We have that part worked out.

    The problem is- during the initial phase of our being together, I thought he was "the one". I thought I'd have a perfect life with him. I thought the sexual part would come if I just "relaxed", if I just "became more open to it". But it didn't. But at the time I was hopeful and happy to have found a great guy who promised to take care of me and work through the issues. So, foolishly, I promised to marry him. I became close with his family, and he's close with mine. Our families are all best friends now. They party together all the time, life is great for them. His family loves me. I was there for them when their other son died unexpectedly in his sleep, and that brought us all even closer. His whole family is so ecstatic about how we're gonna "get married". They always ask us when the "big day" is gonna be, and everyone is stoked to see their son/nephew so happy with me. They showered me in love and acceptance. It's been like this for 6 years.

    I've invested 6 years my life in this, because I was terrified and in denial. My romantic love for him vanished within the first year, and I tried in vain to get it back. I can't. My gayness is at the forefront again, and I can't ignore it. I'm a lesbian and I can't do anything about it. I didn't want to break his heart, and I thought I could "change" eventually. But I didn't.

    And his family doesn't know, and they'd be blindsided if they did. They'd feel betrayed, they'd hate my fucking guts. They're the gossipy sort, and I know they'd all harass me, call me a slut, a liar, d*ke, attention-whore, etc. I wouldn't hear the end of it. His mom would go absolutely ballistic (she's the explosive type), and she'd make sure to destroy my reputation and scream in my face periodically. I don't know if I can handle all the hate and shame they'd put me through...

    I didn't mean for this to happen. I genuinely thought he'd be an exception, but I just can't feel attraction for him, or any man, ever. I'm gay, I always have been, and I can't escape it. I never had any malicious intentions, I never wanted to hurt them... I was just in such denial. I can't do it anymore. But I want to come out sooo so so bad, because I want to live the life I was meant to live. I want so badly to be who I really am. I want it more than anything.

    But I don't want to crush them. Our families wouldn't be friends anymore. I'd be ruining their happiness. The guilt would crush me, the shame would force me into hiding for a while. But I'm suffering enough as it is. But my ex is here for me, he understands, and he's promised to defend me from his family or from anyone who tries to threaten or question me. He still has some feelings for me, but he says he respects me and is willing to let go if it means I'd be happy. He just wants me to be happy... and I'm so lucky for that.

    But his family is going to go fucking nuts. They're like that. They're very old-fashioned. They're going to verbally annihilate me. All the good times we've had, all the 6 years of friendship, all the childish promises I made, down the drain. I can't help feeling like a horrible person. But I can't help who I am either.

    Should I still come out to them? My ex and I have it planned out. His family will patronize us, they'll beg him to leave me, they'll lose respect for him if he stays with me as a friend or roommate, they'll hate my guts. But I'll be free... Is hurting other people, shattering their dreams for their son, albeit temporarily hopefully, worth it? Or should I stay in hiding and live a "secret" gay lifestyle? Even though they'd be bound to find out eventually anyway...

    I feel so trapped... for the love of fuck someone please help me.
     
  2. AAASAS

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    Sorry to say this, but I would be mad if a lesbian toyed with my brothers emotions for years.I would be mad if a heterosexual toyed with my brothers emotions for years.

    Sounds harsh but true.

    Your boyfriend is a human too that is entitled to his own life, regardless of your struggles. The expression misery loves company comes to mind when reading this.

    At least be happy your friend is still friends with you, his family will be hurt, but I doubt they will disown you. Let them grieve, explain your situation, and I doubt they will be totally unsympathetic.

    Understand that you aren't in the wrong for doing what you did based on your mental state and situation, but what you did still was wrong, and despite your feeling bad for it, you need to respect other peoples feelings and let them be. I know this sounds like a double standard, but you can still do "wrong" without the intent, and I know you never intended to do it so you really should not be upset about that. Believe me, I have sympathy, and feel for you, you must have been EXTREMELY confused to do this. If I was more attractive I am sure I would have dated a girl just to try it, so I am not throwing a stone at you when I live in a glass house, I would've done the same.

    I would still come out to them, let them know how confused you where, and that you did love him, you can't take back the past, but you can mend the present.

    You said you want this, so do it, I am sure the pain of living a lie, will be outweighed by the relief of living the truth.
     
    #2 AAASAS, Aug 1, 2013
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  3. crickett

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    This may sound convoluted. I am a people pleaser. What you stated about your relationship over several years which has hurt some. With this, there are hurt feelings on both sides. Someone is waiting to give you negative jabs. Therefore, if it was me, I would sever ties, and quietly walk away never to see these people again. I know this may be the cowardly way to approach the situation. But remember, I do not do conflict well. Therefore, the easiest way for me would to leave quietly unobtrusively. No I would not come out to them!!

    Craig
     
  4. greatwhale

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    I tend to agree with Crickett. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Your families became friends? Great, if they're real friends they will remain so (despite initial awkwardness or embarrassment).

    Just sever ties, move on, there is no need to go into the details as it is irrelevant. They'll have a right to be pissed off about the split, no need to add fuel to the fire.
     
  5. Badaxe

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    I know that what I did was shitty regardless of intent. But I don't think you're really understanding what internalized homophobia does to people. I didn't "toy" with him, to say I "toyed" with him is to say I knew what I was doing and was disregarding his emotions the whole time. You've gotta be fuckin kidding me. I really believed that what I was doing was gonna be good for me and for him, and that my feelings were genuine, and that I just needed to "loosen up" about the sex thing.

    I know my struggles don't trivialize the pain my ex is feeling, but even he fully understands that I wasn't just fuckin around and "toying" with him, and that I was genuinely scared into silence and submission to compulsive heterosexuality, and that I really believed I could "straighten" myself for him if I only just loosened up or opened up. Of course he shouldn't be any less pissed about the situation, but my reasons for doing so aren't just some "oh I was just confused about my feelings for you" thing like maybe it would've been if I was heterosexual. A lifetime of internalized homophobia and fear made me desperate to believe in something that wasn't there. He's my best friend, and the talks we've had are too much to get into here, but just know that he's fully supportive and wants to stay friends by his own choice.

    A heterosexual's reasons for "toying" with someone would've been completely different than a closeted-lesbian-in-denial's reasons. A heterosexual wouldn't have "toyed" with someone due to a lifetime of fear conditioning their behavior. They wouldn't have done so in order to avoid harm, threats of violence, harassment, punishment, etc. I grew up in extreme fear of facing up to the fact that I was gay, and for a while I had myself convinced that I was just bi. I really believed that he was the exception.

    And about the "misery loves company thing"... I told him time and time again that he was free to leave me, to be with someone else. I told him he is under no obligation to stay and help me. He's a free man. I've told him he deserves more than to be with someone miserable like me. I never asked him to stay. I don't want to be miserable with someone else. I don't want to bring someone down with me. So "misery loves company" doesn't apply here. And as if I didn't know he was a human who is entitled to his own life, give me a fucking break.

    I am "at least happy my friend is still with me", as I indicated in my first post.

    You don't know my boyfriend's family, they are volatile and they will disown me. I will "respect their feelings", and I totally understand that they're gonna be hurt and lash out, I get that... but they're gonna take it way too far, and if they're gonna disrespect me and ruin my reputation and chance at a decent social life around here, how the fuck are they justified in doing that? How can I "let them be" if they're not gonna let me be? Did you not read my first post all the way through? They're gonna brutally harass me, for a long time. I'm not just being dramatic when I say this, I know how they are.

    And jesus christ I didn't date a guy "just to try it" (are you fucking kidding me right now?), I dated him because I wanted a good life, I wanted the fear to go away, I was actually serious about it, I thought it was going to work... I wasn't just experimenting and toying around. I really believed that it would work. I was so deep in denial. I know that doesn't erase any of the pain I caused, but my reasons for doing this has to do with survival and not merely "confusion". I grew up in a very homophobic environment, I was doing this for survival reasons. Anyone in their right mind would understand that "intent" doesn't really apply here anyway, I was doing what I thought was my only safe choice. And I believed in that choice for a while.

    I just wanted to know if coming out to them would be worth it, and you're acting like nothing I said was true when you say "they're not gonna disown you, etc.", because YES, they are going to disown me.

    I thought maybe I'd hear other people's stories that were similar to mine, or something, not a complete misunderstanding of my post and a comparison of a scared-shitless closeted homosexual's trying to survive to a heterosexual "toying" with someone's feelings.

    Your condescending "harsh bringer of the truth" attitude isn't gonna work with me.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2013 at 07:24 PM ----------

    I'm gonna have to explain the reasons for the split though. Or, he'll do it for me at least. He's close with his family and they're gonna pry it out of him. Plus they're gonna want to know why we're staying at an apartment together if we're not in a relationship.

    He's my best friend, and has been for 9 years, since we were best friends for 3 years before we started dating. I can't just leave him altogether, and he doesn't wanna leave me altogether. Our relationship isn't traditional I guess. What we have/had is so much more than a sexual thing. We're best friends.

    They have a right to be pissed off, but they don't have a right to try and ruin me. I'm gonna be humiliated because of them, I'm gonna be the target of harassment for a long time to come... I'm just trying to decide if all that is worth it, so I can live as who I really am. They're all that's stopping me now to be honest. I'm fucking terrified, sorry if I seem harsh in some of my posts, I'm just really freaking out right now.

    I can't just sever ties with them, I have no where else to go but to work together with my ex for a while, so I'm gonna have to hear and see it from them. And I don't want to be harassed every damn day... but god I just want to be myself for once in my life.
     
    #5 Badaxe, Aug 1, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2013
  6. greatwhale

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    I understand your point, it is awkward when a relationship ends, but for economic reasons you can't quite move out yet. Would that fact be sufficient explanation to his family as to why you are staying together, or would you still need to explain more?

    I am going through a divorce, and I will not be coming out to my soon to be ex-wife or the kids until the divorce is final. I'm also concerned about how my father in law will take this news. We had an excellent relationship during my marriage, but I have heard him more than once make homophobic comments.

    It comes down to this, starkly: your happiness or theirs? If there is a common theme in these parts it is that your own happiness must take precedence.

    Fireworks there will be, I completely believe you on this, but fireworks don't last long, eventually the fires become embers, then ashes. But you will still be around, battle-scarred perhaps, but the sun will still rise...
     
  7. Badaxe

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    Well we haven't moved in together yet, that's the thing. I'm beset with some financial setbacks, but I have a good plan to get going, and he's already moving up at the place where he works, and he really wants us to be roommates. That's a whole other issue... I might make a separate thread for advice on that.

    But thanks for the kind words, I liked that last line there. Very poetic. :slight_smile:

    I'm just really scared right now, and I have no one to talk to about this, so the internet is a last resort thing.

    But damn, you're going through a divorce and you've got kids and you're gonna come out? That takes guts. Maybe I don't have it so bad.

    I want to be happy, I want it to be known that I'm a lesbian. I just want people to know that that's part of who I am. I wanna feel validated. I wanna be "visible" to other lesbians so they know they could talk to me. The real awkwardness arises when people, his family and strangers (especially other lesbians) alike, see that I'm a lesbian living as roommates with her ex boyfriend. I'd feel kind of like a joke... I'd feel like other lesbians wouldn't take me seriously, or would be really uncomfortable with the idea of me rooming with my ex... or I'd feel like that might make his family think I was "using" him, since he's gonna be the real breadwinner for a while. Idk, that's another topic.
     
  8. patofsilver

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    Hey there,
    I'm new on here, but just wanted to say that I totally get where you're coming from. I've been closeted my whole life up until recently and had a very similar experience with dating guys. I always loved the friendship and tried to tolerate the physical side which either disgusted me, was painful or made me want to laugh. I have a really supportive, liberal family, but for some reason I felt some sort of weird pressure to try to seem straight and part of me found it so appealing in a theoretical sense...so I got married and it was during my marriage that I realized that I wasn't bi, I was a lesbian and I can't describe my depression, fear and frustration. I loved my husband and he was my best friend and I never wanted to hurt him. I chose not to tell him because at the time that's what I agonizingly decided was the best way. I had made a commitment and I was going to stick it out and put my all into it. So out of genuine love for him as a person and close companion, I gave it my all and tried to make him happy. The problem was that because I was denying one of the most vital and true parts of myself and by trying to protect my husband was actually disrespecting him by lying to him in a way. My plan was to suffer silently if I had to, but to make the best of it, but it just didn't work. The reason was that I became so unhappy that it spilled over into everything else and the other unrelated minor issues we had were magnified because we weren't truly connected and I was in emotional hell. He had his own issues and treated me poorly in some specific ways and we ended up divorcing, but I never told him that I was a lesbian because I didn't want to hurt him. His family was also extremely conservative and not even people I would feel safe around if they knew, although they loved me to death when we were married. Real love doesn't go away just because someone does something or lives in a way that you disapprove of, so I knew the whole time their love was conditional and therefore not love at all and not something I should worry about losing. In their case, I just dropped contact and have moved on to happier, greener pastures. But anyway, I just wanted to say I really relate to a lot of what's going on and I'm sorry I don't really have advice other than to agree with those who said you should be true to yourself and also that it may come down to you choosing between yourself and them, which is a brutal decision, but could also free you. Best of luck to you. :slight_smile:
     
  9. KyleD

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    Your ex knows you are a good person hence why he still wants to be friends with you. I think his acceptance of you is the only thing that matters right now.
     
  10. NouvelleVague

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    Hm, so you're 23 I read.

    Your life is not over, yet, and nor is his life. At the age of 23, you can start all over again, and so can he. I mean, I would consider being brave and do the right thing, or at least do something. Obviously, you can't live a life 'because you have to' unless there's something really good for you in it - Some people would do it for the money, etc. I mean, you're okay as partners for now, but not as lovers, and maybe not as a married couple.

    I do understand it is not going to be easy, I've read you story, and I can almost imagine all the drama that is gonna overwhelm you. But, hey, think about it. If you get married, then say, people - probably your both families - are going to invest money in it. They're going to have even more expectations - They'll go wanting grandchildren, and probably want your bigger, very well-planned life. For you both to be happy, of course.

    But do you wanna wake up at 40 when they're old and not-so-scary anymore, look back and think you've made the wrong choice because you were a coward ? Let's face it, either you will have to speak with them now, either you'll have to do it later, the sooner the better (less collateral damages). It's gonna be rather dramatic, but do it. Do it, pick up your courage and, dammit live the life you want to live, be free !!.

    Throw those 6 years, keep the best of them, yes, the memories. Don't regret them, never.I'm sure you still have so many things that await you, come on. Just remember the best of these days, and take the step ! Be selfish, anyway - you've already told the main interested, aka your partner. Your and his parents have had their lives, their own paths, so do not allow any of them expect you to marry him, to do anything you don't want for yourself.

    Just tell them that people make mistake, and that it's for the best that you figured that out now (No need to say it's been latent for years, though).
    Just free yourself :slight_smile: Freedom is the best thing I can wish to anyone in life :slight_smile:
    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  11. Tightrope

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    Right ^. At 23, you can start over, on all levels. The only thing that caused me to pause was the roommate thing so you both can get back on track financially. Yes, I know how much having a roommate can help. There was a time when that came in very handy. However, you can room with another woman, or man, and he can room with whomever he wants. In time, things will heal, and the families ought to remain friends. They only need to know of the generalities, and not the play-by-play description of the emotions you faced. Your parents may lend you the shoulder you need for the latter, but not his parents. I think civility will prevail once things settle down, but do move on, so he can, too.
     
  12. drs

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    This may be only touching on a small part of your post, but your title says "My life is a lie..." I said the same thing to a friend, and he helped me realize that that isn't quite true. My entire life isn't a lie. I love my children, I love my wife (Just not in the way she deserves to be loved), I'm good at my job, etc. These things are all true. They aren't lies. There are parts of my life that are BASED on lies. For some of these, coming out will crack their foundations and will have to be rebuilt. For others, they will withstand the crack in the foundation, and will be able to be repaired.
     
  13. greatwhale

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    The saddest part of living a lie, even only a partial lie, is that you will do all the right things for the wrong reasons, sometimes heroically.
     
  14. Badaxe

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    Thanks for your reply. :slight_smile: ^ This exact line is exactly what's been happening to me over the last few years. I was trying so hard to deny that my feelings for him (sexually) were null, trying so hard to feel something again, and pretending to like it when we did things, that I became actually mentally ill. I was having mental breakdowns from time to time. I was binge drinking every weekend. I was acting very strangely, to the point that one psych I went to thought I was psychotic and asked me if I wanted to go to the mental hospital. I'd lock myself in my room for days and become malnourished and sick. I was very suicidal. I was paranoid to the point of lashing out at my own family, accusing them of conspiring against me in some way. I developed the most bizarre, time-consuming OCD rituals and obsessions, anything to distract and escape from the emotional hell I was in. Anything to avoid having to admit the truth. But now that I've admitted it to him, and fully embraced it myself, I can literally feel the mental illness fading away. I feel like I'm becoming a real person now, I feel like I'm in control of who I am rather than everyone else.

    Thanks so much. There's no way I'd get married to him. And he knows that know, and he's okay. His parents are the only thing in my way now. His mom is especially volatile. And she's very old-fashioned and conventional. I'm not sure if she's gonna understand why me and him still wanna be friends and not lovers. Idk if she'll really "get" how relationships can go from being sexual to being just platonic, without any real hard feelings between the two people. Ugh she just makes me so mad... I want her to go away forever or something and get out of my fucking way. Haha...

    I won't regret the 6 years I had. I had some of the best times of my life with him. He's my best friend after all. I learned and experienced a lot during that time. I just really need to move on now.

    Yes, the roommate thing is starting to sound like a bad idea to me as well. I doubt either of us would be able to get a new partner that way. No one wants to date someone who still lives with their ex, I mean that's just asking for trouble. I wouldn't want to date someone who was living with their ex. I might be able to room with one or both of my sisters eventually. It's gonna be hard to break it to him that I don't think rooming with him would be a good idea. But it's the only way for us to both truly move on.
     
    #14 Badaxe, Aug 6, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
  15. Lindsey23

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    I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I just wish I was stronger when I was 23. I did marry my best friend because I thought that was the right decision. It has just made things more complicated and difficult.

    Your ex sounds like a great friend. You can ask him not to tell his parents that you are gay, unless you are ready to be out to everyone. I know he may feel like he has to tell his parents why you have broken up but he really doesn't. He can be vague or just make something up. You have a right to privacy on this issue.

    I also think it is a bad idea to be his roommate but for a different reason than what you stated. If you are his roommate you won't be able to avoid his parents! Honestly, they sound awful! Keep them out of your life. You can still visit your ex when they're not around.
     
  16. jp36

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    Some of the early replies here are incredibly harsh and, if I may venture an opinion, unhelpful.

    You are in a very difficult situation but it is NOT YOUR FAULT that you are in it. We are unfortunate enough that we still live in a society where everyone is taught to assume that they are straight from the get-go, and to fight tooth and nail to preserve that conviction despite any and all evidence to the contrary. The fact that a lot of people (most people, really) have an incredibly hard time overcoming this social programming does not reflect badly on them, it reflects badly on our society. Don't hate the player, hate the game, as they say.

    As you rightly point out, you have not been 'toying' with this guy. And he clearly knows that. He understands that you have been struggling with something incredibly difficult and that he simply got caught in the crossfire for a little while. He no doubt recognises how brave it was of you to eventually come out and be honest with him.

    The answer, to my eyes, is already clear to you. This will not get easier with time - in fact it may well get harder. You already have the most important thing - the support of your ex. Much as you may feel like you owe something to his family or to yours, you don't. The one person whose feelings you were responsible for understands what happened and has clearly made his peace with it, and now values you as a friend. That is a great credit to him. The rest of them are going to have to follow his lead and deal with it too.

    Provided you make sure to tell them the right way, with sensitivity to how they are going to feel, and hopefully with your ex backing you up all the way, it is their responsibility to come to terms with your decision. And I'm sure that in time they will. Obviously it may be unpleasant for a while, but I think your ex's example may well help them to understand and accept your situation more quickly than you expect.

    My advice would be to brace yourself and go for it. Easier said than done, I know. But you already seem to understand that letting the situation go on unchanged only makes it worse. Bite the bullet. He'll be there for you (and so will EC, of course!) (*hug*)