I've been outed.

So it sounds like you are in school?

My advice would be to continue to let that friend how much of a boundary violation that was for you, and then talk to H and officially "come out" to him. Try to explain to H and K that you would appreciate coming out at your own pace, and you would appreciate if they could keep it to themselves as that what friends should do.

If, however, they have outed you, go with the flow. I was outed by someone when I was freshman in highschool, which was a HUGE betrayal of my trust, and then created a whole bunch of problems for me until I kind of embraced it. When people came up to me to ask if I was gay, I would simply reply "well I dont know, I think I am, but I havent really figured that out yet, why do you ask?" People appreciated the confidence and truth, and it actually worked to my advantage. But of course, do whatever you feel comfortable.

If you need any additional support, feel free to message my wall.
Much love,

 

Teenager... Gossip... Escalating emotional pain...

Yup, that is the teen condition.

Piss this immature girl off and she has potential to get real destructive.

I suggest you play nice and back away ever so slowly.

Your judgement was wrong as she has no boundaries and does not understand the value of trust. She is a lose grenade.

So keep things cool with her to prevent her from running off the rails more and hope for the best. Confronting her does no good.

Depending on the damage she does which I am sure extends beyond the two other you may have your closet torn down. So what. You move your coming party up a bit.

I know it looks like a tsunami but is only a trickle.

 

We are talking about POWER. Your friend, I use this term very loosely, knew something that no one but you knew. She took it upon herself to tell at least one one individual. My guess is that she told everyone that she knows. She is a cancer. Do not retaliate. That is exactly what she wants. If you do, she will spew more of the cancerous poison.

Now, where do you go from here? If a friend comes up to you from this poisonous gossip as asks, "ARE YOU GAY?" My response would be, WHY DO YOU ASK? ARE YOU GAY? Throw the question back to that individual. If the response is that I heard for a friend of mine that you are gay. I will respond does it matter? If the response is. . .pause, No, I don't think so. I would then say, I have been struggling with my sexual identity. I am wrestling if I am gay or straight. I am coming to the realization that I am gay. I hope this does not change our friendship.

This friend may also have sexual identity issues. By approaching the gossip in this way you do three things. First, you are protecting yourself. Two, you know where the other individual stands Three, you may also be helping a friend who also has sexual identity issues.

People, especially High School and Middle School students can be so cruel. Expect to hear the off color version of being gay. For example, George is a FAG. George is a QUEEN You are a QUEER. Ignore him he is just a FAIRY.

Take these negative comments from the source. Do not comment. If you have to, walk away. Anything and everything you say regarding these pointed accusations will do nothing but hurt you.

I am very sorry for the breach of confidence that happened to you. It happens. Move forward, not backwards. You will be fine!

Craig

 

People just don't know how to keep their mouths shut, do they? Similar thing happened to me but my friends had the common sense to know not to go around telling other people. I think they're kind of scared of me...lol. Anyways, sit both your friends down and inform them that you're okay with them knowing but what you're not okay with is that K told H without your permission. Be firm, but don't get angry. Tell them that this is something you would prefer kept private until YOU feel comfortable telling other people.

 

This is something I never get. It's a fine line with us. We have to make sure we're not being TOO selfish. When you tell someone you're gay, just automatically know that they're going to tell someone else. It's really self centered to think you can control someone with a secret that's so big. Basically, you're getting a weight off your shoulders and putting it onto hers, whether you know it or not. She wants to be the best friend she can be and she also wants to incorporate her significant other. He may wonder why you're so friendly with her and maybe she got tired of dismissing it. By the time you tell someone you're gay, you need to make sure you're comfortable with the end results. I see it's particularly uncomfortable for you to have a situation where there's a boy that you like in the mix, but that's just how things go. I tell people I'm gay but I NEVER...discuss a crush or some shit if it's a mutual friend. If they know the person, that's just not good etiquette in my opinion. You live and you learn. I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to be disappointed in her, but at the same time, you can't think you'll have control over this situation. I see that so often here where the person coming out wants to do damage control or wants to know if someone's gay without exposing themselves.. It won't work. You have to be true to you and stand firmly in that. For future reference, if you like a boy that you two know mutually, it's in your best interest to keep it to yourself or consult with friends that aren't affiliated with that person. Girls gossip, that's just what they do. I think you should just learn from it and move on. Secrets aren't healthy anyway. You're giving her a secret and expect her to hold the secret from her significant other, it's just not going to work because you don't become an extension of the person who tells or what their values are. It's sending the wrong message to the people here that are still struggling to come out that it's okay to try to limit the blowback from who you tell. I'm sure there's people that I haven't told personally that know I'm gay and it doesn't bother me because a lot of people don't have the balls to ask you face to face. I reserve the right to tell close friends and people who are getting close to me and that way I feel secure knowing that they're going to stand up for me instead of stab me in the back to others. That's about all the control we can have in this situation. You'll be okay, just keep growing and learning and don't ruin a friendship over something you'll laugh about in 3 years.

 

I agree that this isn't as bad as you think. If it spreads around school and people ask you if you're gay then I think you have a couple of options: if you're comfortable and figured it all out, then a simple "Yes, so what?" which will hopefully get a "er, so nothing I guess" and you can all move on. If you get a negative response then you've found out you've not got a very good friend there. Other option I think would be something like "I'm still figuring things out, what made you ask?" and see where that takes you.

I'd sit the two people who do know down and explain that although they're in a relationship and are not 'keeping secrets' from eachother, that doesn't mean that they can automatically tell eachother about someone else's personal information. That's a breach of trust between you and the person you told and has nothing to do with them as a couple being open with eachother.

(*hug*) You'll be okay. If the closet door has been ripped open for you then I guess it's time for a party!

 

I don't know if it's because I just have a little more life experience, but nothing is personal once it leaves your mouth. You can certainly trust people, but with something of this magnitude, it's impossible to think they'll just keep their mouths shut as stated previously..Secrets in general are just..bad. What good comes out of her keeping a secret? You're going to essentially duct tape her face until you decide she can talk? I mean..I'm reacting more to the posts here than the situation.. but it's just pretty childish to think you can do that. I'm not saying it to say it either. It's from experience. When I told my mom, I asked her to allow me to tell my brother.. I had a plan to tell him, but the longer you wait the worse. I was actually relieved to learn that she had told him shortly after I told her. And I was also disappointed that while I had good intention to tell my bro when I felt he was mature enough to handle it, I realized that it was something that my mom couldn't keep a secret. And even worse, she waited years to tell me that she told him out of fear that I'd be disappointed her. That's heart breaking shit. So whether you believe it or not, you're affecting the people you try to control with a secret.

 

Wow.... I was outed by a friend too, to my family! Something that I will never forget, It's funny to me now... but the experience was HORRIBLE, there's more to the story actually.. Lol good thing my older brother took it well and said that he we will love me the same because I am his brother and he will kill anyone who will try to hurt me... (But I think not really) lol
I can't really avoid him totally because we have mutual friends... And he is the now husband of my bestfriend lol... I guess if you can't avoid her totally due to mutual friends, just be friendly but not friends really...

 

I am so glad that you were ok when your mom outed you to your brother, but lets not get off topic. For the OP, this was a huge boundary violation. It is not unreasonable to ask a friend to respect your wishes and allow you to move at your own pace, especially when coming out is such a big deal. Maybe not for some people, but it is for him.

Dont get the misconceived idea that its ok for friends to walk all over you, because it isnt, and this IS a huge violation of your boundaries and trust, and I am not going to fault you for anything. Just do as was discussed above and try to not make a big deal out of it. Sometimes we have to make the best of a not so good situation, but you are perfectly entitled to feel raw about all of this, no matter what some people might say.

 

I'm a person who really wants loyalty and trust out of my friendships. She broke the trust by telling your friend about you without your permission, and she's not being very loyal because she sort of got angry at you when you were upset at her for revealing such a large secret.

I don't know the history of your friendship with her--but from this specific instance, she doesn't sound like a very good friend.

 

I understand your reaction to K after outing you against your wishes. Your reaction is 100% natural and understandable. It isn't a good feeling to be feeling betrayed, and yes that is what it is.

Unfortunately it has happened, so now you have to deal with the fall out. I think you have already made the point that you are upset to K, so now you are going to have to talk to H and let him know how you are feeling. Obviously he is still talking to you which I would suggest is an extremely positive sign that indeed he is supportive and approachable.

I hope everything works out for you. just take a couple of deep breaths mate

 

I guess I have a different opinion of what being outed is. To me that means someone called your bluff, called you out on it, and then told everyone maliciously. It's okay to feel hurt I suppose, but it's really not that big of a deal once you've gotten over that hump. If you're still in the stages where you're terrified of it getting out, you just have to stop confiding that information in other people. And it was VERY on topic to the discussion. I'm just saying that sometimes we don't know how secrets are going to affect other people. If you feel like she did it maliciously, that's one thing. But if she's been there for you and continues to be, I don't think you should jump all over and treat her like shit. But that's just my take. You live and you learn. I took an exception to seeing that you're willing to blame 90% of the people who know you are gay on her, that's way harsh for something that's really not life defining in the grand scheme of things. Always try to be positive if you can. The benefit of being gay can be that you'll never have to guess who your friends are when it comes to straight people.

 

She broke your trust bond. However, when you tell someone, you can't control where that goes. If you tell a girl and she has a boyfriend, he will know. She's closer to him than she is to you. If you tell something to a cousin, they'll tell a sibling, because they're closer to their sibling than they are to you. And this is about anything - family secrets, bad things you've done, etc. You should also look at the way it was done and the context. Did she do it in that sitcom-ish way, such as "he's gayyyyy," which then gets a "Realllyyyyyy?" or was she matter of fact about it, to people who would think it's no big deal?

Sorry, but I've found girls in high school and college to be more curious and gossipy over the topic of men's sexuality than other guys, who either shrug it off, say it's no big deal, or might make a quick snide comment and be done with it. It'll blow over. You'll be fine.

 

You'd be justified in dropping her for it, but sometimes i think heteros just can't relate to why we wouldn't want *everyone* to know, or they may think it's doing us a favor. I've had some just flat out ask, which I took as unspeakably rude, but from their view being gay is so minor that they just don't get it. Also, what really matters here is are you getting bullied now? Is your life sucking because she did this? If no one harms you then I would probably let it go.