Hi, I am 21 years old, I am from Kansas and I am gay. (That feels so good to say.) Anyways I just started to come out to my really good friends this past December. It has been an interest time, but so far my friends have been pretty supportive. Here is my problem I haven't come out to my parents or older sister. I don't really know how to go about doing it without making a fool of myself. I think my parents have an idea, but I really want then to know the real me, but I am afraid what they will say. I am also afraid that they will cut me off from what little bit of money I am still getting from them for school. So any helpful hints or advice? Am I selfish for not coming out to them sooner? Also my mother is very much Catholic and I don't know how to approach the topic of being gay and god. Sorry I keep rambling, any advice would be appreciated.
Hey man, and welcome to empty closest First of all, you're not selfish for not coming out to your parents sooner. Coming out is a personal process that you are allowed to take at your own pace (although sometimes that pace isn't always in your control). Congratulations on coming out to your close friends, hopefully you find that their support and encouragement will make coming out to others (including your family) easier. You said your mum is Catholic, so her acceptance of your sexuality mightn't be perfect. What about your sister/dad? How close to them are you and how do you think they will react to the news? Your sister no doubts knows your mum as well as you, and might even be able to provide insight on how she will react (I know there are many cases where sisters and mums will talk about the brothers/sons sexuality together). Telling your sister first (especially if you are fairly confident she'll take it well) can really help. It gives you another person who can defend you if your parents don't take it well. The same applies with your dad - except generally speaking the dad is less likely to take it well (but of course only you really have an indication of how well he'll take the news). There are a number of ways to actually tell your family. I told my sister over dinner one night when we went out together. It was good because conversation is expected at dinner, and it gives you time to discuss it one on one. If you don't find you have the courage to say the words "I'm gay" (as is the case with a lot of people) you can write a letter and give it to them. This is also good since it gives you the chance to say everything you want to say, and you can proof read it etc. If you don't live at home, it gives your family time to "come to terms" with your sexuality on their own grounds. If they don't see you for a couple of days it means they can think about it without the added complication of worrying about how to act around you. Of course - if they take it horribly, it also means you don't have to deal with their negative reactions and gives them time to "get over" it. One last point - you mentioned that you were worried about loosing finance from them? How important is this finance? Could you get by without it? How likely do you think it is that they would take it away? If the money is crucial for you, and theres a pretty high chance that they'll take it away, then theres no need for you to put yourself in that position. Be sensible. If on the other hand, your not depending on the money and there's really not much of a chance they'll take it away, then I wouldn't worry about it too much. Other than that - good luck, and be sure to let us know how it goes. Dave
Thanks for all your advise. One last question, is it selfish to write a letter to my parents instead of telling them in person? It would be a lot easier to say what I feel in a letter, but is taking the easy way out the best way?
Is writing a letter being selfish? I don't think so. If that's the way you want to do it, then go ahead and do it. While you won't be able to know their initial reaction (unless you're there, watching them as they read it), it will give them time to think it over for a little bit. You'll also be able to avoid the stress of trying to figure out what exactly you want to say. It sounds like letters have worked for other people here. If that's what you want to do, then go for it!
A letter to my sister and her then-boyfriend worked for me. See my recent post here http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=9781#post9781 Different people will find different methods work best for them. I still think face-to-face is best if you can do it, buy for many of us we can't or couldn't. If you do use a letter, try not to leave it too long before speaking directly (a few days at the most).
As Step said, there is nothing selfish about the letter method. And as Dave mentioned, a letter allows you to organize your thoughts, revise as needed, and say things that might be impossible to say in person. Just give yourself time with the letter. I went through about 7 drafts over the period of a week or so before I was finally satisfied with the product and hit the send button. It worked out great for me and the letter went over very well .
To: Daccfrn Go for it, but with your sister first. If she is older than you, I think you will have a comrad in your corner..Big sisters are the best friends you can have.. In my case, it was an older brother..he gave me the strength and nerve to let the rest of the family know that I was gay and had been for several years..I would love to have had an older sister. Three of my close intimate friends have older sisters and if it were not for them, they would still be trying to get through to the rest of the family...Trust her...
