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Why am I not gay enough/ why are you trying to out me!?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FormulaTuner, Aug 7, 2013.

  1. FormulaTuner

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    Hi all, allow me to intoduce myself, I'm 18, I live in Cape Town South Africa, and you can call me Formula:slight_smile:. and as of late I've been fighting with myself and this thing called sexuality.

    Since about Feb this year I've started questioning and I've come to realise that I'm not straight, entirely. I've drawn to the conclusion that I'm either gay or bi :lol:
    So once again I have found myself, where I've found out a lot about myself over the years, the pit of dispair. Great right?

    I've given up on trying to prove I'm straight, and look for evidence which points to either sexuality and I've pretty much accepted the possibilties of being (insert sexuality of your choice here) and have started moving on with my life and dealing with it as it comes( am I doing the right thing?), but I've hit a big evil wall and its pretty much starting to f*ck me to the point where I'm becoming homophobic, and mentally this absolute torture!(I can't explain that, just feels like it). I have been experiencing somewhat stereotypical gay behaviour and constantly being told that I'm not gay enough because I'm not effeminite enough - uhhh :help: :***:

    I find this extremely upsetting and its causing internal conflit between me moving on with my life and doing the things I enjoy, like working on cars, sport and so on. Look I've never tried to fit in with people I've always found my own way, meaning I have a diverse group of friends, but only a select few truly know me. I have a passion for cars, especially engines and tuning(something I've been doing since age 13) and it feels like along with a friend of mine who's friendship I value (happens to be gay) has told me that I'm not gay enough and that I should make myself more gay so others can see. Also he amoungst others who I've told have been constantly trying to out me over the past month or so and this driving mad. I ignore it most of the time, its difficult because when and if I do out I wanna be sure of what I'm doing is true myself and do not wanna cause collateral to people I've led on, not that I'm leading people on. I'm pretty stressed so sex drive is at an all time low, more time for work! :icon_bigg

    Look I want to be happy in what I am, and at the end of the day that matters more to me than anything, but it feels like although I've admitted that when it comes to my sexuality that I'm not sure of what I am is a step foreward, its led to people automatically assuming I'm gay and attempting to strip the one true thing I have a passion for in life, cars, engines and tuning them, in an attempt to make me more gay. I'm 18, I am what I am, not gonna change cause I don't fit.

    Is this normal? Or am I just experiencing a bad person/group of people any help, advice or encouragement will be great

    P.S I've been told that my skinnes aren't tight enough even. Hmm some people really take things to the absolute extreme :eusa_doh: just some extra info....I like skinnys, really do. I used to hate them :lol:
     
  2. biggayguy

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    I have a gay friend that is in to collecting stone axe heads and arrow points. He also likes shooting guns for recreation. I'd say go with your passion. Your true friends will understand. Maybe you could add some rainbow accents to your cars. :slight_smile: :wink:
     
  3. Kamina

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    Lol skinnies are great, and don't worry. To me being gay is only one part of your larger identity. Like "I'm gay now guys and because lesbians only eat chocolate icecream that I all I can have!" Is not healthy, (I like vanilla every now and then :icon_wink) so who cares?! Not all lesbians are butch and not all gay guys are effeminate. We are people with various personalities and idiosyncrasies. For example my brother is EXTREMELY effeminate but completely straight. I catch him staring at girls all the time, which I get where he's coming from but he's pretty obvious! So let the haters hate and do what you want, you said yourself that you have never tried to fit in (bravo btw) so don't let your sexuality change that! Your friends are rude if they are stereotyping you like that, try telling them to lay off/piss off and if they don't it maybe time to move on. People change and grow out of one another. If you had told me 5 years ago I would have little to no contact with my friends in 5 years I wouldn't have believed you. Lol you are totally normal is the pointnof this, long paragraph.

    (*hug*) hope that helps! And I wish you the best of luck pursuing you passion with cars and engines!
     
  4. SpecialBrownies

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    Nobody has the right to tell you what's 'not gay enough.' The gay community is all about being yourself, and loving it, so just go with who you are, dude! :grin:
     
  5. RooB

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    Hey formula im with you on pretty much every level. I am to new to this site and had a similar story to tell. I first came to the conclusion that I was gay because I favored guys more. But then soon I didn't feel comfortable after a while in my own skin. I guess I was never really comfortable being just the gay guy and pretty much pushed me back in the closet for a long while. I didn't want to act gay because to wasn't me. Soon I started to try being the straight guy, but that was only temporary because still I didn't feel right in my own skin. I still wasn't being true to the real me on the inside. Now I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm bi and attracted to both sexes. And to be honest I've never felt more like myself in a while. My straight friend is very comfortable around me as well as some other gay friends and im not afraid to be myself, though I tend to act more straight around other guy friends. I have friends that are girls that I love hanging around because that's where much of my gay side comes out. And I still find to do some of my own passions like playing bass guitar and skateboarding. So I guess it all comes down to being comfortable with yourself and being true to your self. And im sure that your friend or friends will understand that. I hope this helps you on your journey wherever it takes you.
     
  6. Amerigo

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    this is just like me, sorry i couldn't add more helpful feedback :0
     
  7. blueberrymuffin

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    Given your age, they might (wrongly?) suspect you're dealing with internalized homophobia and the best thing for you is to just accept it and come out. They might suspect your passion for cars is kind of a cover and that what you really want to do is 'gay it up.' Maybe they've never met a 'not entirely straight' guy who doesn't fit the stereotypes. It's not necessarily the worst intentions. Having said that, you should probably warn them to stop and that you need to deal with this at your own pace. They don't have a right to out you.
     
  8. FormulaTuner

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    Thanks for all the support and advice :slight_smile: I have been having trouble adjusting so partially the signals I'm sending isn't the true reflection of what's really going on behind my current facade if you will. So I have been doing a lot of extra work just to get my mind off pondering and mulling over this in my head cause its extremely tiring, but I'm glad I'm doing it now because I wouldn't want to do this when and if I get married...that would be bad. The reason I'm doing this is probably because the only real support network I really have are my straight friends who I've known since the start of the 8th grade and they are supportive of me as we've been battling to get out band together, I'm a bassist/drummer as well. I'm not sure but the gay culture in SA is only developing and most the openly gay people are attempting to dictate the youth and keep issuing the do's n don't's(WTFlyingFork who gave them the right?). I am quite conservative by nature and actually have quietend down because of personal change and I'm trying to find an answer to why this is so, even my straight friends in an attempt to support me have also found the somewhat aggressive nature of our pride organisations a bit weird. But other than that I find a lot of gay people friendly and really welcoming and so have my friends.

    I will admit that I have had crushes on guys before and being naïve I blamed it on hormones and just repressed the feelings, so maybe a repressed homosexual/bisexual or whatever. But like I keep telling my friends I don't want to apply a label too early as I could be misguided or wrong and no one wants to live a lie only to disappoint ones significant other after a couple of years of serious dating/marriage.
     
  9. GArchi1992

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    Never be afraid to be yourself. Don't try to fit in just to fit stereotypes, you'll just make yourself miserable. I've worked on construction sites for about three years now and people still constantly ask me "are you really gay? You don't act gay!". Just continue to be yourself and do what interests YOU. Don't set out to make comply with other peoples perceptions, you'll just blend in and allow your sexuality to define you. You're far more interesting than that. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Pat

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    Uh. I mean, just be who you are. I work on cars too and I'm pretty masculine, I've never been accused of not being gay enough when I'm hitting on a guy or having one go down on me lol.. so... lol. Yeah. Sounds like a dead issue to me. If you're truly a leader, you shouldn't be phased by what other people think of you. And something else that people don't realize is that a lot of masculine gay men are homophobic. I know I am. Which is pretty...odd. But possible. I enjoy being conservative and I tend to avoid any individuals that are "over the top" personality wise in general, including females. I just want everyone to be mellow, without using drugs to do so :wink: I think you should just do what comes natural to you and there's no shame in being a little different. If they think that means that you're not gay, then whatever.. And I really try to be open minded, but this site can be really difficult for me. There's a lot of whining going on. Quite frankly, I don't think anyone can tell you what your sexuality is. I think people can confirm your findings about it, but you already know the answer to it, so I don't get why so many people have to ask. Do you like looking at girls naked? Can they arouse you? Is it the same for a man? Then you're bi in my book. If you can't see yourself dating a man, then I think that makes you a bi curious person i.e. one that should probably exhibit self control if you want to just fuck someone with no strings attached. Granted, this is just my opinion and I realize this isn't the scenario you've provided, just trying to give my 2 cents. No one can tell you who you are, you know yourself the best.
     
    #10 Pat, Aug 8, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2013
  11. Randy

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    There's no such thing of not gay enough. Being gay is so much more than what stereotypes places. You are you, don't try to change who you are. I, too, had the same mentality that I'm not gay enough to be gay. That all changed when I joined this community and learned that there are many shades of gay people.
     
  12. jupiter2

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    Hey Formula, cut yourself some slack. You're 18, and it's OK to be just trying to figure yourself out. You're still evolving. But anyone who's telling you you're not gay enough and should be more gay is telling you wrong, friend or not. The only thing that matters is that you should be authentically yourself. I really question the description of these people as "friends" who want to to be something else and what's more, try to out you, something which is wrong and morally repugnant, particularly from other gay people. This part of your story resonates with me a little because I've been systematically outed by a "friend" at work for cheap laughs. (It's on a thread in another section). I can understand why you're so mad. You have a right to be angry, it's a form of abuse. Tell 'em where to go. They have no right to put you in a certain slot. Hmm , maybe there should be a thread on being outed and how to deal with it effectively. Moderators? Look, if you like tuning engines playing drums and like guys, so what, it just adds to the great variety of people out there. Behind you 100%
     
  13. jupiter2

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    Oops, line 4 should read "want you to be something else". That's what you get at one o'clock in the morning