If you read my story it would mean the world to me. I'm in a juxtaposed place in life

Re: If you read my story it would mean the world to me. I'm in a juxtaposed place in

Hi, and welcome to EC.

First, it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability (which are really the same thing) to talk about what happened to you and what you're feeling, so I admire and appreciate your openness in talking about this issue.

Second, pretty much everything you are describing (the ADD, the anxiety, the difficulty and confusion surrounding relationships, and the confusion about sexual orientation) are all very common side effects of childhood sexual abuse. There's too much to be able to go into in a forum posting, but suffice it to say that it is a combination of the sexual abuse itself, and the perceived power dynamic of the abuse (it wasn't your choice, even if you feel like you could have resisted) that are causing most of the issues you are feeling. Add on to that the shame you have about being abused, and the fact that you kept a very major secret from your family (due to the shame), and you have a potent emotional storm inside you.

This is, unfortunately, a very common thing. About 1 in 6 boys in the US are sexually abused, according to most of the research. But it isn't often talked about, simply because it's so shameful. And it needs to be talked about more.

In your case, you will need therapy. Without it, you're going to find a lot of difficulties with emotional and physical intimacy, and complications in relationships. All of these are byproducts of the abuse. Likely, the anger you are feeling is tied into the abuse as well; as you start working through the sexual orientation stuff, the underlying abuse stuff normally comes up with that. The good news is, with therapy, you can work through the issues and end up strong and emotionally healthy.

As to your abuser... if it helps any, I can all but assure you he's not normal and healthy and happy. He was almost certainly abused himself; a phenomenally high percentage of abusers were themselves abused (though only a small percentage of those abused go on to become abusers, so you needn't worry about yourself.) He may put on a good face, but I guarantee he struggles in numerous ways with his own demons.

As far as moving in together... my advice would be, at two months, it is too early. Early on in relationships, we're under the influence of oxytocin, a hormone secreted naturally by our endocrine system which basically creates "rose colored glasses"... everything looks rosy and wonderful. It is usually somewhere between 3 and 6 months that the effects of the oxytocin wear off, and only then can we really see what's going on with the relationship. Particularly in your case, there are likely to be a lot of challenges due to the abuse history, but he will also have his own issues (as do pretty much all gay men, due to the extra baggage we have.) I think it would be best for both of you to keep separate places for at least the first 6 to 12 months.

There is an online community I can recommend that is specifically for male sexual abuse survivors over 21. (there are several, but a lot of them are pretty screwed up and not very healthy places.) You might find it helpful to join there, as you'll be able to get a lot of insights from others who have been through similar situations. There are abuse survivors here at EC as well, but a lot more in that community. You can PM me if you'd like the website name and so forth.

You would probably also benefit from getting a copy of Mic Hunter's wonderful book "Abused Boys" and checking out Brené Brown's wonderful TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability"

 

Re: If you read my story it would mean the world to me. I'm in a juxtaposed place in

Hi, and welcome to EC.

First, it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability (which are really the same thing) to talk about what happened to you and what you're feeling, so I admire and appreciate your openness in talking about this issue.

Second, pretty much everything you are describing (the ADD, the anxiety, the difficulty and confusion surrounding relationships, and the confusion about sexual orientation) are all very common side effects of childhood sexual abuse. There's too much to be able to go into in a forum posting, but suffice it to say that it is a combination of the sexual abuse itself, and the perceived power dynamic of the abuse (it wasn't your choice, even if you feel like you could have resisted) that are causing most of the issues you are feeling. Add on to that the shame you have about being abused, and the fact that you kept a very major secret from your family (due to the shame), and you have a potent emotional storm inside you.

This is, unfortunately, a very common thing. About 1 in 6 boys in the US are sexually abused, according to most of the research. But it isn't often talked about, simply because it's so shameful. And it needs to be talked about more.

In your case, you will need therapy. Without it, you're going to find a lot of difficulties with emotional and physical intimacy, and complications in relationships. All of these are byproducts of the abuse. Likely, the anger you are feeling is tied into the abuse as well; as you start working through the sexual orientation stuff, the underlying abuse stuff normally comes up with that. The good news is, with therapy, you can work through the issues and end up strong and emotionally healthy.

As to your abuser... if it helps any, I can all but assure you he's not normal and healthy and happy. He was almost certainly abused himself; a phenomenally high percentage of abusers were themselves abused (though only a small percentage of those abused go on to become abusers, so you needn't worry about yourself.) He may put on a good face, but I guarantee he struggles in numerous ways with his own demons.

As far as moving in together... my advice would be, at two months, it is too early. Early on in relationships, we're under the influence of oxytocin, a hormone secreted naturally by our endocrine system which basically creates "rose colored glasses"... everything looks rosy and wonderful. It is usually somewhere between 3 and 6 months that the effects of the oxytocin wear off, and only then can we really see what's going on with the relationship. Particularly in your case, there are likely to be a lot of challenges due to the abuse history, but he will also have his own issues (as do pretty much all gay men, due to the extra baggage we have.) I think it would be best for both of you to keep separate places for at least the first 6 to 12 months.

There is an online community I can recommend that is specifically for male sexual abuse survivors over 21. (there are several, but a lot of them are pretty screwed up and not very healthy places.) You might find it helpful to join there, as you'll be able to get a lot of insights from others who have been through similar situations. There are abuse survivors here at EC as well, but a lot more in that community. You can PM me if you'd like the website name and so forth.

You would probably also benefit from getting a copy of Mic Hunter's wonderful book "Abused Boys" and checking out Brené Brown's wonderful TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability"