Let's start by saying I never had self-esteem issues until I was 14. I was genuinely confiden and happy. In the new school I was just me and I also acted stronger than I was even though I was happy regardless. You know how when you're on top people want to pull you down so that they'd be on top. I am not saying that to make myself sound more important or anything. I had big personal unresolved issues that I can't explain (too long and private) with someone. As the first year went by, I got weaker and weaker gradually. I stopped caring about being popular and friendly and seeing people and got a little more into myself, realizing I was gay and different. I got really bad. I felt I couldn't do anything anymore and I was suicidal at the time (don't ask how). So you can imagine that the aboslutely last thing on my mind was school. When I had the worst thoughts going through my mind, and I was tired and exhausted all night from not sleeping, I began to change. My self-esteem hit the rocks. I became quiet. Remember the issues I had with someone? When I was "out of it" in school and started looking sad, he took the chance to turn me into a loser. And I was. Some parts were really embarassing I don't even want to talk about it. And looking at it now is killing me. I wasn't popular, everyone was free to say whatever shit they wanted to say about me. I made a 180 degrees turn. When I remembered to resist it was too late. At that time I lost my best friend. We were very close. Once she was close to seeing what a loser I became, I shut her out. Ignored her She never realized what happened. I was a bitch and wanted her to go away so she wouldn't see what's happening. That's a big void in my life now. She's still contacting me but I'm colder. I'm no longer in middle school and those times are over, but even today I'm a sad gay friendsless person and I don't want her to see that. And now the part that matters... I started high school looking good and happy. Only this time it wasn't genuine at all - however, I was in a mindset of getting new friends and I was trying so hard not to be quiet and not to let school get me down. My life kept being a mess so what seemed like a great start for me died... nothing's different now. I'm quiet. I still tried my best to look strong and happy and noticed people respected me... like if I was in class with 2 nerds, the popular ones would talk shit and about them and only them. Not me cause you don't mess with confident people. It's all about confidence. HOWEVER, this second year in high school was a MESS! I was a mess. Sad expression and quiet. You wouldn't guess I was the same person. Also less stylish, less hot, different. I talk with people around my table but during the class, it's nothing. I've become a quiet person. I don't look happy and well, I'm not at all. My life is empty... completely. Now remember the one that would make fun of EVERYONE but me? He's not afraid to talk about me anymore. In fact, he was making impressions of people in front of everyone and eventually an impression of me appeared. "I" was quiet and serious looking. With my old experience I had no idea what to do. "Should I laugh it off? Wait, what's funny? But maybe I should laugh. Everyone's laughing at their turn. Is it a friends kinda thing?", wishing he would die when everyone else just laughed at their "turns". Now my image is a sad kid (=not too confident) that is quiet (=not too confident). I wasn't made fun of harshly this year unlike others that are less quiet than me. Remember what I said about people pulling you down when you're on top? It's like that particular guy is "testing" now to see how far it could go. I know he asked stuff about me last year so I know that he's jealous for sure. Maybe because I was purposely loud in class last year to show confidence, the kind of guy you want to make sure you can belittle. It probably sounds overdramatic but it's only overanalyzed. I've had such a bad experience that my reaction just can't be normal and i know it. I feel like I didn't express myself very well but just trust my feelings. Something's up and I can't keep this image. Now that I know the person that used to be jealous or weirdly annoyed by my confidence finally grew the balls to talk about me and actually in a joke type of way, I have to fix things. All of a sudden he talked about me. I don't react well to things like this and slowly I know if I don't change something I will be sorry. I want to get in touch with that old best friend but won't until I stop being a mess. I know it may sound like a stupid school post but it's more than that. My life is awful and I can't stand to have history repeat itself. I'm not good with words now and this thread is probably not that interesting because I described everything badly and I can see it being ignored now so anyway, please any help... I want to get better and be confident and happy for real, but that can't happen in one day so what do I do? How do I stop being quiet? It's like I've becaome totally quiet and I can't stand it now.
