Hello good people of EC. I don't make too many threads but I'm really hoping someone could share some words of wisdom or comment on my situation. Here's the deal. I work several jobs. I'm quitting one of them in one week to free up some time in my life. There is a guy at this particular job that I have absolutely been crazy about for the past year and a half. I promised myself that I'd tell him how I feel about him if I ever left that place. We don't work 'together' per se, he just works in a different department and our shifts happen to overlap by a few hours. I sometimes sit and chat with him and his fellow co-workers on break and we've all hung out outside of work a couple of times. Long story short, I love this guy but I have don't know if he's gay/straight/bi/whatever. He is single, I know that much. His facebook page says straight but I'm hoping he isn't. Yes, I know! It's another one of those 'gay-guy-loves-straight-guy-but-hopes-he's-really-gay' situations' For the record he may or may not know that I'm gay. My facebook page says that I'm interested in men but it has never come up in any conversation between us so I have no idea if he even noticed. I don't particularly act 'gay' in the stereotypical sense. Anyways, I'm going to tell him how I feel about him after my last day. I was thinking of meeting him after work and walking home with him and telling him then. I was hoping to do it in private because I really don't want the presence of his work-mates to affect the way he might respond. It is very likely that he is straight and I am ready to accept that. I don't expect violence of any kind. If by some stroke of good fortune he turns out to be gay then he'd very likely still be in the closet to everyone/most people and I'm willing to make certain sacrifices to make it work between us. I don't know why I'm posting this. I've been going over this whole situation in my head now for several months and I've talked to my friends about it and they are wishing me good luck. I guess I just want to know what some other people think about it. Please post any suggestions, comments, dos and don'ts, personal experiences, etc. I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and maybe some validation that what I'm doing is a good thing, even if it is a lost cause. In any case, it certainly is a big step for me. I've been in the situation where I've had to express my love for someone, let alone someone who probably isn't even gay/bi. P.S. Sorry if it was long and drawn out. Thanks for your patience if you bothered to read all of that
hi i thought i'd message you back. i don't really have any advice to give. do you know that you would still see him even after you quit? if you know for a fact that you won't see him again then you have nothing to lose by telling him. if there's a possibility you two could still be friends after you quit then you risk losing his friendship. please let me know how this goes as i am in a similar situation. if anyone's ever read my post's they're probably sick of hearing about my feelikngs for my friend but this is the only place i can come to and say exactly what i'm feeling. anyway, my friend is moving to australia for 3 months. she says she is coming back but there is a possibility i won't see her again. i am really tempted to tell her how i feel because i am struggling with the thought of losing her. however, i don't want to lose her friendship by telling her how i feel if she does come back. add up the pros and cons of telling him and see if you think it's worth telling him. i really hope it goes well for you, let us know how it goes please.
>>>Anyways, I'm going to tell him how I feel about him after my last day. You sure this is the best way? Why not just come out to him first? You don't even have to make a big announcement - just let it be known, by saying something like, "I'd really like to get into a relationship, but I'm finding it hard to find a boyfriend with as many jobs as I have." Once you come out to HIM, chances are excellent that, if he's gay, he'll come out to YOU. If he doesn't, that should give you the answer you need - that he's probably not gay, and almost certainly not interested. Lex
As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am not sure you should come straight out and declare your love for him, it might scare him off. It might make things easier if you just tell him that you like being around him and would like to get to know him better and would he like to go to the movies/roller blading... whatever it is you do, with you some time this week-end. That will keep things casual whilst letting him know that you like him as more than a casual work collegue. As for the straight/gay bit you won't know unless you ask him out then you will see his reaction to your suggestion. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I'd tend to agree. Tell him that you enjoy his company, and that because you're leaving, you'd like to maybe hang out with him some time. If he isn't even interested in doing that, then it's unlikely that he'll be receptive to you 'liking' him. But if you do manage to hang out - one one one - and you seem to be getting along, then you might want to take things to the next level.
Hi, I agree with the others. If you've gotten to know him only from chats during your breaks, I don't think telling him that you love him out of no where is the best approach. I think it would be better if you would get together with him for drinks, go to a movie, etc... and try to get to know him first. You don't know what his reaction is going to be if you just tell him. There might not be any violence, but what he might say could hurt you emotionally. And why would you want that?
Wow, I'm surprised by the number of responses already Thanks for the comments everyone. Argghh. That wasn't what I wanted to hear even though you're all probably right Ugh, my mind is a mess. I've been staring at my computer screen for 30 minutes trying to think of how to respond. Part of me just wants this whole thing to be over. It started out as a simple crush that I shrugged off for a while but over time it has developed into something deeper. Even sitting around the staff-lounge alone with him he has shared some personal details. We played hockey one time and I drove him home and we ended up parked outside his place, alone, talking for 3 hours. Mostly about growing up, music, movies, work, life in general... At some point I was sucked in. I'm worried that if I take our friendship further than 'co-workers/hang out from time-to-time' I'll be setting myself up for even more hurt down the road. Ugh, I'm rambling again I think.... As much as I love being just friends, keeping these other feelings hidden has really eaten away at me for the past few months. I really really want to get it off my chest and I want to do it very soon. I feel as if it will be the only way to get over him and move on with my life. I don't think I can prolong it any longer. It's draining every bit of energy I have emotionally and physically. I have trouble sleeping at times even when I desperately need sleep. I don't want to wait any longer. If he feels the same way, great. If not, sure it'll suck but at least I can finally stop worrying about it. That's the way I look at it. I still plan to go through with it but I don't think I'm going to declare my undying love for him, as it were. I definitely think it would scare the shit out of him. I think I'll just keep it very casual... "I've had a lot of fun working with you", "I think your enjoyable to be around, interesting, funny and an all around special guy" and then maybe see if he wants to go for coffee or something. Yeah, I'm no one for words, I'm still working on the dialogue! And I'll make sure it comes across as me liking him in a 'more-than-friends' kind of way. I want it to be clear I like him without dropping a huge bombshell on him. Anyways, I'm going to stop typing because I'm just rambling some more. I also haven't slept in around 36 hours so I may not be very coherent. I'll check back in a bit. Thanks for your responses.
Hmmm - ok. You've spent more time with him and have more in common with him than I thought based on your original post. Sitting out in someone's driveway for 3 hours and talking about all kinds of stuff... That's different. I'd suggest you have a discussion with him and share the fact that you're gay. Hopefully he'll be cool with that. If he is, you could admit that you've also got a bit of a thing for him, and that you wanted you to let him know that you thought he was a pretty cool guy. Hopefully, he'll be flattered, say thanks, and either confirm that he's straight and not interested or acknowledge that he's also gay and thinks you're cool too! Good luck! But brace yourself. The things we carry around in our heads can sometimes get larger than life.
Thanks for sharing some more information. You know him already a bit better than what came through in your original post. I think that's already a start....I think though that Jim's advice is the best approach to it. Plus, it still gives you the option of retreat if you see that he might not be as open towards gays. Think also about your own emotions and how you might feel afterwards. Taking it slow and safe might be the best way to move forward. Good Luck!!
Thanks for the advice Jim. I also thought it was a tad strange that he would sit in a car and talk for three hours. There were several pauses in the conversation when he could have said "It's been nice talking to you but I should probably get going." He kept talking about something else... Eventually he glanced at the clock and realized it was 5:30 in the morning and told me he should probably get some sleep. Anyways, thanks for replying all of you.
