Hello EC! I'm 19 years old, almost 20, and I've never had a relationship or sex. I'm not really manly looking (skinny and not into sports and stuff), so I don't really appeal to girls. So when I was a teenager, watching how I was unable to find a girlfriend like all my friends and schoolmates did, I kind of convinced myself that I don't NEED a relationship, and watching how everyone's world revolves around sex, and how people talk about animalistic "fυcking" all the time, I decided I don't NEED to have sexual intercourse with someone, in order to feel happy, and everything worked out great. But then I went in the army, made some friends there, some of them were gay, I told them I was asexual and they were cool with it. But one night I was alone with this straight guy in the middle of nowhere, it all started as a joke and I ended up giving him a BJ. The next day I felt horrible for doing such a thing, I needed to talk to someone so I went to that gay friend of mine. He didn't believe me because I'm not the kind of guy who would do such a thing and the other guy is a known straight guy. I went to another gay friend that I didn't trust as much and he believed me. But he convinced the other gay guy and they started making fun of me, making gay jokes about me all the time and using embarassing innuendos when the straight guy was present. This whole experience made me not to want to come out to my family and friends, since they are way more homophobic than gay people (obviously, lol), but it made me curious to explore my sexuality. You can't know you're asexual until you try, right? So I went on a gay site and found many people who would like to meet me, BUT I'm too scared to go out with them, I'm afraid I'm not ready for sex and they'll just get mad at me for "wasting their time" and leave, AND I'm not sure I want to do it, everyone I know is...not homophobic towards others but towards me. For example, my friends met my gay friends and they really liked them, but they say stuff like "They're cool but don't hang out too much with them, they'll turn you into gay". And judging by the gays' reaction I would NEVER tell my friends or family about what I did. So should I explore my sexuality to become sure of my choice to abstain from sex, or should I stick to my choice and never talk to a gay guy again? If I choose to explore my sexuality and decide that I'm gay should I come out or keep it a secret forever?
The fact that you gave a guy a blowjob doesn't necessarily mean you're gay. Did you like giving him a blowjob? Is it something you would want to do again, something you would feel like you're missing out on if you didn't do it again? Are you attracted to men (or women)? If not, then I don't think you need to worry about being gay. But if the experience did pique your interest or make you realize that there may be more to sex/sexuality that you didn't realize before, then it might be worth looking into. If you do end up concluding that you're gay, don't keep it a secret forever. Trust me, the closet is hell, no one deserves to live their entire life there. But be safe and cautious about who you tell and when/where you tell them. With your family, for example, if you're still dependent on them, don't tell them until you're independent, living on your own, financially stable, etc. because some families do disown their kids for being gay, unfortunately.
The thing is, it happened twice but the second time didn't feel as good as the first. It felt good while doing it but awful when we were done. I am attracted to both men and women, but not in a way that I would like to have sex with them. So far coming out was more of a hell than the closet, and my parents probably already know it, they keep asking me about girls and bringing one home like my brother does and everything, they seem pretty dissapointed in me but I don't care about them they should love me.
I don't know exactly what you feel after doing it, but it's pretty normal to have a sense of regret or guilt after masturbating/having sex, especially after the first few times you do it. But once that feeling of guilt or regret passes, you usually feel a need/desire to do it again, and then over time that feeling of guilt/regret diminishes. Does that bad feeling you describe go away eventually? If so, do you feel a need/desire to do it again once it passes? I don't know much about Cyprus or the particular environment you live in, but would you say there's a lot of homophobia where you live? That could be part of why you've had such a bad experience coming out, but I promise you, there are people out there who won't judge you or belittle you for being gay (or whatever you decide you are). Unfortunately, however, I don't know what the best course of action would be based on your situation. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you more suggestions, but you should do whatever feels right for you. You know your situation better than I do, and if you feel that coming out would do more harm than good, then you might want to wait until you're in a position where you can come out and feel safe.
Yes it's exactly as you described it. As a country it still needs time to accept homosexuality, especially between men, but I, myself, I'm kind of introvert and antisocial, and having no one to stand up for me I often get victimized and picked on; that's why I prefer staying in a safe closet. Thank you for your advice though
I was once an (aromantic) asexual. I just wanted to concentrate on school and not my love life, so I identified as that so I wouldn't deal with that side of myself. I thought I would eventually go out with a girl. Eventually, it took seeing a boatload of happy gay couples (at a marriage equality event) to see that I need a man in my life. It was difficult to go from "safely" being asexual (although you know that there are definitely problems with that) to gay. I realized that my asexuality was a placeholder. I know you've probably heard this... but it might just take the right person to let you truly know how you feel. My boyfriend and I used to identify as homoromantic asexual, but the more we talk, the more sexual we are growing. Thus, I now identify as demisexual. You see, it did indeed require the right person to activate these feelings. However, I am NOT asserting that you are the same. You very well just may be asexual! I may be the outlier here. I would definitely encourage you to explore your feelings. Since you are introverted, you may be better off reading about queer sexuality to see if you might identify with any of that. Eventually, you will have to deal with people if you want to be happily coupled with someone... but that will take a LOT of courage! It is well worth it., though!
