Hi all, I'm a 20 year old male and for a few years I've been coming to terms with the fact that I am, in my opinion gay. I have had girlfriends in the past, but have never felt a true connection to them, nor can I say I have ever realistically envisaged a future with them in which I would be happy. The thought of being in a romantic relationship with a man, and perhaps adopting children is something that I really enjoy, from a sexual standpoint I have no experience with men, however I do think that if I fell in love with the right person, that I would not be opposed to gay sex. I have always been somewhat different, and I have lied to myself about men I've found attractive. There is a post on this forum wherein someone recommends removing labels and judgement, and just seeing who you are attracted to on a day to day basis. My evidence from this is that while I can appreciate an attractive women, I am intellectually and romantically drawn to males. I'm curious as to whether this is merely denial, or that I haven't met the right women. In my opinion it isn't, I do not believe I would have been so consumed by the thoughts of being gay, nor that I would have found the thoughts so uplifting. I have a girlfriend currently, but I am going to tell her today that I believe I am gay, I suppose I'm looking for advice regarding the typicality of my story, and whether others can identify and therefore, at least somewhat, validate my idea that I am gay. I may not be, but if it were my choice I would say I probably am. From a self-esteem perspective I think self-esteem is a fallacy. I am however able to accept myself as gay, and certainly not belittle myself for being so. The thought of telling my parents and perhaps close friends that I am gay is a liberating one for me, is this a usual feeling, or rather does it lend greater credence to my evaluation of my sexuality? I know no one can tell you your sexuality, I know that it is an intensely personal and subjective decision, and if that is truly the case, then my understanding that I am gay would be proof that I am gay. I suppose I just want honest advice, how do I come out, what do I say, do people in the gay community understand or accept the fact that I am a male virgin? I hope my point hasn't been lost within this tumult of opinion, and I hope that there are some on this site who can offer advice or support, perhaps share their experiences and help me to understand that it is natural to question your sexuality and moreover to question the questioning of one's sexuality. Any advice?
Coming Out: It ultimately depends upon you parents' view on Gay people and Gay Marriage. If they are for Gay people and Marriage, then it's safe to tell your parents. Now this part is Crucially important. If your parents do not like Gay people or Gay Marriage, DO NOT tell them. You can only tell them if you are able to support yourself. Why? Because, if you come out, and your parents don't like Gay people or Gay Marriage, you will most likely be out on the streets if you have nowhere to go. What to say: If your parents are okay with Gay people and Gay marriage, you should casually tell them. Don't make a big deal about it. Plus, be prepared to answer any questions your parents have, regardless if they're okay with Gay people and Gay Marriage. Some questions may be "Did I/we do something wrong?", "Are you sure it's not just a phase?", "What about children?", and "What about your girlfriend(s)?" arw just some examples. Answer truthfully. If your parents don't like the idea of Gay people or Gay Marriage, this would be when it isn't casual. Remember: If they don't like Gay people or Gay Marriage, wait until you can support yourself, as mentioned earlier. Still get ready to answer questions. As for your Girlfriend, it depends on her view of Gay people and Gay Marriage. If she is okay with it, tell her as soon as possible. But make sure she can keep it a secret. If your Girlfriend is not okay with Gay people or Gay Marriage, you still need to tell her, but without telling her. For example, just say that you think things aren't working out and you want to break up. Be prepared for questions here too. Like "Is it something about me?", "Don't you think we could work things out?", like that. As for the Gay community accepting a Male Virgin, I'm sorry. I don't know anything about this topic. I hope this helps.
When you have had girlfriends in the past and with your current girlfriend...why did you decide to date them? Did you pursue them? Do you find them attractive? Or do you think you may have done it because everyone else was doing it and you felt so inclined? I hate using this as a barometer of one's sexuality, but when you are fantasizing or "doing the deed" do you look at women or men? What kind of sexual relationship do you have with your current girlfriend/do you enjoy it? It seems to me you don't really have a strong attachment to her. I think it is possible you may have just not found the right woman, but in my opinion anyone that is questioning to some degree probably isn't "100% straight." If you have no connection to your current girlfriend, I would just break up with her. You don't have to tell her you are gay until you have everything sorted out.
Well I think it's only natural for someone to question anything, how else would you decide what you do or don't like? As far as questioning the questioning of your sexuality, have you sat down and though about questioning the questioning of the questioning of your sexuality? It's very simple to over think anything and get caught in a circle. I find your thread to be very interesting and here's why. Usually people get on here and say that they are questioning that they might be gay and they are attracted to guys and want to maybe try some physical things but the romantic and relationship parts just don't seem to be something they can deal with. You on the other hand have already thought out and are comfortable in your mind with having an emotional and romantic relationship with a man which to me is the definition of being a gay male and usually the hardest thing for someone to accept. The first time I had sex with a man it was just okay, but when he fell asleep and I was holding him close, I immediately knew I was gay and there was no turning back. As far as telling people that's something to do on your own terms and when you are comfortable. From experience I probably wouldn't tell my girlfriend during the break up because it can get a little ugly. There are plenty of gay men who are virgins, we all start out that way. Gay sex doesn't necessarily equal gay person. When you are straight no one ever questions that maybe you just haven't found the right man yet but when you are gay it's always you didn't try hard enough to find the right girl. You might not have found the right girl yet, but from what I read it seems like you are much more interested in finding the right man and you are very comfortable with it. I say embrace it and find a good guy. Good Luck
in terms of sexuality I am very similar to you, experience is a variation so ill only advise you on our similarities, For 8 months (since my first experience with a guy) I have been battling every single day with my sexuality. Ive accepted that like you I can see a relationship with a man more than a woman but appreciate the looks of women. I recently went for a night out with an acceptance in myself that I was gay but that id have to try and get with a woman. And I had a really good laugh! I enjoyed the night and had great fun and felt quite free for the first time in a long time! I got with a girl but to be honest it was just fun (and just snogging) however it nearly led to sex and... I wanted to do it but again it was more of a fun thing I guess. I guess my best advice from what ive learnt is just be honest with yourself (which you seem to be) and that sexuality is a much more complicated thing than I first realised! Ive recently realised also, that ive been gay for a while. it sounds stupid, but when you feel like being gay just isn't an option with your situation, you don't think about it! ive been attracted to guys since my early teens but I always came up with an excuse or just ignored it. I cant say it was taring me apart as I only accepted it after getting with a guy on new years. But I am much happier now and closer to coming out. I cant say I look on coming out with as much enthusiasm as you do but I know I can't move on without doing so. Hope my situation helps and im sure there were bits of advice in there as well, also USE THIS SITE!! It has been a monumental help to me and I'm sure it will be to you too as well
Hi all, Thanks first of all for the advice and the support, I really appreciate it, and I thank you for sharing your own experiences with me. My problem is that I find it difficult to imagine sex with a man, is this a normal reaction, considering it's as of yet an unknown quantity, I think a certain reticence is to expected. This does not mean that I am not attracted to men, I am, but does anyone have any advice as to how to help my anxiety (read: not fear). I am also experiencing some sadness since coming out to my girlfriend, again I don't think this is indicative of being straight, rather that I am going through a natural stage of grief while I adjust to the idea of not having the stereotypical lifestyle of a nuclear family. Does this sound correct to anyone? Hope you're all well.
If you have never had sex with a man, I think that it is normal to be difficult imagining it. I feel the same way. As for grieving, it's natural to do this when you break-up with someone. Just hang in there. I hope that this helps. If you need any advice, I'm here.
