So, one of the reasons I came to this site was I am really confused about myself... So, here's my story: since 6th grade I prefer being with my male friends most, and I apparently was always brave enough to talk with girls - since my birth my friends were only girls up to the 5th grade; since 4th grade I tried to look at girls' shapes as minimum as possible, because I thought it was rude and vulgar - I even looked at dudes more and more, so, I started to like them more than girls; and there's a dude - my best friend since 7th grade, and I felt I liked him since the beginning but denied it always - I thought it was abnormal and I should have not thought about him that way, because any sign of homosexual thoughts or behavior would be my death reason. But time passed, I couldn't go for a single day without thinking about him and I started giving him some hints - tried to sit closer to him whenever and when we were alone at my home I even tried to rest my head on his shoulder (that, of course, was unacceptable for him and he used to take my head off his shoulder manually - using hitting) but he did not ask whether I liked him or I was gay or whatever... So, a year has passed since that and I asked him to try guessing my secret (that secret sounds like "I am probably bisexual") and started to tell him some hints such as "It is related to my behavior, people around me, and you, apparently". He has still not guessed it correctly - I even told that there is no thing (in Lithuania) worse than my secret and it's most embarrassing thing here. He guessed that I was gay. Incorrect. And I kept prompting him details about that long word "bisexual"... And one day, I accidentally caught him stating he was sure he was straight and "oh, if girls liked me as much as those ants do..." so when he asked me to reveal the secret I simply told him that he had already said a sentence that was crucial to my secret - if I told him my secret, I might lost my last friend on this earth, plus I am not still sure he wouldn't tell that to others - that would be reason of my probable suicide. He kept asking me, why I ask him to forget my secret - that I am probably bisexual - and I am currently stuck at moderate depression... He's currently on a journey abroad, and I don't think I will tell him that before I move out to Germany - so my family and other acquaintances would not bully me to death. By the way, nobody of my acquaintances is gay (at least openly) and, well, the only human being I love (not counting my family) can't even theoretically like me... Why was I born after all?... Oh if girls turned me on... I wouldn't care about him...
Even if things seem the worst for you, please pull through. You were born because you were meant to be on Earth. Please snap out of the depression. I know what you're going through. Despite my Family being for Gay Marriage, I still haven't told them. I know how it feels to be almost losing a friend, and I have also experienced Depression. But my depression was MUCH worse than yours. You know how I recovered from it? I realized that even through it might not look like it, if you were gone, people would be upset. You've just got to pull through. People do care and love you, under all the pain, stress, and sorrow. I believe in you. Try to make friends, and build a strong bond. If telling your secret may result in losing your friends, don't tell them. It's better if they don't know. If you need more support, I'll always be here.
Thanks for support, seriously. I am not planning to kill myself, the things aren't THAT bad. Only I can't wait until I get out of this beautiful, extremely homophobic (believe you me) country so I can love whom I love without any fear of being caught and dying while counting how many baseball bats are around me covered with my liver. Apparently I am not supporting gay marriage (though I'm not against it either), I just am not going to marry at all. Marriage isn't my dream at all. And my family, apparently, isn't that homophobic as those "friendly" problem solvers, they only laugh when dialogue goes about sexual minorities... Though my best friend (whom I love etc.) has already said that he wouldn't cancel our friendship me if I was gay (although he probably hasn't heard about bisexuals and pan-sexuals). Only my secret was two-parts: first being my probable sexuality and second being my love to him. Only if he knows the second part, he might always look at me weird (and would have some real compromising material). However, since I'm planning to move out to Germany when I finish the high school, I already have been discussing about his moving out with me together (that would be useful for him as he could work and improve his German, plus loneliness would kill me there and Germany would show him it isn't that abnormal to be like that so he wouldn't look at me weird), and he seems to be supporting my plan a bit... It's only really hard to hold my secret for three years more...
About holding the secret for 3 more years, say to him that a close friend of yours was in love with you. Then ask him how he would react to the same thing. If your friend says that it would creep him out, wait to tell him. If your friend says he'd be okay with it, wait about 2 or 3 days to tell him you like him. That way, your friend won't suspect anything when you tell him (supposedly) that a close friend told you he liked you.
Definitely do not think of harming yourself! You're in a tough situation and I've also struggled with depression in the past. But, as Lady Gaga said, G-d makes no mistakes, and you were meant to be this way. I hope that your friend, if you tell him, accepts you for who you are and that everyone else will too. Good luck!
