I've recently decided that I want to come out to my best friend (which I'll have to do eventually), who's generally open minded, and supports LGBT. We don't really see each other that often, cause I go to college in another city. Now I will be moving for a year in another country, and he will come to visit me once or twice. And if I meet somebody, it's only fair that I introduce them, and even if I don't meet somebody, I really want to tell him. The thing is every once in a while, when everybody else is joking about gays, he joins them, and says really hateful things towards gays. And it pushes me down the closet again. I really don't know what to do. I want to come out to him and it will come as a shock to him, but I know he'll be supportive. But now when he jokes and makes hateful comments about gays it really hurts me and I wonder whether I should come out to him. If someone has been in this situation, help. Did your friend after you coming out continue to say hateful stuff or did this change? I'm really confused and don't know what to do.
Is this joking in a good way, or a bad way? IOW, is it really hateful, or just playful? At any rate, if you think he'll be supportive, I'd say go for it. You might even want to have a conversation with him about how it's hurtful to you when he does those things. Chances are he doesn't even know.
Joking in a bad way ... just yesterday we were out with other friends, and they started making fun of a boy that "acts" like a girl, and my best friend was the one that started all the anti-gay jokes. He said things like oh he's gay (but from my language the exact translation would be fag, like hurtful), and he's probably had sex with other boys, and one comment was, that maybe he's transgender and a freak. I jumped in and said, like don't be haters, and don't judge people on what they look or act, but they just kept going. In my country, usually when LGBT issues are mentioned, people think of gay men, and not lesbians, or transgender people. When I talk to him, about LGBT issues (cause they are mentioned on the news quite often, in a bad way), he's supportive, and says, that LGBT should have the same rights, and do whatever they want. But again he says it like that is happening somewhere else, and not in the lives of his friends or family. He once said that just to piss off homophobes, he'd organize a pride parade. But then again he's under the illusion that, that is happening far away. So that's where my issues come. When he says supportive things, I just want to tell him, but when he says hateful things I wonder if I'll be able to tell him ever.
I think you should tell him. If he is a true friend, he won't care and will apologize for saying hateful things about LGBT people in front of you. If he does not accept you, call him out for being a liar (on supporting LGBT rights) and forget about him. Good luck.
I had a somewhat similar situation in my coming out. It happened to be a coworker who said hateful things about gays and he often said things about me. Is it possible your friend is genuinely supportive of gays and lesbians but he's afraid to show it around other people? I think sometimes peer pressure is at play and someone who says they're supportive when they are by themselves can sometimes felt pressured to say hateful things when they're around closedminded people.
I honestly think your friend is just saying those things to fit in with the majority. I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you come out to him and you'll probably find that he is totally cool with it. Most of the time people don't have the guts to stand up for what they believe in when the majority is against it and therefore just go with the flow. Regardless of how they truly feel. I spent 5 years at high school with friends that were homophobic and they turned out to be the most accepting people in the end. So you just never know. Of course, it's going to be a shock to your friend. But if he's a true friend he'll stick by you. Good luck!!
Yes thanks for the replies guys. He is supportive of LGBT and when the topic comes he usually shows it. But sometimes because of trying to fit with the majority. Hopefully someday I will have the guts to tell him, and I hope it's within few months till then I just hope we don't find ourselves in similar situations, where he says those kinds of things.
Well I was in a similar situation with one of my friends. I told him I was gay and the jokes pretty much stopped (at least the ones directed at me). Whenever he would start to make a gay joke directed at me he would stop because he knew that it would either be offensive or easily turned back on him. Not sure if this is the same kind of joking or not.
I had a friend that did the exact same thing. He'd make "it's a choice" comments all the time and had tons of homophobic jokes. I was terrified to come out to him, to the point that I had to keep my hands under the table just so he wouldn't see my hands shaking. After I told him, he has become one of my biggest supporters and actually invited my last boyfriend to poker night.
Sounds like to me peer pressure of sorts is causing him to say those horrible things when around the others, to fit in or something maybe Especially since he's very supportive about the topic when he's with you alone If he genuinely thought those things I highly doubt he would be supportive as well
Somehow, I can handle the homophobic jokes, because I like jokes in general, but I have a tough time with "it's a choice." At any rate, your very best friends, who you plan on keeping, probably should know, if they already don't, as in "duh."
I have a friend who thinks somewhat the same way. In response to your concern the only thing I can say is to ask him if its a choice for him to like women. Pretty sure he will say something along the lines of "I don't choose to like women, it just comes naturally". This is when some straight people will become hypocritical. ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2013 at 12:35 PM ---------- Looking back to your original post I get the impression youre not out to your friend yet, correct? If not, coming out to him MIGHT be all that's needed to get him to stop saying those remarks. Also, I didn't see your age. You don't have to post your age but people's opinions on homosexuality change as they grow older. (Ex: high school, college, post college). If you are younger (high school age or college age) I would say your friend is just reacting to homosexuality based on how he was taught by society. ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2013 at 12:39 PM ---------- Sorry I see your age now. 20 is still very young, heck I wasn't even out to myself at that age. I think you will be fine.
This site has really been helpful to me ... after a few months i gathered the courage to tell my best friend, and he says he loves me no matter what, and he'll be always there for me. Which is a total relief of course. So again thanks for all the replies.
Some people, particularly young males, make gay jokes and say things they see you do are "gay", just to poke fun at you, assuming that you are straight and will think it is funny. I have started responding by telling them that, look guys, when you say that something is gay, you imply that there is something wrong about what they are doing and that being gay is wrong. You never know if the person you are saying that to, who is your friend, might be gay but not trusting to tell you because of those kind of inconsiderate things you say, even though you say them without bad intentions. You are hurting them without even knowing it. So please find some other way to tease them, or if you have to call them a name, pick one like "dork" or "klutz" that sounds like you are calling them "goofy", not "homosexuals" with a negative implication. I was playing racquetball with someone yesterday, and miss-hit the ball in such a way that it spun off wildly and made a strange sound. The other guy said "You hit that ball so gay". I stopped playing and went over and put my arm around his shoulder and told him essentially what I said above. He then smiled at me and said "<my name>, are you gay?" I replied, "Yes, but don't tell my wife or my boyfriend, they both think I am straight." He got the joke and laughed, but he didn't use the "gay" word again whenever I missed a ball or made a wimpy ball return. People need to hear this message from people they know and like, one person at a time, and in a friendly and informative manner. Call it "sensitivity training".
