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Is life worth changing?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JoshuaLovely, Aug 15, 2013.

  1. JoshuaLovely

    Regular Member

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    I have finally found a few people close by who are somewhat in the same boat as me. They are both gay, and it is wonderful to be able to talk to them. I haven't been talking to them long, so I'm definitely not going to be making any drastic changes to my life anytime soon. I've dreamed of being able to have a boyfriend for a long time. I know that I have had many a fantasy and I don't question that I have attractions to some men. It's just that now things are becoming very real for me. It's no longer just a fantasy. Soon enough I'm going to have to make real decisions that are going to have real consequences. Not dating any men and just having gay friends won't have any serious repercussions for me. Some people will question my motives and a few might decide they don't want to be around me but I can handle that. If I were to decide to date a guy it would be so different. I have such a strong bond with my entire family. Family and friends are my world, being with them is what I do for fun. I spend most of my free time away from home and with them. My life revolves around people of whom at least a few would revolt at the idea of me dating a man. If I came out, which I would deem necessary if I developed a serious relationship with a man, it stands to reason that a great deal of my life could be taken away from me. So many friends and quite a few family members would disown me. One family member in particular I focus on a lot in my thoughts. He has been there for me since I was born. He has been one of my best friends ever since. I spent a great deal of my childhood with him and now I go to see him whenever I can. When my dad wasn't around because of alcohol reasons, this man did his best to step in and be the dad I needed. He has taught me a great deal about being a man, and for the most part a good man. But he has his prejudices and they aren't going away. I know that he's capable of disowning a family member, he's done it before to his sister. I know that he can't stand anything but straight people and he would disown me. I would be absolutely devastated. I would also have to deal with many other family members being disappointed with me and looking down on me, which is the worst possible outcome I think. Yes I do have friends and those family members who would support me and could even be happy for me, but loosing so many people who have been an integral part of my life for, if not my entire life, a great deal of it, I don't know how I would be able to handle that. But on the other side of the coin, I've spent the past fourteen some odd years fantasizing of dating both sexes. I've dreamed of having a boyfriend. I've sat in front of my computer looking at happy gay couples and crying because I couldn't have that. It's hard to imagine being out but its hard to imagine never trying my hand at something that I was born to at least try. I'm also scared that if I did come out and go through hell that I would end up realizing that I prefer women, or I'd end up falling for a woman that I couldn't get because I was out as bisexual. I'm terrified that I'd end up wondering why I did that to myself. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if this was a world that accepted the LGBT community without question, I would have had several boyfriends by now. But the world isn't like that and I stand to loose a lot. My job is technically LGBT friendly. It's forbidden to bully or harass someone because of their sexuality. And I know of an open gay man who works there and seems happy. I also know that he gets made fun of behind his back and rules don't always matter. I'm about to try and get into the nursing field, and honestly I'm just not worried about money. I'll always have work. Its my family and friends that I don't want to loose. When I look in the mirror and see myself as I truly am, I unfortunately see someone who is weak. That comes from years of homophobic influence I suppose. I know that if I were out those who are currently surrounding me would see me as a weak (hateful slang here) and it would hurt tremendously. Why would I want to do that do myself? Why am I even considering this? I know it's because of who I am. I just don't want to be thirty something and married to a wonderful and understanding woman, and looking back asking myself "Why did I alienate myself from so many people just to end up with a woman anyway?". Is it that important to fulfill my fantasies? Is it that important to experiment and see what I think of dating men? I'm so confused and lost right now. I haven't eaten hardly anything in days now. I'm afraid that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and fourteen years of stress and ineffective pondering are coming to a head. What should I do?
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    You have two ways you can approach this problem.

    1. Plan it.
    2. Wing it.

    If you plan this out, you are left with so many problems. If you suppress your feelings and REFUSE to date men for fear of what your family will say, you will feel bad. If you come out to them and go looking for a man now you risk all the things you said and might realise you don't want to be with a guy anyway.

    If you play it by ear, you avoid this. If in the future you haven't fallen for a guy you don;t have your family problems but you didn't suppress anything or lie to yourself. If you fall for a guy you can make a better decision, because instead of giving yourself the choice of "any guy VS my family" it becomes "this guy I really care about VS my family". It won't be an easy choice but it's a much better place to come at it from.

    Hope that makes sense.
     
  3. JoshuaLovely

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    I guess I would prefer to wing it if I had to decide, and it seems like I'm not going to give myself a choice but to decide soon. Maybe I can get a few dates in and see how that goes. I will just have to be extremely careful not to get caught. I also hope that whoever I see is very understanding when it comes to this. I also hope that they are very good dates because I'll be basing a lot of decisions on a very few dates, which sucks considering that there are probably a ton of good guys out there that I'll never get to date if I decide to just date women because of a few bad apples that I might not realize are bad apples.