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Time to stop keeping me/us a secret?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by WednesdayDawn, Aug 16, 2013.

  1. WednesdayDawn

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Hey y'all,

    As I fight this cold (why do I post only when I'm sick? what's up with that?), I'm thinking about how inexplicably difficult it is to relax around a certain friend of mine.

    She and I, we're on the same page as much as we can be. I absolutely trust this chick, without a doubt, without exception. And I love our relationship. I love the moments of ease and love that I've experienced and that I know are barely out of reach. She has, with no intention of it, brought me into myself and made me someone I've only imagined I might be. We've seen each other through a little bit of struggle, a little bit of chaos, and I love it. Our future is bright.

    But I'm afraid of it. I've in the past been uneasy about whether I'll be too intense for her/us (this did happen a few years ago with someone else, and although that girl's forgiven me, I haven't forgotten it). We've talked it over, on multiple occasions, and I know I needn't fear that. Yet I'm holding myself back, perpetually nervous (which is only getting worse). I have a vague sense of why it might be so.

    My family is weird about relationships. My grandmother, her sister, and my mother were all abused by relatives as children. My grandmother is now meek and has forgotten the nature of youthful passions. Mom, the only one on this side of the family with any evident fire in her heart, has at times been very overwhelming. And since my parents divorced, there's been a lingering sense, false yet powerful, that everything I do is being closely watched (and may, at worst, be used against someone).

    So I keep to myself. They didn't know about the obsessive middle-school crush on a fortunately oblivious boy. They missed the junior-year period of questioning. I never said a word about the awkward coming-out to my poor, creeped-out friend senior year. And they certainly don't know about the current state of my heart (only that around Thanksgiving I suddenly started making reference to "somebody I know..."). I've let on about nothing. For all they know, after a brief flicker of interest in boys in middle school, I've since taken after Mom's siblings (seemingly asexual and devoted entirely to studies/jobs their entire lives).

    I do wonder, especially recently, if the secrets I keep (1. I sometimes feel strongly about things. 2. Some of those things are people. 3. Many of those people are girls.) are what make me so anxious. Like secrecy implies that I'm doing or feeling something wrong even though I know damn well that I'm not, like hiding this strengthens an otherwise flimsy notion that it ought to be hidden.

    For that reason, I'm kind of inclined to come out in some fashion, to let some of these secrets out. I'd always thought it'd be just some ordinary day or else once I'd had some manner of proof to offer up ("I'm gay and have this 'friend'…" does, while true, have a strange sound to it, as if I'm not entirely committed to the claim!). But really, the only one who'd really have had a problem with my being gay would've been my late, ex-deacon grandfather. Mom wouldn’t care. My grandmother, despite being married to the ex-deacon grandfather, also doesn't care about such things. If my not letting them know about this (or about anything else I care about) keeps my heart bound up and uncertain, I'm tempted to break this silence. In fact, barring sudden misgivings or urgings to the contrary, I think I'll at least allude to the topic with Mom once I'm able to breathe through my nose again.

    Thoughts? Questions? Do I make sense? (I was torn between completeness and compactness in composing this long post. I suspect the outcome of my decision is evident.) Nothing huge or urgent here, but by all means weigh in.
     
  2. Data

    Data Guest

    If you have no cons to coming out and all your loved ones would take it well, go for it! You seem like you want to come out, and if nobody is going to react badly, why not go for it?

    I hope you feel better soon! Being sick sucks BIG TIME.