Is it normal to feel WORSE/doubt after coming out?

I think it is normal, especially with the seeds of doubt sown in your mind by your mother. But there may also be a kind of mourning for what, until now, has been familiar territory: your relationship with your mother, the assurance of a "normal" life, etc.

It's important to feel these things, and to observe these feelings for all their nuance and variation in order to more fully understand them.

 

It's normal

Happened to me. I think doubt just tries to play a horrible game where you revert back to the state of "Maybe I'm not or Maybe I'm this"

It's all part of the coming out process and as time goes on and you learn that these doubts are not true things get easier.

"It get's better" to coin a well known phrase.

 

Same thing happened to me. I still have some doubts when I want to come out to people (especially since I haven't told my parents) and start double-guessing.
In reality, I think what really causes the doubts is my wish to keep leading a "normal" life. I know many people I feel really close to will not accept me. :/

 

Same here! Even though I came out as bisexual first, then gay. So, I think my family thinks I'm probably just confused, which I am not. And it is upsetting when people, like greatwhale said, plant those seeds of doubt in your mind. Because accepting who I am has been a very difficult process for me, so I already suffer from self doubt and their opinions do not help. So, don't allow anyone to make you second guess yourself. Tell them that you respect their opinion, but it is not helpful.

These feelings are yours and it is hard for some heterosexual people to understand. The most annoying thing I've heard is, "If you just give a man a chance then you never know" *sighs*. Like you said...

And for me, personally I don't see myself ever dating another man again; I only dated men to hide my true identity.

 

Totally normal. This too shall pass. Think about it, you are being vulnerable about one of your most prized possessions: your sexuality. The other person has the right of rejection. It takes courage to stand up to the possibility of rejection. Good job!

 

I don't know if it's "normal", but you are definitely not alone in this (as you can see from the other comments).

It depends on the person I suppose. I struggled with it big time, and coming out for me was/is NOT the liberating and joyous experience some people describe it as. I also wonder if people sometimes pretend to have had an easier time coming out than they actually did (because maybe they want to seem stronger than they actually are or because they are happy now but forgot how hard it was at the time).

The above quote makes you seem fairly determined . Don't beat yourself up and try not to over-analyze. If you could imagine a desert island where no judgement existed, but only naked people, which gender would you go for? :lol:

I'm going out on a limb here, but it seems more logical that your doubts arise from trying to conform to the norm. No one has to defend being straight. No one calls you out on it. So maybe that's why some gay people have such a hard time admitting to themselves what they truly want?

Anyhow, so what if you would have to backtrack? That would probably be an easier transition than the other way around . Maybe you can just try and be with girls? And if your attraction to guys truly is strong enough for you to be considered pan- or bisexual, it is bound to manifest itself, right? (just thinking out loud here)

 

Yep

I never thought it would happen to me, then it did. But now it's faded.

 

Hey Rachel, I want you to know you're not alone...! Wow... I actually came to this forum because I'm in the exact same situation!! From my outward appearance, I'm what society would consider 'normal'. I don't have a stereotypical 'gay man' image that has been ingrained into people's brains. The only person that knows my orientation is my mum, and that's because she went snooping around my emails and saw me discussing my sexuality with my counsellor. Same deal, I'm blessed to have an understanding mum like mine, but because I never displayed any gay caricatures, she thinks I'm just confused. She tells me to try dating girls, as if they might change me, despite the fact that I've known for pretty much my entire life. I also try to be understanding because my mum only found out a week ago (and such a mess it was, so much crying... I'm an only child), but it's hard when I'm coming to terms with how and when I'm going to come out!

I'm looking forward to more people replying to Rachel's comment, because I really am in the EXACT same situation. It's gotten to the point where my studies have dropped dramatically - when my mum found out, I was in the middle of my trials... very important exam week. I could NOT concentrate on my studies at all, it was all so hard to process, and it was confusing where to go next. My ranks for all my subjects have inevitably dropped... sigh. :icon_sad:

 

Hey Rachel and episode and everyone!

You're definately not alone at all! And I stress that. I'm 30 now and only recently told a few people that i've been with other guys, both friends and only 2 family members, my Mum included to whom i'm very close know. I still have a really difficult time saying "I'm gay" to people. I think it's in part because I express self doubt, is this really me, will i change my mind and be straight again. Sexuality isn't really a choice although my mind still thinks it is! Mostly because of societies norms and the fact I've lived my life conforming to that structure for so long. Change can be hard to come to terms with and I think with time I'll accept it with ease!

My experience has been difficult for me having led my life one way for so long. I'm a normal (and i hate using that term as normal really just implies majority consensus) guy who doesn't display the stereotypes of a gay guy. I've also been with quite a few girls, individually and in a group. I recently came out of a 6 year plus relationship with a girl over a year ago now.*

Personally I've been physically attracted to guys for a long time, although I never understood the dynamic of a relationship with another guy. This is something I'm exploring now. My one big fear was I don't want to be alone and accepting I was attracted to other guys put all these doubts into my mind. It's amazing the powers and depth of the human mind. Was my life destined to just be perpetual hook ups with no meaning?

Coming out hasn't alleviated these aspects for me, the physical side was always a huge turn on. The main part for me was the unkown of structuring a relationship with another guy and getting over the perceptions of other people. Mainly those close to me.
I have to say everyone to date has been very understanding and I haven't had an adverse reaction. Often its a case of worrying about nothing but it doesn't make it any easier.

I took time off work as well because these thoughts and fears consumed me for a while and I couldn't concentrate. With time this has gotten easier but I still have my days. So you're definately not alone and I can relate to everything said. The self doubt is such a difficult one to handle, I still experience that now. Maybe I'm not gay! But in reality I know that's not the case, it's just comforting (temporarily) to be able to relate back to the comfortable known life I had.

Looking forward it's important to view opportunity and I'm grateful I've learnt alot about myself along the way. This can only make us stronger and lets face it we can deal with any other situation that comes our way with alot more ease!

Feel free to message me if anyone wants a private chat otherwise I'm more than open to posting here!

 

Yes, you get a feeling of "the cat's out of the bag" and it won't go back in. The good news is that after a while you feel freedom like you've never felt before. It just takes time to mourn what might have been.

 

Yep. After I told my mom, for a really long time, I was constantly doubting myself...mostly because I was so unsure. Yet, I was so sure of myself at the same time. It also didn't help that my mother constantly thought I was confused or didn't believe me at all, although she surprisingly wasn't against the concept of bisexuality, she just didn't believe that it could be possible that I could even be a lesbian(I was at that time, and still am very open to the possibility of being either or, although I think most times, I lean towards females more).

But recently in the past few days, since I told a good friend of mine, I'm finding myself more and more confident. I think that's what I needed was to tell someone outside my family(I had already told a few, but this person was a local friend who knew me since early college). It's pretty normal to doubt after something that big,I'd say take it one day at a time, and be yourself

 

its totally common. i too am femme and it was hard for my mum to accept too because to her i dont look stereotypically 'gay'.

the doubts will pass in time and its common to doubt yourself after youve come out. if in the fiture though you do mee t a guy, thats fine. you dont have to come out all over again though as im sure youll be a lot older an everyone around you will be an adult and be able (i hope) to accept that youre happy whoever you end up with and thats all that matters. but dont worry about the future for now though, take it one day at a time. you like girls now so thats the label that fits you currently. just go with the flow and dont worry too much

 

I know that this is like 7 years old, but idc. I recently told my mom that I think I’m bisexual. I was crying and it was really scary. She said she would love me no matter what and this doesn’t change her view on me. But something was nagging me, I had been questioning for almost a year and now I was certain I was not straight. I then said ya know what I think I’m bi. I kept this in, I have anxiety and it was getting the best of me, my thoughts saying “ your probably just straight” “you will never know who you are” more and more of these thought buzzed around my head.

Then I told my mom as I was crying I said “I think I’m bisexual” I instantly felt weird, what was she gonna say? What if I’m lying to myself? You aren’t bi. You can’t find out at this age. I was a mess. I went to my bedroom and I told my close friend, she was very supportive as she was bisexual too. As I thought about it more I felt like I had done something wrong. Like I lied.. but I knew that was wrong, that was my anxiety, but I let it feed in. Later that night I could not sleep thinking I was wrong about what I had done, but it was weird I then felt happy, a moment of joy, I felt happy I knew who I was. Then doubt crept over me and I was back to bad thoughts. I hate anxiety, I hope I will learn to fully accept that I am bi. I just want it do get better.