Self acceptance--my journey

I am what you would call a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Also, I have suffered from major depression, social anxiety and generalized anxiety. I have been bullied and I have had family beat me over the head with a Bible and their interpretation of religion and who I am.

I suppose I sensed my differences (my gayness) and self-isolated from a very young age because I was very shy and sensitive; subsequently, I had no friends throughout school--I was too shy and tired of being bullied, so I didn't know how to relate and stopped trying. As a teenager, my bedroom was my sanctuary--I was alone and could listen to music, use my computer, read, think and dream. Also, and unfortunately, I fell victim to self denial, told myself I wasn't gay, told myself it was a phase (as if I would wake up one day and be completely different) and I even retreated into religion, by the influence of my family. I thought I would 'pray the gay away" and I cried...a lot.

Fast forward to the period of after graduation through early twenties: I fucking hated myself and wanted to fucking die. I was in such as terrible state of depression, I would cry a lot, self loathed, drank, abused prescription drugs and hoped I wouldn't wake up, because I didn't fit in. I allowed religious influence to destroy me. Harsh words from religious family members cut deep, right down to my core. The pain was never ending, it was always there. The pain was like a knife in my heart and a knife and my back and it was constantly being twisted. My brain hurt too--the depression and self hatred took a toll and I was always mentally exhausted and absolutely knew I had no bright future, despite achieving career and financial success from a relatively young age (outwardly, my life my have looked extremely well).

Now, in my mid-twenties, at the helm of my latter twenties, I can say it has been a long and extremely tumultuous life. However, I dug my feet in and became desperate and determined to be happy and not allow negative influence to determine my destiny. I am now HAPPY (Yay!). I am now a married man (I am so glad it is legal in my state and recognized by the federal government!). I have a wonderful husband who just amazes me with his love and devotion to me, even when I was unlovable. We're happy, we bought our home, sip tea, want a puppy and my sister even asked when we're having children! No, I don't have a "traditional" marriage as some like to call it, but it's pretty damn close and somehow, my orientation doesn't define me anymore, it's just one tiny aspect of me, in the distant background, and if someone wants to make that their (negative) focus, that is their problem--I treat them kindly, but do not allow them close enough into my families life...I just no longer feed into that negativity. I am happy now.

I am open about the fact that I am gay. It is merely an incidental aspect of my life, however. Perhaps it is my age, but I am content now and the worry is not present. Also, I found, since coming out to people, probably 99% of the reactions are positive. Also, I have found that people don't spew the disrespect that they may have a few years ago--even some of the "most conservative" people in my life who i have resigned myself to knowing they wouldn't accept me, have actually turned out to be some of the most loving and accepting people! It is like my orientation is no big deal, just incidental to my person-hood. I have friends now. I am confident and my life is nothing to hide...I love people and have a lot of positive qualities and attributes to offer those who take the time to be my friends and companions.

To all those on here who may need to talk, message me. I am here and none of your problems are anything to be ashamed of and I would be honored to talk with anyone struggling. I struggled and was a suicidal mess for years, to the degree that putting it in text form is difficult to express adequately. I promise you, there are people who love you and care about you, even if it is a stranger such as myself--people are not strangers in experiences, you find this out quickly when you start opening up to those with similar situations.

Nameste (*hug*)