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Secret Relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Noelinc1, Aug 18, 2013.

  1. Noelinc1

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    Not out at all
    Im 19, and i was once out as a gay guy when I was in high school, more than 5 years ago. It was hard since a lot of people were ony back because of it. I was also blocked on the work side and i never told my family. Friends only knew. So i worked my way to make people believe i changed, and i was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years and i regained the "straight" identity. When she broke up, I was secretly hooking up with guys and dated that girl.
    Now i moved to the other side of the country because i am in the military. Obviously, nobody at work know that im bi, and all my friends from back home thinks im straight. I met this guy, through a hookup website. Surprisingly, we really liked each other, and no our relation ship is not based on sex. Hes much older than me, pretends to be straight and had one bf before. Hes 28. So where still adjusting since hes learning on his side. Its working really well and eventually we both want to come out. Im leaving the military to get my carpenters licence is 2 years so i wont be able to come out workwise. Friends, no problem. Family, no problem. My bf, he is asian, so old asian parents would probably have a problem with that. Same for his brother. His friends, in my opinion they know because he always hangs out with girls, likes expensive clothing, hes a tiny bit effeminate and you know he kinda looks like hes gay. So i dont think friends would be a problem. Workwise, hes a doctor and being gay could be bad when you want to open youre own clinic.

    Afterall, i just want to know how to help him change his mind and come out to friends (only) so i can be with him and not leave when he has friends coming over, im tired of being in the dark. Its been few months and we like each other a lot. I dont want to rush him, but i want to know how to make him feel comfortable on coming out to his friends.

    Thanks
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    From my experiences, dating someone who is closeted when you're out, is very difficult. I get that his friends will probably no longer associate with him, but you gotta ask him if you're really worth it? Eventually, you're going to get tired of being a secret because it kind of does make you feel ashamed. However, you have no reason to hide who you are any more and with him not being out, it's putting you in an awkward position. I'm not going to suggest that you give him an ultimatum, but asking him to decide if his happiness is more important than his friendships.

    You shouldn't have to leave his place just because his friends are coming to visit him. I just couldn't imagine being okay with that, even though you have only been dating for a few months. Then again, you never know, his friends may be very accepting of who he is, but he will never know unless he tells them. Ask him to start giving them subtle hints or just have him introduce you as his boyfriend. That might be overwhelming, so perhaps one friend at a time?
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Aug 18, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2013
  3. Californiacoast

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    I dated a guy who was out when I wasn't. Very difficult. I came out in our relationship. He helped me. I will always love him for it.
     
  4. Noelinc1

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    I dont his friends would have a problem with it. He is just in a bad mindset and i want to help him know that his friends would most likely be happy for him then reject him.
     
  5. Adi

    Adi
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    He could open a gay-friendly clinic. From what I understand, many gays would rather go to a gay-friendly doctor (or better yet, one who is gay), than one who isn't, and might be judgemental.
     
  6. Noelinc1

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    Ya might be an idea lol, but for the moment that is not the point. I seek how to help him believe his friends will cheer our relationship than ditch him
     
  7. Noelinc1

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    How do you usually talk to somebody you wish was out ?
     
  8. frogger

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    My personal experience, I've been in a secret relationship for 3 years. And sometimes I wanna just blow up and scream to the world that I have a gf!! Its suck to feel like your walking around in the shadows, hiding from everyone. But No matter how much I wanna be completely out, I just can't do it yet. Mostly because her parents would disown her and she still needs their financial help. But also because I'm scared.
    Let him know how you feel but don't push him to much. Its just as hard on him to be a secret as it is for you.
    See if he can get a feel for what his friends think about gay people. And maybe he might find out if they are accepting. You never know. But again don't push him to hard to come out.