Although I'm out to some friends and my sister, I sometimes have this anxiety of my parents or someone else (mainly my parents) somehow finding out I'm gay in some way I didn't want them to. i.e. finding porn, articles, etc.. It's like when they come in my room, I have a fear there's some kind of evidence of my orientation lying around, waiting to be found. I know, at least my dad, wouldn't care that I'm gay. (He's the organist for a LGBT-friendly church) I'm not planning on coming out to them soon, but I would like to know if anyone else ever had this strange anxiety of coming out.
I'm very scared of being outed at the moment because I have an overly-violent homophobic friend who has the ability to ruin the life of anyone in my friendship group. If you are worried about your parents finding any "incriminating evidence" that you are gay you could just get rid of it (may not be a great option but it's there).
Oooooh yeah. I live alone and I still clear my search history daily because what if my parents come over and use my computer?! Then they'll see that I watch the l word and use this forum and did I erase those pics of Jenna Marbles from my recycling bin? Because I just think she's funny and I'd never think anything about her awesome rack... Yeah. That's what my anxiety voice says. And even though when the 'rents come over they DON'T use my computer that doesn't stop me doing it.
For me, anything LGBT related is done on: A separate browser (clearing everything later) A separate email A separate Username (ever wonder why mine is so boring?) In a separate room Extremely late hours and i always have excuses But i am afraid, but i have backup plans for my backup plans for my backup plans. It isnt healthy, but i am happy knowing i am safe. And i know that even if worse comes to worse, i will be happy because i am living the best i can under the (already) worst circumstances. After a while i find amusement in it all.
I'm extremely paranoid that My mother will find something every time she enters my room or touches my belongings. I fell asleep with my phone once, I still had a window opened to EC, and my she came to check on me. She didn't know how to turn off my phone so it wouldn't disturb me so she took it with her. As soon as I woke up i noticed that my phone was missing and tore my room apart looking for it. When I found out that she had it I almost died right then and there. Luckily she didn't snoop around on it while I was sleeping. Now I clear my history every time I pick up my phone or turn on my laptop. I also password lock everything and have it set to destroy all data should someone attempt to gain accesses to my devices. I've also replaced all the covers of my lgbt books with my Harry Potter ones and keep them at the very back of my book shelf. I would normally lock my bedroom door every time I left the house, but my mother made a copy of my key while I was at school one day. This only adds to my anxiety and paranoia as I am a very private person and the thought of someone intruding in my room makes my skin crawl.
Everyone who has ever come out has always had anxiety. I remember being in the same position as you. I got super self-conscious in everything I did. How I moved, what I said, and what I decided to watch. It was honestly pretty stressful always watching what I did. You've probably heard that coming out takes a huge relief off people, and from my experience it did. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I hope everything works out if you ever decide to come out to your parents.
