I'm such a loser

Ok, I'm sorry in advance for this thread and I'm sorry to all people on the site I've sort of become friends with.

Lately I've just been so fucked up in the head. I've been feeling quite low and I've had the feeling that everything I do and say irritates everyone around me and the same with people online too. Even when common sense says that everyone isn't annoyed with me I can't help feeling like a totally pathetic asshole. Basically, since all my friends are at uni getting on with their lives I'm just working 5 days a week and have been trying to plan my trip, which looks less and less likely with every passing day. Also a few days ago I got a message that the people my parents were adamant would love to have me stay with them don't want me for more than 10 days, when I said that's fine, they replied by telling me that it's 10 days maximum and it's not definite (as if they thought I was trying to ask to stay for longer when I wasn't), also that I should make other arrangements instead of staying with them. I know I shouldn't think like this but I get the feeling that they really don't want me staying with them.

I am also supposed to be phoning the British Embassy in Wellington about whether I should apply for a working visa but I'm just too nervous to do it. After I went to Auckland last week to talk to the people there about it they said they couldn't answer any questions about the visa and for that I have to go to Wellington. So all they did was photograph and fingerprint me. :bang:

I can't even post on the forums cause I feel like everything I write on here just makes people think I'm pathetic. I can't talk to my friends on MSN cause I feel like they're only nice to me out of pity. Bah, I don't even know why I'm writing this here. My mind is just so messed up at the moment and all I can think about is how much of a shit head I am. Sorry. Anyway it's 5:40am and I'm late for work.

:icon_sad:

 

Thanks so much to everyone. I really wasn't expecting this many responses, and being the pedantic person I am my first instinct is to reply to every one individually but that would make my post even longer than it's going to be.

First I just want to say that after I made that post I went straight out the door into the pitch black and cold to run for half an hour to work. And I suppose it's just as well cause otherwise I'd probably have deleted the topic a little while after making it. I'd actually tried starting this topic 4 or 5 times in the last few days but I kept changing my mind and just exiting the browser.

Lex, thanks for the advice but going to see a doctor is that last thing I need. If I were to go to the doctor and he said I'm depressed then I wouldn't be allowed to go to Europe and then I really would have nothing left to live for. I'm not always depressed, and usually it's not anything in particular that sets me feeling this way, I can be fine for weeks and then suddenly nothing seems to be working and I just want to fade away.

Funnily enough, I always pretend to be happy around my friends, no matter how bad I was feeling I always have a smile on my face and was making jokes. At work too, I have a reputation for always being happy, polite and impossible to anger, since I never complain. But sometimes it is just a false smile, I'll be smiling when actually in my mind I'm wishing that the roof will just crash down on top of me or I'm thinking something like 'What the fuck are you rambling about? You look and sound like such a complete buffoon, just shut up before they realise how stupid you sound'

(I'll apologise now for the excruciatingly long post)

Lately I've been thinking about when all these cycles started. And I think it was around when I was 15. When I was 14 I knew I was gay and I remember sitting in Science thinking to myself that I'd come out to everyone before my 15th birthday. When my birthday came and went I just sort of didn't bother, and although I had a crush on a guy I just sort of went on and pushed all thoughts of coming out to the back of my mind. I never tried dating a girl or anything but I was always concious of everything I did and said. In 2006 however I started to get really depressed at times. Around August I think it was, 3 teachers from my school phoned my parents to ask if everything was ok with me at home cause I'd been looking really exhausted and seemed unhappy, I was going through a rather bad patch at that time. My parents being the idiots they are assumed that it must be some illness I'd come down with, and I told them I was in perfect health but they took me to the doctor who said I was fine and then my mother forced me to have a blood test which also said I was fine. So they dropped the subject. My teachers were all telling me how I was about to fail the year if I kept going as I was.

Then, just as I started contemplating suicide, the school trip to Europe arrived (I'd been saving all the money from my job since I was 15 for the school trip cause my parents couldn't afford it). So I went on that and had a blast, it was so great. It was literally like another world, a new place that I didn't know and didn't know me. It was then that I knew I MUST travel. I didn't sleep at all on the 24 hour flight to Paris and we arrived at 6am, we had a full day and by the end of it I was still full of energy, I woke up at 6am the next day before everyone else. For most of the trip I was up at 5 or 6 am and got to sleep around 12am. I didn't sleep on the 13 and 11 hour bus trips, nor did I sleep on the flight home. Then I got back to Rotorua, after not sleeping on the 3 hour car ride back here from Auckland where I was picked up by my friend's dad cause my parents weren't home.

I got home, let myself in, dumped my stuff and then after about 3 days of really wanting to tell people about the trip I started getting really depressed. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my parents kept telling me they didn't have time to look at my photographs or talk to me about it. Although I've never had anything in common with my parents. The only family member I would ever feel comfortable talking to is my grandfather, and I think he's the only person I know who truly understands me. He's known I'm gay for years, he's the only one who knows the true reason I want to go to Europe so badly is cause I need to get away from everyone and everything here (and funnily enough he's the only one who isn't opposing my trip). I got back to school and although I was extremely depressed for a week or so after getting back, I suddenly came right for the next month or so and passed my exams when everyone had been telling me I was going to fail. I didn't pass very well, but I passed.


Anyway, so that was 2006, 2007 was total shit. I started off so happy, for no real reason, I was just extremely happy, and all through last year I seemed to swing from being very happy to extremely depressed. A few weeks before my end of year exams I thought things were going great, nobody was telling me I was going to fail this year, but in the last week of school my mood plumeted and I flunked every exam except French, which was the last exam 2 weeks after the first. So that meant that I can't go to uni cause I didn't even meet the minimum requirements, technically I'm not even literate. So now that I think about it, my school marks were extremely good when I was 13 and 14, then they began a steady slide downwards....

I've always just tried not to think about it too much but at times like this the thought of how pathetic my life is just dominates my thinking. Not only do I have terrible anxiety, I feel totally lonely, it wasn't until I signed up to EC that I began thinking about just how lonely I have been. I can't even trust my best friends to tell them when I'm feeling sad, which says a lot about me as a person. It seems like I've failed at everything I've tried to do, the Music teacher at school managed to demolish my self confidence completely, now I can't even practice playing the trumpet while someone else is in the house, let alone do a performance. My parents can't afford my music lessons with my tutor anymore anyway. I quit the 2 bands I was in because I can't bear listening to the putrid sounds I make, let alone the fact that other people can hear too.

I'm so paranoid about acting differently, if I try and act confidently I know my parents will make a big deal about it. Right now all my life consists of is waking up, sitting at my computer just wasting time until I need to leave for work. All I'm doing is working, I've been saving all my money since February 2007 and I know that if I can just get out of here to somewhere new where nobody knows me then I can start afresh. All my friends are at university now, and so this trip is the only thing I have that shows I'm not completely useless. Although with all these difficulties in organising it I think it's now painfully obvious to everyone that I really am clueless and a hopeless organiser, cause I've been saying I want to leave on the 5th of June but with all these problems coming up it probably won't be until July. :bang:

I can't help wondering whether I would still have all these mental issues if I'd just come out when I was 14 or 15 like I'd intended to.

Sorry for blurting all that out, I've actually never said all of that before. There's quite a bit more I could add but I'm already showing how much of a fruit cake I am and I doubt anyone is really wanting to read any more. I was intending to reply to what everyone said but I got a bit rambly.
Sorry, my mind is such a mess at the moment, it's late, I've had a long day and I'm getting up at 5am tomorrow so I'm going to bed now before I reread what I've written and decide I'd rather delete it all. :sleep:

 

Thanks Lex and everyone again. I've been feeling much better today. Although I feel a bit embarrassed about this now. :icon_redf

As for coping skills usually I just listen to music or watch documentaries/movies/tv, or play Doomsday or another game which I can immerse myself in. And that's about it. Sometimes I'll read history books too but I have trouble concentrating on it when I'm depressed.

Oh and I'm intending to be in Europe for 6 months to 1 year. My grandfather thinks I'll find someone over there and end up staying but I doubt it. He joined the Dutch army when he was 18 and after serving in Indonesia he flew to NZ, got my grandmother pregnant and has never left here since. :lol:

The last time I talked to him about my trip I got the impression that he doesn't ever expect to see me again once I leave, either because I won't come back or he won't be around when I do. That was why I felt I had to come out to him at least before I went.

Anyway I'm rambing again...
Usually I just wait until the depressed mood passes, cause it always does, and I'm going to try and make an effort to post more on the forum, though it still is really hard for me to do so, I'm always so paranoid about people misinterpreting my posts.

Thanks again everyone. You're all awesome!
(&&&)