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Wanting to come out to my best friend.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Knighty, Aug 22, 2013.

  1. Knighty

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    I'm wanting to come out to my best friend, who I currently share a house with- students, and I'm unsure with what to do. One thing you must know is that I'm a very closed off person and rarely talk about my emotions or feelings and telling people will be hard- I'm not saying that its easy but will just be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

    His boss is gay and he seems to be good friends with him. The one thing that puts me off is that when he's around me he does call him gay. He doesn't exactly take the Michael out of him, but it does make me wonder... Also when he sees something 'gay' he always goes "HA!!" or ewwww.

    It's just the little things that put me off. I've come close when I've been drunk -slipped up to his boss too, who I think picked up on it, but I just denied it. Sorry... I just don't want things to change, we've got plans for after uni and still got another year left.

    Any help would, well... really help me out! Thanks for your time.
     
  2. qwr42

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    Go for it, he is your best friend, so being gay shouldnt change anything!
     
  3. A Girl of Grey

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    Okay, I'm going to start off with the fact that I'm not out at all. I don't plan on coming out any time soon, but it's just me. I do know, however, that if this guy is your best friend, you should be able to tell him and have nothing change. Also, if those kinds of little things bother you, you need to talk with him about it - regardless of if you come out or not! Just tell him that you think it's not 'cool' or nice to say those kinds of things about supposedly gay stuff. Gay is not a description. Don't be afraid of having things change! Change is a sign that you're moving forward in life :slight_smile:
     
  4. ErinB

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    Okay dude, here's how it's going to happen. You're going to come out to him in whatever way you think is best. By the fact that he's okay with his boss, chances are he's going to be okay with you, because dude like everyone hates their boss. Tons of people will say stuff like eww or whatever, making a joke about stuff having not really thought about it, or thinking it wont cause offense so I wouldn't be worried that he's going to hate you and throw you in the bin. If you don't want to make a big thing of it, just wait untill next time he's talking about a girl or you're talking about people you like or something like that and just slip in that you're interested in some guy or other, maybe a celebrity (though this can backfire depending on who you pick because dude everyone, regardless of gender or sexuality has a bit of a crush on Jensen Ackles and he'll maybe think that's what you mean)

    Next, you're going to tackle that EW GROSS stuff, if it's making you uncomfortabe. Maybe not at the same time, if you don't think it's appropriate. But just be like... maybe after he's made some kind of comment, or a bit later, just be like "Dude, man, dude, okay I just wanna say like, I know you don't mean bad stuff when you say these things and it's just like, another word. I know you're not homophobic or anything but like I want to be honest with you as much as possible, and being honest it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. It's no big deal but it'd be cool if you avoided that around me a little bit"

    So then, assuming he's a good friend he'll be like "Dude, bro, man, friend, I had no idea it was making you uncomfortable, for sure I'll stop, no big deal!" though you could get the "It's just a word, get a sense of humour!" thing and then you just be like "I know, I know, I totally get that but it just wriggles my bean a little bit, that's all" and if he continues to do it, he's a terrible person and you can just go ahead and smother him in his sleep with a pilllow.
     
  5. Knighty

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    Thanks for the responses guys. Just got home.

    Just had to google who Jensen Ackles is and you're right. I knew who he was when I saw him, but never knew his name.

    The stuff he says doesnt exactly bother me, it's just it makes me wonder if he'd think differently of me after we have that dreaded conversation. I shouldn't really care because like A Girl of Grey said "Change is a sign that you're moving forward in life :slight_smile: " but I do since I -for some reason, have high values in what people for think of me. Though, I think I might have to bite the bullet on this one!

    He has a memory like a goldfish so I might end up asking him a question about how he felt when he found out his boss / friend from school turned out to be gay and see what his response is like. Then just totally deny it in the morning or just, like ErinB said, smother him with a pillow...
     
  6. DanJames

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    I'd tell him! He probably has a good idea anyway, I have a weird relationship with one of my best friends where because he's gay we got a lot closer than you ever really can with a straight guy, I was so confused until he said he was gay, I was actually quite relieved! He's quite a closed person too so watching him struggle I was so relieved that he just opened up to me in the end and very flattered he trusted me with something so big! All the best with whatever you choose to do! Good luck!
     
  7. Bryar Thorne

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    Telling my best friend of 14 years who I now room with was really the best choice I ever made. She was comfortable around the LGBT community but she was raised very catholic so I was a bit worried how she would take it. She was more than happy for me and proud to be my friend, so I was totally relieved. Being honest with someone you care about that you chose to put into your life is really the best thing you can do, and they'll likely commend and be happy you were honest with them about something so important to you. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Knighty

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    Thanks DanJames and Bryar Thorne for your replies. I'm happy to hear that you two had similar experiences- even though one was the friend. I just hope that my experience will be anywhere near yours, one day.

    Any tips on what you actually say?? Do I just blurt it out and say; IM GAY! Or beat around the bush for a bit? Some tips would be awesome with how to go about doing it :slight_smile:
     
  9. Bryar Thorne

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    Honestly, I found a moment where we were just comfortably watching a movie at their home and just hanging out. It's best to just do it when it's relaxed. That way, if they DO get uncomfortable, they always have their room to retreat to in order to give themselves time to deal with the new news or worst case scenario ask you to go home to give them time. I just suggest their house because I feel people feel most comfortable in a place they are used to. But seeing as you seem to be close, I doubt that would really be an issue. :slight_smile: I think just whenever you feel it is a comfortable time where you both seem relaxed is best.

    Best way to say it is to just be honest and tell them that you trust them and feel comfortable enough to let them know. My best friend really admired the fact that I was even able to come out to her. It's also a plus if they're your first because it shows them you trust them if you feel like you wanna let them know that.
     
    #9 Bryar Thorne, Aug 23, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2013
  10. Knighty

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    I'd give that movie thing a try but we live in the same house.. So could turn out awkward. I'm just going to have to have a bottle of vodka at hand for afterwards to take the tension away... Thanks for the advice though, really insiteful!
     
  11. DanJames

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    I'd probably take it better if I received a text or message as I could find the best words to respond with as oppose to letting any shock or anything come across! But obviously do what suits you and your situation best (negatives of a text include him maybe showing someone) Keep us all updated with how it goes :slight_smile: