I have been dating girls my entire life. Always had natural feelings for girls. And have never thought about guys in a romantic way whatsoever. But i just started a new semester of school and the other night I woke up in bed with a gay guy. I remember parts of the night, drinking, meeting this guy, drinking more, kissing, etc. but I honestly don't have any feelings for this guy or any other guys. But does having a gay guy have sex with me make me gay? I don't know what to really do next. I did the right thing and told my girlfriend I hooked up. But she doesn't know it's a guy. And she's still willing to work things out. But I feel bad acting like it was a girl. I have the guy still talking to me and I feel like it's gonna happen again. He says I'm still straight and etc, but I can't tell if he's just wanting to use me for sex cuz I'm straight now. Do gays do that? I just wanna be single and I don't wanna stop talking to this guy. Am I gay?
Chances are you're probably not. Have you had sex with your girlfriend? Have you liked it? If the answer to both those questions is "Yes", then you're not gay. Did you like having sex with the guy? If the answer to that is "yes" while the same applies to your girlfriend, then you're probably bisexual. And no, not all gay people get other straight people drunk and then have sex with them. And that's not something that only applies to gay people. It also applies to straight people. There are straight people who get the other sex drunk and have sex with them. But that doesn't apply to all straight people. Tell the other guy to back off and that you don't want to have sex with him.
Just because you have sex with guys doesnt mean you arent straight. However you are more likely to be bi or bi-cur. Was he hot? (if you find him attractive that is another sign you may not be absolutely into women) If you were gay, would you be ok with it? You probably arent, but if you keep trying to deny your sexuality, you will probably end up with more guys through denial -and it is very unhealthy.
:welcome: to EC! You can't form an honest opinion on your sexuality based on one drunken fling. Also, you seem to be thinking in black and white terms of gay versus straight. You could be bisexual as well. Is your relationship with your girlfriend satisfying? If it is satisfying and meaningful, then keep on as it is. I do think you have to let her know that it was a guy at some point. Honesty and communication is central to any relationship. If the relationship isn't satisfying, it would be best to break up with her so she can find someone who is really committed to a relationship. Also, you said you've never had a romantic attraction to men, but it isn't entirely clear from your initial post whether you have ever had a sexual attraction to another man other than this guy. You stated that you don't want to stop talking to him. That suggests there might be something more there than just a drunken fling. Again, it's hard to read too much into what you've written. If you are in college, most schools have free or reduced fee psychological services you can use to help you work through your emotions and feelings. I think it would be really helpful for you to talk with a licensed therapist. And of course always feel free to stop in here.
It's not that I find him attractive or anything. He's just been... Understanding. Would never tell anyone what happened. And I enjoy texting him ( we've been texting 3 days every 5 mins). As for my girlfriend issue, things went from bad to worse when she went through my phone and read our texts. So she's outing me to everyone, she put a screenshot on fb. So I kinda feel alone at this point. I'm not suicidal but I kinda understand why people do that sorta thing now. I really only have this guy to talk with, but he's telling me he wants to date me, and would never hookup again cuz that's not him. And I'm afraid of losing him in my life but the thought of dating a guy just seems so foreign to me. I still don't see myself as gay. I just like this one guy cuz we both understand each other. Thanks for helping me. I probably sound stupid
All it takes is this "one guy"...no need to explain it further, or attach a label to yourself. Feels weird? Only because you aren't used to it. Read my signature...
It doesn't matter if you're gay or not. Not everyone who is gay 100% gay and not everyone who is straight is 100% straight. Labels are often inaccurate, reductionist and limiting. All that matters is that you feel the way that you do about him (and that he feels the same about you). It would be a shame not to give this a shot. Don't let labels get in the way.
Many people experiment during their late teens and early 20s and college is a perfect forum for that. Sometimes this experimentation may be unwitting such as when we have too much to drink but I think even then there could be a part of us that is still aware of what we're doing and since our inhibitions are down are willing to actually go through with what we may have otherwise not done. Also, there are varying degrees of attraction. There is a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Typically both these forms of attraction are directed at one specific gender but when they are not bisexuality or at the very least bi-curiosity enters the equation. Furthermore, sexual attraction more often than not precedes romantic attraction since sexual attraction is carnal in nature and romantic stems from the heart and the head. I highly encourage you to use this time for reflection. Look within because only you hold the keys to who you are deep inside!
But then you say... There is more to attraction than just the physical. Maybe it would be useful to have a sheet of paper or notebook where you can write down the words or feelings you have when you are with him or talk to him. That might give you a better idea. Don't rely on trying to remember how you felt afterwards. Your memory is not the most reliable measure. That's unfortunate that she posted that. Have any of your friends approached you about the situation to offer support? Either way, I think it would be really good to approach your school's counseling services to help you work through this. You don't have to be to the point where you cannot function to benefit from counseling. In fact, it would be really useful to attempt to understand your feelings while they are manageable just in case they become overwhelming to the point where it affects your studies. He probably only has the best of intentions, but he also really wants to date you. His advice is probably going to be naturally skewed one direction because of this. Don't worry about labels at this point. Just work on understanding what you are feeling right now for this guy. Again, having a neutral party to discuss this with will help you. (I know! I am a broken record at this point. ) Not stupid at all. I hope you find some peace with this situation soon! We'll be here if you want to talk more.
First and foremost, you don't sound stupid at all. This is a very new situation for you and a certain amount of confusion and uncertainty is perfectly normal. It's very unfortunate what is happening with your girlfriend. I'm very sorry you're going through this (*hug*). But you're not alone. There are support resources and there's always EC. As others have said, having sex one time with a guy (particularly with alcohol involved) doesn't mean you're gay (or bi). You may very well be one of these. But it's not a given at this point by any means. And as has been said, labels aren't particularly important until/unless you're comfortable with them or want a shorthand method of describing something. As far as what you're feeling...what are you feeling? You say you aren't attracted to this guy, but at the same time you apparently enjoy his attention/companionship/conversation. And you also mentioned that you think something could happen between you again and you didn't give the impression that you were totally against the idea. Ok, the above is somewhat of a rhetorical question, since I'm pretty confident you are probably trying to figure out the answer to the same question where your feelings are concerned. It also sounds like this guy is feeling something for you as well. Whether he really knows what to make of those feelings I've no idea. Depends on what sort of person he is and you know more about him than we do. It's definitely the case that he's not going to be an unbiased adviser in this, even with the best of intentions. Speaking of questions, let me ask a few others... a) If there was no social stigma attached to two men being together (no one would care, no one would even bat an eye), how would you be feeling about the idea of being with this guy? In any sense of the word and stone cold sober? b) You mention not wanting to lose him in your life and such. Did you know him before this happened? If so, how well do you know him? Did you just meet him that night or is he more like a friend you've known for years or something else? I ask partly out of curiosity and partly because for some people it's necessary to have a very strong emotional attachment to someone before they can feel anything sexual for someone. And, based on some things I've seen here on EC, it doesn't necessarily need to be romantic feelings either (very close friendship can do it for example). If you're that sort of person (and this guy was a really good friend before this happened), that might explain why you've never felt anything for a guy before. You may have never gotten so close to a guy to generate those feelings. c)You mention that you don't see yourself as gay (and you very well may not be). But just for clarification, what do you imagine 'being gay' entails? d) Finally, in your initial post, you said you just wanted to be single and didn't want to stop talking with this guy. Not exactly a ringing declaration that you are really looking to patch things up with your girlfriend. Also (to be fair) not a ringing declaration that you want to explore anything beyond friendship with this guy. Is this just a mis-type or more of window into how you may be feeling or elements of the situation you haven't mentioned yet? Anyway, just some thoughts and questions. Hope at least some of it is somewhat helpful and if you want to talk, we're all here for you. Best, Todd
Update: the ex girlfriend is completely out of the picture. She's telling everyone I'm gay. My family now thinks I'm gay and wants to get me "help". So I've been talking to this guy more. We text all the time. He's being really helpful. And we haven't hooked up again. He did try to kiss me and I froze. I thinks he's not going to try that again until I am ready. But I am starting to realize I like him more than a friend. I just get nervous. With everyone being so judge mental it's kinda hard but at the same time I'm not going to let others stop me from doing what I want. His name is Alex. And I've known of him for awhile, seen him around through mutual friends. He's the last person I thought I'd be talking to he's over 300 lbs and does drag. He's very feminine and wears girl clothes. But there's a connection when we talk. He's been willing to stay behind closed doors. But now that my ex has been sneaking around taking pics of us alone. I kinda wanna surprise him and go to dinner together or something public to make him happy.
Awww, it's sweet things are working out between you. Don't let others ruin this. And your ex... honestly, she sounds like a psycho. Doesn't she have a life? What she's doing is called harassment.
I agree, you ex sounds absolutely evil. Clearly she doesn't give a shit about how you feel. I genuinely hope you do what makes you HAPPY. No matter what you're doing, or who you're doing it with. Maybe try explaining the situation to your family. Be honest once the time is right, because hearing stupid rumors through people is going to make them confused and hurt. No need to rush though. Best of luck
