I'm genderqueer, and a really really really gay bisexual (honestly I should probably just say gay with exceptions). Last year I was going through depression unrelated to both of these things; the only cause was reading a book that changed my outlook on life for the worst. My grades went down and I nearly killed myself. I ended up telling my mom, but she was convinced I couldn't be depressed "just because I was wired to be, or because of some book" (even though there are at least 15 cases of depression in my family, including her!) Somehow she found out I'm gay (probably overheard a conversation with a friend; we have super thin walls), and for a few months was obviously trying to get me to come out. I didn't because I wasn't ready; I was so focused on getting up the courage to tell her about my depression that I didn't even want to think about coming out. I was actually getting ready to tell her, but on our way to a psychiatry appointment, she said in a super accusatory tone, "I know about your sexuality—I've known for about a year now." Then she went on into some weird "I'm trying to be supportive but I have no idea how to voice" and said, "And I want you to know it's okay, and you need to celebrate who you are! I know you might not want to talk about it, now or ever, but I just wanted to clear the elephant in the room." I just said, "I'd be fine to talk with you later, but not now," since we were on a crowded train. Additionally, I was mad because she broke what I believe to be one of the most important rules of the queer community: don't out someone before they're ready. Obviously I couldn't expect her to know that rule, but it still hurt. I was also mad that she thought my depression was a result of my gayness (though that IS super common so it's not a bad conclusion to make), and that my real reason wasn't legitimate enough. I did say, "I'll just let you know right now, that it has nothing to do with my depression." And my mom said, "huh, it's interesting that you think you know that." That just super rubbed me the wrong way. I thought about talking to her about this, but I didn't want to make her feel bad. My mom is one of those moms who thinks everything is her fault, plus she's dealing with the emotions of sending my older brother off to college. She didn't/doesn't need more crap to deal with. This happened in June. I still haven't talked to her about it; I don't really see a point in doing so. I mean what could I say? "Mom I'm gay." She clearly already knows this. So it seems not worth doing. However! I am genderqueer, and I want a binder real bad. I also want "they/them/theirs" pronouns. Being called a girl makes me super uncomfortable. I want to tell her I'm genderqueer, but I wonder if it's too soon after the depression thing and the gay thing. I wonder if she'll connect it to my depression. I just don't want to go through all that again. I feel like I could easily send her a link to a binder asking her to "order it for cosplay," but I feel like she might not believe me, or suspect something is up; her intuition is killer. I wonder if it'd be easier to just keep on going without talking to her. Anyways, I don't even know how I would start the conversation. *I would also like to note that I understand I am super lucky to have a mom who is trying to be supportive, as opposed to one who thinks all gay people burn in hell. I know my problems aren't nearly as big as the ones others on this site have. So to summarize (sorry it's so long): Should I bring up my gayness? Should I tell her I'm genderqueer? How should I do these things? How can I convince her my depression isn't related? Thanks everyone, and sorry that was so long.
Hey Suppa Groovy. (*hug*) I just want to start off by saying, it sounds like both our mothers are cut from the same cloth. A common theme when having certain conversations with her is to suddenly realize that the entire conversation has shifted from me to saying something like, "No, no - you aren't a horrible mother!" Not only is it incredibly frustrating, but you often feel worse afterward than you did before you began. Probably the best tactic that you can use when dealing with a situation like this is to reassure her, but then in the same breath change the subject. "No, this has nothing to do with your skills as a mother, but we can talk about that later - I want to finish talking about this instead. Finishing this conversation is important to me, and I don't want to get distracted by other topics." Just remember that tactic: reassure and redirect. As to how you should move forward, that can be a difficult question to answer. A lot depends on where you are emotionally and mentally (example: are you ready to be out to anyone?), but you also have to know what you want from her. If you don't know what you want, then it's going to be hard to ask for it. My advice is this - sit down and write yourself a letter. Address the letter to your mother. You don't have to give her this letter if you don't want to, because it's mostly for you - it's designed to organize your thoughts and feelings. It will also hopefully provide you with a road map on the way forward - ideally giving you the answers to your questions. I'd start the letter by coming out formally both as gay and genderqueer. Don't spend a lot of time here, because lingering here isn't what's important. In the first part of the letter, you're just laying down the foundation for the rest of it. Once you've done that, tackle the rest of the letter in this order: 1. This is how I am feeling. People are not mind readers, and it's important to describe what you're feeling so that you're both on the same page. Writing it down is important, because it gives you time to wrap words around your emotions, which helps contextualize them, and that in turn makes it easier to know how to deal with them. 2. This is what is helpful. This is what you want to help you deal with what you're feeling, as well as the overall issue of being genderqueer and gay. One of these things as you noted would be a binder. The goal here is to discuss what is going to help you manage your feelings, and what your mother can do to help you. 3. This is what is not helpful. It's not good enough to simply outline what is helpful, you have to understand what is not helpful. A good example here is when someone refers to you using female pronouns. Think of the second part as being positive things, and the third part being negative things. Here though - you have to be careful. You don't want to write a letter that engages in blame. So, if you find yourself writing something like: "It is not helpful when you say XYZ, so don't do that anymore!" If you find yourself sounding like that you've gone off track. One of the best things you can do is avoid the use of "you" and instead pick a more generic term like "someone." (Example: "When someone says to me...") This avoids finger pointing and blaming. It is also more fair, because she doesn't know any better unless you tell her. 4. This is what support looks like. Finally, you're now going to outline what you want from her emotionally speaking over the long haul. Here you want to think in terms of social interactions with your mother and others. It can get somewhat tricky here because it's easy to confuse support and help. However, they are two different things. To draw an analogy, imagine walking into a store and asking one of the clerks there for assistance. Now, she could help you find what you're looking for, but she can do it in a manner that is offensive and bitchy. That's the difference between help and support. Your mother could give you everything that is helpful, but still be emotionally distant and unsupportive. This is where you say, "I want you to be happy for me, and I want you to support my efforts." In short, this is about emotions and social interactions. Now, this letter is probably going to take you more than a few hours to write. That's okay. It may take days or even weeks. You may write some of it and decide to go back and change some stuff after thinking about it more. That's okay, too. In fact, that's a good thing. Remember the goal isn't necessarily to give her the letter, but to instead organize your thoughts and feelings. When you've outlined things the way I set them out above, you're going to know what you want from her, and most importantly - you'll be able to tell her when you're ready. Whether you're ready now or will be ready ten years from now. Once you're able to understand what you want, you can then more easily picture how to get it - not only from your mother, but from everyone else around you as well. Hopefully this is helpful to you. (*hug*)
