Hi - Not sure if I am doing this right, but I stumbled upon this forum while searching for answers. Some information on me. I am female, 31 and have known myself to be bisexual since my first experiences as a youth, with both genders. I am attracted to both and really do not even see gender when getting to know someone... whatever they happen to be, they happen to be. I never "came out" as bisexual, as that wasn't something people did around here. Anyway, I married at 19 to a man and have been married 11.5 years. We have three children two daughters and a son (who is 8 and openly gay to us). I didn't marry "straight" because it was easier, I really fell head over heels in love with this man. My husband does know that I am attracted to females, he knows that I have fantasies with females and he knows that I would not act on them any longer, as I have committed myself to him. But he knows that I do indulge in those fantasies on my own, if you understand what I am saying. My question is this: being married straight would coming out as bisexual cause more problems than good? I know for a fact, if I were to say I was bisexual to my parents they'd die on the spot and I would be shunned. I know my friends would be supportive and my husband would say "told ya so". I feel like I am living a lie by not being honest. When I go to Prides and Pride Family Festivals my eldest daughter asks me why I care so much about being supportive of it. Now, I can say it's because of her brother, but he's not open to his siblings...just myself and his Dad. I can say it's because I love all people and support all love.... but,I really would love to have the guts to look at her and say "I am bisexual", but how do I even approach that? How do I gather enough courage to say who I am when I have lived under the safe umbrella of "assumed straightness" for 31 years. I am so emotionally torn on what to do. Maybe someone has had a similar situation out there? Thanks in advance for your help!
All I can think, in terms of telling your daughter, is why not? You and your husband are obviously open and accepting and I can only assume that you want to raise her to be the same, so why not share that with her? If you are not ashamed or embarassed, if it's a part of who you are, and she's asking? Obviously there's no need to go into too much detail or talk to a child about your fantasy life (kids really don't want to think about their parents as sexual creatures), but if you assure her that this aspect of yourself does nothing to jeopardize your loving, committed relationship with your husband, that her family unit is and will remain just as she's always known it to be, then where's the downside?
No fantasies would be discussed... we have boundaries in our family We are pretty open, but not that open. With that said, I guess my biggest fear is bringing out the hate from my Dad... and my children seeing it. If I tell my daughter openly, my Dad will soon know. If not from me, from her. I don't want them to see their Papa as a bigot...even though he has strong held beliefs that any sexuality that is not heterosexuality is wrong, sinful and leads you to burn in hell. It's his upbringing that he can't shake. He is the last person I have suggested my son come out to when he's ready to do so outside of our houses walls and I am having the hardest time. Thank you for your response.
You need to come out to your parents sooner or later. You're married and independent right now, what are you waiting for? If they do not accept you for you, they do not LOVE you. It's hard, and it's sad that some people have a problem with it, but how can you continue living with people who would want nothing to do with you if they knew who you are? Are you planning to stay in the closet to your parents your entire life? Is this the example you want to set for your kid? How do you even know they will shun you? Some parents, despite being homophobic and not accepting your sexuality would not stop loving you. If they love you enough they will bring themselves to live with it. My advice: Come out to your parents, but don't tell your daughter her brother is gay. Let him do it when he's ready. All you need to do now is raise her as an open-minded individual. Imagine how much your son will be able to relate to you once you come out.
I think if you feel it's right then you should come out. Don't rush it though, only when you're ready.
One of the worst things you can do for your kids is to not challenge bigotry and hate when they witness it, especially if it happens in their own home, and MOST especially if the subject is one that is even indirectly related to them. You would be doing them a terrible disservice - especially your son - you're modeling behaviour that tells him he needs to hide who he is. Is that the message you want him to internalize? You can always explain to them the bit about about your dad's upbringing and the fact that even so, it doesn't make it right or okay. That said, honestly, what would your father have to rail against? You may have this facet to your nature, but you are living in a committed, long-term, heterosexual marriage. You might want to point out that little fact when you tell him. Even the most devout bigots can be pacified as long as a person's homosexuality is not indulged.
I would never, ever out my son to anyone. I guess I kind of am on here, but my identity is pretty safe. That is his journey. What scares me the most is a comment my Dad said about my brother, who is straight. I don't remember what the context of it was, but I remember my Dad saying "if you were gay, I'd slap the gay right out of you". In the same breath I say that about my Dad, I will say he's not a bad person... just a very misguided person raised in a very, very strict household, in a very religious household, in the time period that he did... I know I need to at some point. I know I'd have an easier time with my Mom than my Dad. My Mom is more open-minded in some aspects, though she doesn't agree with gay marriage, but I think that has more to do with misinformation than hate. I really do appreciate all of the advice. You think it would be easier the older you get, but it just seems so much harder now.
