I need to get my little story out + advice needed

Hi I'm new to this forum, and tend to post replies rather than start posts. I also have no idea where this post is best to go, so if it's in the wrong place, it's cool to move it

I've know that I'm gay for a long time. Since I was 6 or 7 at least. Not that I understood it back then. I didn't think anything of my feelings. It was just normal to me. my family are pretty homophobic, particularly my dad's side of the family. Does anyone know of or remember the 2 lesbian duo, T.A.T.U? Well, I remember them being on top of the pops (LOL. Those were the days), and the background bit being 2 women doing couple like stuff, andI said to my dad that I liked their music.
Dad: They're lesbians
me: What's that?
Dad: 2 women that kiss each other
me: Oh, okay, mum kisses auntie sharon
Dad: No, like on the lips, it's not normal
Me: Oh. Why not?
Dad: It's just not
Me: I don't understand
Dad: you will when you're older

My lovely introduction to homosexuality. Lovely.
I still didn't understand. I'd have been approx 8 years old.
Fast forward a few years, my female friends started being interested in boys. I never was. I just never seemed to see what they see. Yep, I can appreciate a good looking man, but that's as far as it goes. I'd have girl crushes, but I never understood.

When I started secondary school, aged 11, I was friends with a horrible group of girls. They emotionally bullied me for the whole of year 7, and used to shout that I was a lesbian. It really upset me, and from then on, I vowed to shove everything back and be like everyone else. I vehemently denied being gay, and pretended to like guys.

For years I pretended to be 'normal' as I classed it.

I'm not anti male. I've had a couple of man crushes. 2, to be precise Legolas from Lord of the Rings when I was 12 (Cringeeee. To be fair, he is quite androgynous in the films) and my current little man crush is Russell Howard.

Over my teenage years, I was very angry and depressed, was on anti depressants aged 15, and was a regular self harmer, would drink alcohol at like 10am, turn up for school after drinking vodka shots, not turn up for school at all, walk out of school half way through the day, argue and shout at teachers, made my mum's life hell, and was a right horrible little shit.

Now I think of it, I'm pretty sure my anger and self hatred came from repressing myself, and not being the person I actually am.

Aged 16, I got a boyfriend. I soon got pregnant, and gave birth to my gorgeous son, Connor, when I was 18. I had a dodgy relationship with my boyfriend, breaking up shortly before Connor was born. There was a lot of violence from him, and I;ve only in the last year or so managed to get free of him and his control.

I've turned my life around, and I'm at uni studying to be a nurse

Over the past year or so, hiding my sexuality has been getting so hard. Impossible. A year ago I 'knew' I was gay. New years eve 2012, I decided 2013 would be the year I dealt with it.

I was still very uncomfortable about my sexuality then. My biggest issues were a) how it would affect my son and b) how it would affect my career. For some reason I worried that no one would want a gay nurse.

January 2013, I went to this youth group thing to talk about it with someone. It was awful. I know the 'text book' answers. This wasn't what I needed. I came out feeling lonely, and deflated. I kind of accepted that I would never live as a gay woman, I'd be better off pretending to be straight. Instead, I focused on bringing my son up openly about stuff like that, I even took him along to pride (He's 2 and looks awesome in rainbows).

End of January, I started my first placement as a student nurse. And, I was assigned a male mentor, who turned out to be gay! (Not that I realised at first, I didn't think he was straight, I just didn;t think of it at all, he was just my mentor. I wasn't surprised at all when my friend said that she asked him if he was gay and he said yes). He gave me hope, unknowingly to him.

Over my time on that ward, I became best friends with a guy. At the end of the placement, I told him and his girlfriend that I'm gay. They were so supportive, I love them to bits.

I then emailed my mentor telling him, and basically saying I need positive gay support, and I don't know any other gay people. He's been amazinG.This is the guy who has no duty to help me anymore as it'snot a nursing issue and I've left the ward so I'm no longer his student. But he really has been amazing, I love him to bits.

So that's where we are now. I small hand ful of people know. I'm coming out in little ways. I have a rainbow badge on my bag, and a rainbow sticker on my laptop. I put a picture of a rainbow on instragram and hashtagged it #thisisme #hereiam. No one has worked anything out yet, but that's fine at the moment.

I'm just stuck where to go next. I guess I need to get 'out there'. I want people to know, but I don't want it to be a big deal, I just want to be okay. I used to think I'd never be able to tell my friends, but I'm starting to feel I'm okay with my oldest friends knowing. I think I;m going to tell them soon. I worry about my uni friends, as I;ve only known them a year.

My biggest fear is my family. My dad is homophobic, but I think he'll be okay. I think he knew about a girl i had a crush on when I was 13. He should be okay. my brother won;t care less, which is cool.

My mum... She's the hardest. She thinks everything I do is to hurt her and upset her. We're not close at all. She'll think it's a phase, and that I'm doing it to upset her. There will be a lot of tears and anger and phone calls.

We went on holiday last week with her and her partners family. The girls shared a tent, and there were a lot of comments of 'Ooo we're all safe, non of us are lesbians' and stuff like that. Eurgh. There were a lot of conversations about homosexuality. It feels like to them, lesbian translates as = a girl who likes all girls sexually, regardless of age, looks, whether theyre a family member, friend, etc, and who will literally jump on any woman. Eurgh eurgh eurgh eurgh. Thinking positively, it would be an end to any more shitty camping trips. Maybe I'd get my own tent if I did go. Awesome.

Anyway, this has gone on loads. Well done and thanks for reading. I just don't know where to go next. I'm a bit stuck.

Things are going okay. I'm accepting my sexuality. I call myself a gay woman as I'm not keen personally on the word 'lesbian'. There are some days when I think 'Shit, I'm gay and I;m really not okay with that'. But they're getting less and less. I feel positive about it more and more. most of the time, it's just 'okay'. But that's better than negative

Sorry, this post has been very me, me, me.