Alright guys here it is. Bottom line is I have been alone for several years, my confidence and self esteem are at an all time low. I know that I am gay, and you guys on here know.. Other than that I may have told about 3 other people in my entire life. I can't seem to find any outlets here in the small town that I live in. So I first knew when I was quite young actually, I have said 14 before, but now that i think about it I was interested in boys as early as age 8 or so.. Anyways, I didn't act on it. When I was about 15, I had a major crush on a boy in high school, once again I didn't do anything about it because of fear. I can still remember the dreams. All of my sexual dreams as a teenage and even now have all been about men. As time went on I always had a best friend.. For privacy sake I will use only their first initials.. First there was K, K and I hung out for about 3 years. I was very much attracted to him, however he was not gay at all, I never told him how I felt, although I wanted to so bad. I had two relationships in high school with girls. I had sex with a woman when I was 16- it was not good. I started using drugs for the first time. I continued to attempt sex with my girlfriend, I could but it was kinda gross. Then I joined the army, I hung out with M and T. Both of which were very good friends, once again no disclosure just secret dreams. The army was interesting.. I was afraid of the showers, afraid that I would get an erection while showering with everyone, I never did, but I sure enjoyed the view on more than one occasion.. Once again fear kept me at bay. I did find a couple of guys on the internet. My first gay experience was wonderful, but I was overcome with guilt and never called him back. 3 times while I was in the army I met internet dates.. 2 were great, 1 was not good, I wish I would have followed through then. After my army days, I started using drugs on a regular basis, this was tough, Drugs helped to suppress the sexual feelings that I had.. I attempted sex with woman on a couple of occasions. Then I met S. One day S asked if I was gay, I said "no", he said "good, I don't want to hang out with a gay guy." I was once again deeply attracted, so I just kinda hung out and dreamed somemore. Soon I got sick of doing drugs, and quit "YEAH". Then I decided to refuse to be gay, and got married to one of my girlfriends from highschool. Sex was difficult, it was a chore, I had to do it because I was married. She would always complain because I didn't seem interested. I suppose it was unfair of me.. Anyways as time went on we had a child.. My wife started using drugs... So we ended up divorced and I have custody of my child. This was 4 years ago.. Now here I am 4 years alone, looking to explore my sexuality, and find the right person.. I am alone.. I haven't felt an intimate touch in about 4 years.. It is quite depressing.. I would like feedback. If anyone is interested in emailing back and forth, I would very much enjoy that.. I am gay, it will be okay..... TYVM
i dont know what to say nothing seems good enough but i wanted to give you feedback because you deserve it... so yea... lol
...and to think of how I!! sit and whine to my friends! Online or long-distance relationships (they are different from one another!) don't work. Breakups are difficult. Find someone in person and start with holding hands. I feel foolish giving you this advice--I haven't been through half of what you have, and it's all literally from a minor's point of view. I hope you do find a nice man sometime. Soon. And that he'll be local and faithful.
I wish I could find someone I could just become great friends with....but that never seems to happen.... Will1975...I hope things get better for you...depression isnt fun (at all!...i know). And supressing feelings isnt good either. So once again, I hope this site is a good outlet to get out how you feel...
Hi Will, You have an awesome story to tell and there are a lot of valuable lessons in what you've experienced. I can't say that I've touched all of the same bases but there are some common factors, the military, lack of affection, late coming out, just to name a few. In one year I have turned so many things around that I can't believe it myself . So there is a brighter day ahead if you help it along and find a friend so you can build up your self confidence. Part of your answer might be in that first paragraph. Small towns are not exactly the place to make a radical new start or find the support you need. Is moving an option? Good luck and glad you made it this far. (*hug*)
Thank you Lorenz.. Moving is not an option at this point... However I know in the future it may be.. I am working things out slowly but surely... Thanks too all of you who responded to my thread... TYVM Lorenz.. I love the quote on your signature..
Hi Will, your welcome to use it for yourself. I'm editing mine today, a quote from a great movie I saw over the weekend, FAQ,s
Things are going well today. I took a step in finding support. I contacted a local GSA group with a local college.. It was email.. but it was a big step.. I sent them an email telling them that I was gay and felt isolated.. i will follow up... Thanks again for the support I get here.. i'll keep you all posted..
ALl the problems you have right now are rooted from the sole and solitary fact that you denied who you are. Just like any disease and sickness, the longer you keep it untreat, the difficult it will eb to treat. I don't know how old you are., but you must accept who you are. You must nto deny it. It is absolutely OK to be something outside of heterosexual. DO NOT deny it. Find and meet guys, you can't supress who you are no matter what, because that is who you are not your personality.
Spoke with a lady from local college.. I am supposed to go and meet with them on wednesday.. NERVOUS.... What to do??? Help... I am second guessing myself now. It's like now that there is something tangebile, I am saying "Maybe not." Oh my goodness.. Well that is where we are today..
Still working on it.. Things are progessing I suppose.. I am waiting for an email from a student at the college.. All is OKAY for today..:icon_wink
Another depressing weekend... Never heard back from the GSA at the college.. Still very much isolated and lonely... Thanks too any of you whom I have actually talked with so far.. I appreciate it.. Ya know... I just don't have it in me to talk to people... I am destined to wait I suppose.. I am so afraid of talking to others.. Anyways.. I am not sure what I am saying here... I don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I really really don't feel like I am getting anywhere... If you all got any ideas send them my way.. PLEASE??? :confused2: WILL:confused2:
I'd say send them another email and ask if they still have your details. (One small step in taking charge of your own destiny )
Hi Will. I'm glad you have taken the steps that you have. I'm going through a difficult time now as well - and know that talking about things is a huge help. Feel free to send me a private message on here. I'm in the process of separating from my wife of 9 years, and we have two little girls. Not a fun time, and I'm just starting into that period of time where I'm not sure how or when I'll meet someone to have a meaningful relationship. That's really scary for me, but I have to believe that things will work out for me. Good luck. Jim
