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I might be ready to come out to someone. I'm not sure.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Alex K, Aug 26, 2013.

  1. Alex K

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    This is my very first post and I have a couple different things I'd like to get advice on but I think this is what has been on my mind the most. So over the summer I have come to realize that I'm gay. I never had much denial when I figured it out but there was the phase of whether or not I was actually gay; just the internal identity question. I've been open minded about it and I feel okay about it too. The part I'm not fine with is all the anxiety and loneliness that comes with it when you are in the closet. There would be nights that all I could think about was having someone who is in the closet like me there to comfort me so I wasn't alone. There is an openly gay guy at my school but he isn't in my friend group and I don't think we have similar interests. It's hard to find someone in the same boat as you who has similar likes. For me that idea is just a fantasy and I feel like a realistic alternative is to come out to someone.

    There have been a couple people I've thought of; close friends who I see at school every day. But the person that I've considered the most is one of my friends that's a girl. She's friends with the gay guy I mentioned earlier and I think she would be the most understanding and supportive. We did hang out once or twice in the summer when she was free and I do see her at school but I don't hang out with her often; different friend groups. At the moment, the only person I was to tell is her and not anyone else for a long time. I don't want to tell a close guy friend just because he may find it awkward if we are in the same fitness class (open room showers). And that's one reason I don't want to come out to more people. I'm fine showering around other guys; I don't get excited or anything but to someone else they may feel weird; even if I think they shouldn't feel that way. And out of the few people I considered, I trust her the most about keeping it a secret. I feel that if I tell someone in my group they may tell someone else in the group or something and I don't want more people knowing. Should I come out to her now?

    When I'm feeling really good I feel like I don't need to tell anyone but at night especially, since I'm not distracted by things going on throughout the day, the thought of telling someone race through my brain. I think about telling people most days. Like as soon as I see someone, including my parents, a little scenario pops into my head where at the present moment I tell them I'm gay and that's that. There is no one else at the moment that I want to tell other than her. Am I truly ready if after I tell her I don't want to tell anyone else?

    I want to tell her because I'm tired of keeping all of it in my head. But at times I don't (although I think this is just me being anxious). Having all these thoughts kept inside gets really depressing and lonely to the point that I don't want to see or talk to anyone. If I tell her, I can be open to someone about what I'm feeling but I don't think those feelings will go away; maybe a little. I need some advice about whether or not I should tell her and any other advice you could give about the chronic feelings of depression and loneliness.
     
  2. monotone

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    Going by what you've said, I think you should come out to her. She's clearly comfortable with gay people and it'd be great for you to have someone to talk to about this, as it would help with the loneliness. Also, I don't think it matters that she's the only person you feel ready to come out to.

    How do you think your parents view LGBT people?

    As for the depression part, do you have health insurance? If you aren't comfortable with telling your parents about your feelings, you could see a therapist or school counselor in secret first, but paying for that might be difficult. That's what I did with regard to my anxiety, for whatever it's worth.
     
  3. kresukun

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    I was more or less in a similar position to you about 2 weeks ago and yes it was the hardest thing in my life because there was no one I can confide in. I think what mainly wanted me to open up was the fact that I felt really lonely being alone.

    But the first step I took was getting on EC, the community is great and I was able to break the chains of my homosexuality and talk who I was on the inside for once in my life and it was and still is great to do that everyday.

    In answer to your question, I would tell your friend as long as you trust her. I hope she will understand your situation and you'll feel better for it. It won't be easy, not yet, but you will know when the right time is. Whatever you decide to do we are all here with you, even if it is just to listen.
     
  4. memyself

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    I think telling your friend (the one that's a girl with the other gay friend) is a good idea. Of course, only do it if you're ready, but if you are ready, she sounds like a good option. If you tell her, you'll probably realize that coming out is not as hard as you thought. Just make sure you make it clear to her that you want to be the one to come out to everyone else and you'd prefer her to not tell anyone. There is the risk of her gossiping it to someone else.

    It sounds like you have a good handle on things though. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Do be careful about the parents though. You can always make new friends if they're stupid homophobes, but you're stuck with your parents. My mom reacted very negatively when I came out to her and it was really hard, but over time she grew to accept and understand it and now shes very supportive to me and we have a good relationship.

    ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2013 at 03:47 PM ----------

    oh and as far as how to tell her, I would just ask her in the hallways at school or message her on fb or something "hey I have this thing that want to talk to someone about and you seem like someone who would understand. do you think we could hang out sometime after school, maybe get lunch or something, and I could just vent my feelings to you? it's not about you or anything, I just need someone to talk to." or something like that. And since she has a gay friend, I'm sure she'll see it coming. Or you can tell her online. I did that with my cousin and it went great.
     
  5. Alex K

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    I know that my parents have no strong negative feelings for LGBT people. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to bring a friend over who is gay, they would have no problem with it at all. I think that's the best way to describe their feelings. Although, because my parents aren't normally around LGBT people, having me tell them I'm gay would start off as a shock and possibly have some sort of grief or something after. I know that when people are around different types of people they have more of an understanding towards them and seeing as my parents don't have many interactions with LGBT people, they may not know how to react or feel about where I'm coming from. I'd like to see them accept this change right away but I know that it will be something they would have to get used to just as when I figured out I was gay that I'd have to get used to the idea myself.

    I started feeling depressed during the last month of school. I wasn't to do with my sexuality as much but more to do with the overwhelming stress of school work, tests, and the fact that I felt that I didn't want to be around my friends at all. I'd purposefully avoid them and listen to music in the library at lunch time so I didn't have to be around them. There is no one in the guidance office that I'd feel comfortable talking to and I think the only possible way I'd get these feelings out (if I feel like I need to) would be with the girl I may want to come out to. I have good days and bad nights; when I go back to school I hope that with having sorted out most of my feelings over the summer and starting fresh that I don't have the urge to avoid people and to try and act normal again; even if normal me for everyone else is 'straight me.' I do let some of my feelings out and what not so I'm not keeping all of it inside all the time but I can't be completely transparent.