1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Really struggling with being honest about myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by prive, Aug 27, 2013.

  1. prive

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi

    I would really appreciate some help and advice. So let me start by saying thank you for reading my post, and thank you in advance to all who take time out to reply.

    I'm 40 years old, live in the UK, and have known and accepted that I'm gay for quite some time now. Yet it is only recently that I've had my first gay experience - a relationship that lasted for a few months, but ended because I discovered that my boyfriend had been seeing someone else. During the break-up "talk", he told me that the reason he cheated on me was because he couldn't deal with the secrecy of our relationship, and that he felt that until I came out to people (my friends first, my family later), that I wouldn't be in a position to fully commit to him.

    And in that sense I suppose that he's right. I couldn't be totally honest about my sexuality to all the people that matter to me. All my friends, my family (parents and one sister). I did recently get in contact with a friend on facebook (who lives on the other side of the world, and told her about my relationship, and she was incredibly supporting and understanding, and it felt incredibly liberating being able to finally talk to someone who I knew and respected. She told me to tell another mutual friend of ours (who lives in the UK, but in a different part of the country), which I did, and she too was incredibly supportive. So to be fair to myself, I did start to make inroads into coming out. And I told my ex-bf about that, but he said it wasn't enough. Since our relationship ended, I've not told anyone else. All my other friends, and my family, don't even know of his existence.

    I really want to come out. To be honest and to be happy. But I just can't. Something is stopping me - the fear of not being accepted, the fear of losing friends, losing family. Also, the fear that everyone's view of me will change, even if they are accepting. It scares the hell out of me that people who I have known for so long, and my family for all of my life, will never look at me the same way again.

    I think what makes it harder is my age. Becoming set in a facade - and one that, despite not being the truth, people do seem to like about me. This is tearing me up inside and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get across the barrier that I'm imposing upon myself. I don't know whether I'll ever hear the words "I'm gay" come out of my mouth in the presence of another person (the two friends I told, where told in pm on facebook, not face to face).

    How do I deal with this? I want to be honest, I want to be open, I want to be out, but I just don't know how I'm ever going to be able to find the courage to tell everyone that I am gay. I know my father wouldn't accept it. I suspect my mother would accept me, and I am sure that my sister would accept me. I know certain friends would be ok with it, and I realise that others may not be and thus I'll lose their friendship. But even in respect of the people who I really do believe would accept me, it isn't enough to give me the courage to tell them.

    I never married, nor do I have children. I have had girlfriends in the past but as far as everyone else is concerned, I have been single now for almost 7 years. I often wonder if, should I tell people, that they may not be that surprised. When I was at school, I was teased and bullied and called gay by many other school kids (at the time I didn't even think that I was gay, so obviously denied it vigourously). Even though I realised I was gay in my late teens/early twenties, I never accepted it. It's only over the past few years (since I split with my last (and final) girlfriend, that I did truly accept that I was gay. I am obviously happy that I've accepted it, and genuinely I am happy that I am gay.

    Sorry for the length of my post. Once again though, any help and advice would help me so much. Thank you.
     
  2. BiDad3

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2013
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Cape Town
    Welcome Prive!
    This post was a great first step and even though it is mostly anonymous it took real guts to post, so well done!
    My advice is to start by telling one person face to face. Someone close to you ( like your sister) and then see how you feel. I predict you will feel amazing! I know it will undoubtedly be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but you need to start being yourself. This is YOUR life. LIVE IT!
    Wishing you all the best. :slight_smile:
     
  3. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC, Prive!

    It's sad that you lost a BF for being in the closet (BFs don't grow on trees!). This has to stop.

    First off, examine your fears carefully, be very precise about what is holding you back. For example, you're afraid people will see/treat you differently...so what? Is that not what you're deeply hoping for? You will be different, not worse!

    Second, sometimes the hardest part is uttering the words, so practice! Look at yourself in the mirror, pretend it's someone else and say the words: "I'm gay", and practice yet again.

    Third, start with your sister, you know she will accept you, so do it! You will need an ally and sisters often make great allies (I've got three of them, I know of what I speak) for when you will tell the others.

    You no doubt have great qualities and an orientation that you are sure of. All these qualities, all the good stuff about you will never shine without that one ingredient that validates and makes real all the others: COURAGE!

    You can do it; you need to do it; your happiness for the rest of your life depends on it!
     
  4. Remie

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I am in the process of coming out myself and I don't see myself having my first gay relationship before I am fully out , I need to be 100% committed to someone and dating a guy while being in the closet would give him the feeling that he his a dirty secret...with that said , I think he should have had a long talk with you before going out with someone else , its not a valid excuse so don't blame yourself. Start things fresh come out to your family then find someone.I wish you good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    This is a problem I have suffered with also in my 40s.
    I was even guarded about my body language when out in public with my "bf"
    It is all about fear.
    I have NOT conquered it but understanding the issue is the first step.
    The next step is tackling it one person at a time - as people have said.
    Best wishes for success
     
  6. ilovebears

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2013
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    OR
    You have every right to be frightened. Even myself, a very open person, has difficulty sometimes with this topic... Maybe you just gotta find a time to force yourself to say it, even if your voice is shaking... Force yourself to start a conversation where the other person has to do most of the work. You will feel so great when it happens...
     
  7. prive

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for your replies guys. I took up greatwhale's advice and practiced uttering the words in front of a mirror. It's sounds weird, but even though I was only saying in front of myself, just saying the words out loud felt really liberating.

    This week I went for a haircut, got chatting with the hairdresser, as you do, and decided to tell her. She was really supportive, and while she is essentially a stranger -- someone who has no prior preconception of me (which made talking about it all the more easier), the fact that I was able to be completely honest and talk about it openly gave me more confidence. She's only the second person I've told face-to-face (the first being my ex-boyfriend (who knew anyway because we met through an online dating website)). I guess what this means is that the cat is slowly coming out of the bag. Telling two friends on facebook, talking to the hairdresser, having a profile on a dating website (although I am annonymous on there), and of course posting on this website (which is again annonymous), is a start I suppose. The next step - the one that scares me the most, and is the reason for me creating this thread, is to tell my close friends and family. In this sense, I think telling my sister first is the best way to go.

    It's such a big hurdle for me to get over, which makes me feel completely conflicted. It felt easy to utter the words and be honest to a stranger (my hairdresser), so why does it feel so hard for me to be honest to someone who is really close to me? I am trying so hard to rationalise that, and the only conclusion I can come to is the idea of being rejected. It's one thing to be rejected by a stranger (which wouldn't matter and/or change my life in any way), another completely to be rejected by someone who I am very close to. Yet deep down I don't think my sister would reject me (she is very liberal and has close friends who are gay themselves). So if that's the only reason - fear of rejection, and the chances are very high that my fear is misguided, so why is it still holding me back? That's the part that I'm struggling to comprehend the most.
     
  8. InLove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Sussex, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Aah, this is exactly my problem! I thought maybe it was just me being silly, but that's exactly it! I'm so afraid of peoples' views of me changing. Even if they are accepting, even if they don't seem to care at all, it changes my external identity. I live in a big gossipy network of people and I just can't face everyone finding out through the grapevine and changing their view of me. I may lose some, and the ones I don't will relate to me differently.

    I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, being in a very similar same situation myself, I just wanted to say thank you for making me feel more normal with my worries, and that you're definitely not alone! (*hug*)
     
  9. biggayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,082
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    Dear prive, Be easy with yourself. Coming out is a process. It takes time. I think you've made some wonderful first steps! No, people will not see you the same. Much of that is their own problem. You are the same person. You just know yourself better now.
     
  10. pippi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2013
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    I have that problem too. Afraid of rejection and abandonment, that people I love and that matter to me will just walk away. I am out to only a few, but I was grateful and shocked that the ones I came out too, stayed in my life! And accepted me for being who I am. That is a freeing feeling, because I have a right to happiness, and so do you! It's hard I know, but its worth it to start coming out to more and more people, so that you can gain the happiness that you so deserve. The same happiness that we all want for everyone. It is hard though and very scary. Just know that you will probably find that more people are supportive of you than not. And also, remember you have support here! Best of luck to you!
     
  11. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You may find that accepting yourself completely is the biggest hurdle. The more comfortable you become with the fact that you're gay, the less the opinions of others are to make you feel paralyzed. Eventually you will become secure with who you are that you can take a look at the people around you and realize that if they really, truly care about you, it's not going to matter to them. And if some people get freaked out or upset by it, then did they really care about YOU, or their own IMAGE of what you are or should be to them? You may be very, very surprised by the reactions you get. I expected my teenage daughter to be OK with it, and she was, but my wife's general acceptance shocked me and made me realize how much trouble my "deep, dark secret" has caused between us over the years. You may lose a few friends, but it's very possible that being more open and honest about being gay will lead to BETTER friendships, because you're not holding back.
     
  12. InLove

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2013
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Sussex, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    I was watching some Gok Wan show and he said something similar to this about when he came out and it startled me because I'd never considered it before. As he said those words I suddenly realised that I hadn't accepted myself at all, and that was where all my troubles with admitting it to other people were coming from.

    I'm still not there, but now that I'm aware of this issue I'm working on it constantly and feeling stronger and braver in myself as I do so.
     
  13. LesbianGirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Female
    It is difficult for everyone, so don't worry. And that man is either very stupid for breaking things off with a wonderful person like you or cares about you so much he wants to show you off to the world that your his. I think you'll know when you're ready to come out to who. And if you're having second thoughts when doing so, think about how it felt when you said it to your friends. Yes, it's really scary. But your family will love and respect you for who you are.
     
  14. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    :wow: look at you, sounds like little choirboy is all grown up! I do believe, sir, that you have arrived! I am so impressed and inspired and jealous. I aspire to this level of assuredness and self-satisfaction, some day.

    Thanks for providing an awesome role model.
     
  15. EscapeArtist

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2013
    Messages:
    93
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    I used to think this was a common challenge for everyone in out community but I am finding that is not always the case. Some people just don't have the same hurdles as others. Some families are perfectly open and obvious and all-loving. Some people realize and are comfortable with their sexuality from childhood while others spend their whole lives in the closet. I think its important to meet your own needs, no matter what they might be. For me personally, I repressed myself to the point of engaging in a heterosexual relationship that resulted in the birth of the son and ultimately, more pain than I could have ever anticipated. On the flip side of that, however, is my son-who I'm convinced taught me the very notion of love.

    Being that you are middle aged, I can see why it would make sense to stay set in your ways. However, you deserve an honest and open life and the fact that your friend's and family have made you feel that revealing your true colors isn't an option is heartbreaking. At some point, my own wellness trumped the judgment of others. Also, I think its important to give your support system some credit. I was pleasantly surprised by most with exception given to my mother.

    Finally, this is something that is so easy to build up in your mind. Running in circles, round and round, with practiced conversations and predicted reactions. I think you will find, much like I did, that while the writhing can be agonizing, the liberation offers an insurmountable happiness. There is much liberation to have in the truth. The friend's that leave your side were not worth keeping in the first place. I find trial is an excellent way to call forth true friends from the wood-work. Be strong!
     
    #15 EscapeArtist, Sep 7, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2013
  16. prive

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2013
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you again for your replies. I have to say, two comments really stood out among the many encouraging and supportive comments that everyone has provided in this thread.

    Firstly, LesbianGirl - your comment "And that man is either very stupid for breaking things off with a wonderful person like you or cares about you so much he wants to show you off to the world that your his"

    That really struck a chord with me. Made me look at the reasons my boyfriend broke up with me. It's a comment that makes me feel sad and yet proud at the same time. It's also a comment that makes me face up to a possible/probable reality - my own fears about how others judge me may stop me from being happy, and be with someone who makes me happy.

    Which leads me onto the second comment that really struck a chord. EscapeArtist - you wrote "my own wellness trumped the judgement of others". Wow - you are so right. You know, this comment of yours - I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to borrow it, for it's a comment that speaks to me on so many levels. It is perhaps the best comeback to use towards those who show any negativity towards me when I come out to them. But then it's also more than just a comeback. It's the truth. All I want is to be happy, and all I strive for is for the people closest to me to accept me and, even if they don't like it, at the very least understand that I have to do what is right for me. What makes me happy.