Hi, I've never formally "come out" before. In fact just rolling those words around in my head makes me feel sick... as though I'm betraying everyone I know, but I've hit a wall in my (albeit short) emotionally suppressed 20 years of life. I'm currently a minimum wage employee in the retail business, and while I'm surrounded by a handfuls of openly gay/gay friendly co-workers, I find myself trapped in my sexuality. I was always raised quiet religiously, but I've mainly found the most important and godly teachings to be those of acceptance, forgiveness, and inclusion; and while I've done very well at applying these towards others, I can not bring myself to apply them to my own sexuality. I find myself fighting with what I call my "gay me" because everything I want to be exists in a world where I'm straight. For me coming out and accepting that I'm gay means destroying my family ties, the loss of a place to live, and alienating all my friends. Sometimes I just want an out, like to get really rich and run off to the other side of the world and start over as the person I'm really supposed to be. But that means sacrificing my relationships and I've never been very good at letting go of friends, especially now that I'm finding out more and more that people I thought of as friends really don't see me the same way. I'm constantly finding out one of my friends is throwing a party or some sort of get together from somebody who got invited. Often times that somebody is someone I considered to be under me in the "friend totem pole." So in conclusion I feel really lonely all the time, I'm working really hard to better my future with little traction, and am ultimately feeling hollow all the time. Why does being gay in these modern times feel like more of a trap than ever?
I completely understand as I too work in the retail industry and know of one gay guy at who who's in a relationship already. Everyone else, as far as I know, is straight. My parents are also extremely religious, but at the end of the day you have two choices: 1) To live as a lie to keep others happy 2) To be completely honest with yourself, your feeling, emotions etc and live the rest of your life as a gay man. I think the more you come to terms with your sexuality, you'll realise that there's nothing wrong with being gay, it's not a choice, and those friends and family who do end up sticking around are really the ones who are real friends and family.
I can definitely relate to your story. I'd lived a straight life for 23 years before I came out less than a year ago. Just saying the sentence "I am gay" in my head was hard enough. I couldn't even think about telling anyone...but it does get better, even if you think it won't. I was in a really bad place, and pretty depressed a year before I told anyone. It took a bad day of failing a test, realizing I had to drop a class and getting a boot on my car (whole other story) to finally break down to my brother over the phone and tell him. I understand it seems like the worst thing in the world, and you don't want to be gay, but neither did I. You have to accept yourself for who you are, and love yourself before you can really tell all your friends and family. One day I realized that I deserve to be happy, and it wasn't my fault I was born this way...that day I realized I would eventually tell someone and it just took a meltdown one night to actually do it. I was lucky that my parents are supportive, I hate that not everyone has that. Good luck, and no matter what, keep your head up.
I thank you guys for sharing your stories and your opinions it does help to realize I'm not alone on this, though I think it will take many more years before I can actually go through with telling anyone. My situation is a complicated one that has a very long story to match but basically it leaves me in the scenario I'm in now where I don't have much contact with my recovering drug addict father. I live with my step-father and my half sister. My mother is now separated from my step-father but hes a reasonable guy and doesn't project his issues with my mom on me. Neither of them is anti-gay except when it comes to me unfortunately. My mom once browsed my history and found gay porn and was immediately furious. I managed to weasel my way out of it with the excuse that my anti-virus expired and i was getting gay porn pop ups but her reaction has terrified me ever since. My step-dad finding out would mean I'd be out of a place to live. My grandparents and my aunts and uncles on my dads devoutly religious side wouldn't take me. The same could be said for my mothers southern raised side of the family. So until I can support myself I can't afford anyone to know... which hurts but its better than living on the streets.
