Hi everyone. I am working on coming out to family and colleagues but out to most friends (I'm fortunate that I could trust that my friends would be supportive although most are seemingly straight) My biggest issue right now is dealing with my guilt of leaving my ex. I left him at the worst time - we were planning to get married, had already secured a venue and sent out invitations but it was giving me panic attacks on a daily basis. The catalyst to me leaving him (because I was lacking any self-awareness obviously), was falling for a close girl friend of mine. Anyway, I miss him so much as a friend but he is so broken from me leaving him that I feel like the only thing I can do is leave him alone indefinitely. Plus, our last conversations have just been him hurling accusations at me, telling me what a horrible, deceitful and selfish person I am. I don't really know what I am (in terms of sexual orientation category) but I left him first and foremost because it felt so wrong to be with him. Falling for my friend felt like seeing clearly for the first time that what I had with him wasn't love, or at least hadn't been for a while. I spent a lot of time fixated on whether what we had was real at some point, whether I was attracted to him or whether I just internalized the need to be in a straight relationship for so long that I stopped thinking about what I wanted or figuring out what my desires were. Until recently I felt pretty confident saying I was bi but my guilt messes with my head. I keep thinking - is he right? Did I use him/'con" him? I mean, when he accuses me of that he is more addressing other issues in our relationship - I was/am a workaholic, always involved in a million things, etc. But even that I don't know about. Did I throw myself at these things in part because I couldn't be fulfilled in my relationship? A lot of that can happen regardless of my sexual orientation. People grow apart, etc. It's just that my sense of sexual identity messes so much with my memories and intellectual/emotional/physical inclinations that I just don't know how to separate these things. I am in a smaller town than I am used to - a place that I had originally planned to be with my ex and trying the long-distance thing with this girl (friend I fell for). I know I made the right decision but I'm finding it hard to be strong and I find myself having these almost phantom movements/instincts to text/call/email him . . . but obviously I don't get him as a friend. But I wish I could forgive myself for hurting him so much. Anyway, I guess I'm repeating myself at this point. Anyone gone through something similar? I just don't know how to deal with it. Any time anything goes wrong, it feels like the universe is punishing me for doing this . . .
Hey there DreamerInDenial, That's a really tough situation you're in but . . . . BUT, ultimately you've probably made the right decision despite how terrible you feel right now. Had you gone through with that wedding you'd be married to him. For how bad the panic attacks felt before they would have no doubt felt many times worse after that ring was placed on your finger. Ultimately I think they best thing you could do now is to work on loving and forgiving yourself and wish nothing but love and happiness for him. I also think that you're liberating yourself by coming out and breaking off the engagement. As you said in your post that your confusion over your sexual identity has clouded your memories of the past and your ability to see them clearly. I know I can relate and just about any one of us who have held up a straight facade. What you need to is as often as you start feeling bad about the past please recenter yourself, take a few deep breaths in fully feeling the in and out breath and let the guilt and fear go. Again, love and forgive yourself and have nothing but love and peaceful wishes for your ex. I am struggling with the same thing right now. There is a girl in my life who I do love very deeply and believe at times there is and has been something real there. You no doubt did have moments where something real existed. Please balance that though with the feelings of guilt and frustration that have plagued you throughout this time. Guilt for leading him on (even if you didn't realize what you were doing at the time) and frustration coming from a deep down innate desire for something else . . . something more. Life is not easy. It's especially not easy when we have in inner civil war going which passively and at times actively erodes our natural state of peace and well being. There is only one sure fire way to restore that natural state and that is with the truth. It will set you free in every way and it will set those free which we have inadvertently snagged with our confusion. Please, love yourself and know that there is much love here for you!
I can relate to the straight façade thing. I was engaged to a bi' woman for three years. Believing that being bi' gave me cover for being around gay people while allowing me to have an opposite sex romance. Even after we broke up I called myself bi'. It's only been a very short time (days) that I came out here as gay. I was in love with being engaged and all the attention it brought. Can you relate to any of that?
