My twisted dilemma...

Hi there,

I would super-advise against marrying someone you're not all that attracted to. While I think there's some truth in the notion that sex becomes less important for some couples as they age, to me marriage is about a partnership of mind, body, and soul, not just mind and soul. I guess you may feel differently about marriage but at the very least if you're going to marry someone, you should definitely hash that kind of thing out because she may have vastly different expectations.

Anyway, all that is quite separate from your feelings for the guy in question. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're bi... no one else can really tell you that. You need to figure that out on your own but really, it's not so much finding a label that's important; it's figuring out how you feel.

Now if you were single, I would say "go experiment" as that would be the easiest way to get an idea of what's going on. However, you're not so you definitely are facing a dilemma. Some people can figure themselves out without practical experience and some people need "concrete" proof. Only you really know which category you fall into there.

You might want to see if you can find a close, non-judgmental friend you can talk to about your feelings. Often just voicing what's going on inside can help you sort it out. And of course, you can elaborate on what you've mentioned here. I think for most people, telling stories about our lives is how we sort through stuff. So, for instance, how do you know the guys you've been attracted to? How did you first notice you were attracted to them? How did realising you were attracted to them make you feel? What do you feel about gay people? How do you think most people in your life would react if you let them know about your attraction to these guys?

I know that's a lot of questions to throw at you but I think you'll probably benefit from a starting point.

Keep us posted!

 

Well... four years? that seems a lot. It might be hard, but I think you should really analyze your feelings for your girlfriend and find out if you really love her or if you are just dependant on the relationship.

Also, having a close friend to talk all this throguh might be of great help. We are here to help you, and we love to do so... but as I recently found out, having someone to talk face to face is irreplaceable.

Marriage? can't talk about it. I think the whole concept of marriage is wrong, but still that's not for me to judge.

 

Dont be discouraged or upset if you dont get any replies immediately. The active community on these boards is still quite small and not everyone visits everyday.

As for your situation with your friend, I think joeyconnick nailed it when he said that you really need to discover your sexuality before making any decisions.

My next piece of advice is one which i don't think you'll like, but I'll say it anyway. Like both joey and goratrix said, confiding in a friend can be a great help. If you are contemplating marriage with your girlfriend, surely you would be able to discuss anything with her? I realise that striking up a conversation with her about your sexuality isnt going to be the easiest thing to do, however you two are a couple and in a sense are in this together. If you are gay then it also affects her, and as you've been going out with her for 4 years I assume you two are very close.

I know your girlfriend is probably the last person in the world right now who you want to tell, but I think if you work through it together it will make it a lot easier on you. Plus, if you do eventually discover that you are gay, then it will make the whole situation between you and her easier, and theres a greater chance the friendship will survive.

If you do decide not to tell her (which is of course your decision), then I strongly recommend that you don't enter a marriage while having feelings for other guys. Make sure you sort out your sexuality before hand, otherwise you can hurt a lot of people.

Remember that if you need to talk or vent your emotions or confusion, that's what the forums are for - Good luck and if there's anything else we can help with, you need only ask.

Dave

 

First off... hey, I made a super-long reply to you initially! Do you really want to encourage me to write more? I might send you a book or something. *grin*

Yeah, it's not really the same. Not that being interested in someone else when you're in a relationship isn't a big deal but it doesn't really address the whole gay/bi/queer aspect.

Show choir? That sounds fun. As for it being a stereotypically gay thing, well... don't be mad. I mean, stereotypes develop for a reason, usually, and some gay people are always going to fit some of the stereotypes, just like some non-gay people will and get grief for it.

That's cool that you guys could joke about it. Of course, maybe there were gay guys in your show choir and you just didn't know about it.

Well, uh... how do you know he's straight. If you have a girlfriend of four years and you're having feelings for guys, nothing is terribly certain that way.

I have to say if you want to kiss him, which is essentially a romantic thing and not as sexual, say, as wanting to suck him off, that sounds like same-sex feelings to me. I mean, it doesn't mean you don't have feelings for your girlfriend--maybe you're bi--but it doesn't sound so much like it's just that you want to get your rocks off with a guy.

If you reveal your feelings by just out of the blue kissing him, though, it's quite possible it'll go badly whether he's straight or gay or bi or whatever, just because that's a pretty intimate thing to do with someone who is just a friend. Maybe you could talk to him about your feelings for guys without mentioning that you have a big crush on him? Many, many guys fall for their good guy friends--it's pretty much traditional. The standard advice is that if you are going to reveal your non-straight feelings, it's better to start off by just revealing them in general, rather than jumping right on the "I love you/I want to kiss you" bandwagon. If the guy is straight, his reaction to being hit on by you might bleed into his reaction to you having told him about your feelings for guys. You have to give him some time to process the information before you bombshell him with how much you dream about his lips. *grin*

If you feel so bottled up, I would advise telling the most trustworthy friend you can and just see how that goes. Risk is scary but feeling bottled up is unhealthy.

Let us know how it goes!

 

Like I said, I'd start with just telling him the general stuff. It wouldn't surprise me if he has an inkling of what's going on--it sounds like you mighta been broadcasting. And by that I don't mean being obviously gay, I just mean sending out signals with comments like "there's stuff you'll never know" and obsessing about kissing him. *grin*

 

Jordano,

:smilewave

I too had a girlfriend for four years before I 'realized" the truth and began to become who I am.

When you are feeling like your flirting with others isn't all for play, and that maybe they might even be interested, this may be the beginning of your gardar developing.... or maybe not. :icon_bigg

I'd suggest joining the local pflag group as a beginning, or perhaps your school has a gay-straight group or similar. Listening to others experiences is a big help toward not feeling alone, and gaining insights into ourselves.... Really, it helps.... :icon_bigg

This journey of self discovery is slow, and anything is possible. Please just take a deep breath and keep on communicating. It will become easier as time goes on, and in a while it may even be great!

Good luck :icon_bigg

 

Oh my gosh are you kidding? Fucking screw the other party, dude! You have the chance to be alone with him with alcohol involved?! :eek: Most porn films are way less sexy than that! Heck most SEX is less sexy than that!

You're not going to see him over the summer? That sucks.

But yeah, not overdoing the drinking is probably a really good idea. I mean, you'll probably be nervous but just try to limit it--you don't want to pass out (or him to pass out) before you get to talk about important stuff.

And if what you have to talk about is going to scare him away, it won't matter when you tell him. As long as you keep your cool about it (as in try not to blurt out, "I love you, man!" *grin*) I'm sure it'll go okay. There is no time like the present, especially if you're not going to see him for months afterwards.

 

I wouldn't mix coming out with alcohol. Still, if you two'll get a chance of being alone... It would be a great time for telling him. Assuming you DO want to tell him.

If you are not going to see him over the summer, then most likely you'll end up with a LOT of 'what if' in your head, and you won't enjoy your summer very much.

So... i would go for it.

 

good luck, my thoughts are with you... let us know how it goes.

 

About being drunk, well, this is weird talking about this, but over thanksgiving I was with my dad and my brother in england, and they both like to go to bars. So of course they helped me get into bars (im underage, even in england) and we drank quite a bit. now, as far as i can remember, I was hitting on girls the whole time, but i dont remember any guys that remotely interested me, plus i wasn't even very accepting about being gay at the time. So, as far as i can remember i was very straight acting, but then again, i cant remember most of the night (i think i turned red just typing this) and i dont know what i did for the most part once we left the bar, and we were walking around for a couple of hours. and as a closing point, my dad and brother never asked me about anything, so i dont think i made any allusions to being attracted to guys.
Anyways, with that little anicdote out of the way, if you are both drunk, i think that there is the possibility that he may think that you are joking, and the purpose of telling him could be ruined.
now, this kind of shows that my advise isnt worth much except fuel for thought, but the one time i've told a friend, he was sleeping over, and we had planned on drinking. I'm not sure if i had ever mentioned that in my post telling the story. I had wanted to tell him that night, but i never did. lucky for me, he ended up staying another night. that next night i ended up telling him. after the fact, i think the 2nd night thing turned out best, because it kind of showed that we can have a good time, sober or not, and that it doesnt make me any different that im bi.

Looking back, i think that telling a person after having a good time is the best plan, but i dont want you to just take this story as pure advise, because this is the only way ive told a friend. i guess this is more food for thought.

 

Do NOT let him invite other people. It's as simple as that.