1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Any advice is appreciated!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ted38, Aug 29, 2013.

  1. Ted38

    Ted38 Guest

    Hello all. I'm a newcomer to this forum and am in desperate need of some advice. This may be longwinded but I feel that the full story is necessary so you can understand how complicated my problem is. So here goes. I'm a married man (second marriage) and am seriously questioning if I'm really gay or not. I realize people ask for advice on this subject all the time but I feel like my situation may be more complicated than others.

    I'll start when I was young. When I was a teenager I never really questioned my sexuality much at all. Then when I turned eighteen I ha a roommate that was gay and I stumbled across one of his porno magazines and wow. I never felt such strong feelings in my life. I was so excited but felt that it was so wrong to feel those feelings and buried deep inside. I was ashamed and I didn't want anyone to know. I still continued to date women. When I turned 21, I decided to experiment with another guy to find out what was up. (Since the feelings were still there) I went to a gay bar to dance with some friends and met a guy. He was great. We met up a few times there and then started to see each other outside of the club. We were very sexual and couldn't keep our hands off each other. This went on for months in secret. After 6 months or so, I broke it off. He said I was afraid of who I was but of I disagreed and said the lifestyle wasn't for me.

    I went back to dating women again. I was always able to perform okay sexually with women. (Though not as well as with him) A few years later I got married and had 2 children. In the first few years things seemed okay and I didn't think about being with a guy much. That changed quickly after the birth of my first child. I started looking at gay porn online. It started innocently enough but after a short time I began to look at it constantly. Fantasizing every day about being with a man. Our sex life was nonexistent for many years. But I was looking at porn every day. Our marriage went down hill and after years of therapy we both decided to call it quits on good terms.

    I was divorced for 6 months when I reunited with a girlfriend from high school. We instantly fell in love and she moved in within months. There were many difficulties to over come. I had the kids once a week, very stressful to a new partner. She couldn't find work in our area and that added to the stress. But we pushed forward. We got married 6 months later. Things got insanely stressful from there. Between my ex, kids, work, etc. we were at each constantly. Our sex life had not been the best from the beginning. I had difficulty staying aroused and found that I needed to be really kinky to get anything going. I wanted her to control me constantly and if she didn't , I couldn't perform. When things got really rocky, I started to only think of men 24/7. One day I was looking around on Craigslist and saw a lot of ads for men seeking men. At first I just thought they were hot and would scroll through them imagining myself meeting up with them. These fantasies were all I started to think about. Then, out of nowhere, I decided to respond to one. Then another. Next thing you know I'm meeting up with these men sexually. After a few times I decided to stop. The guilt from cheating was absolutely unbearable. My wife had never done anything to deserve this. But yet I couldn't stop thinking about all of these men and their needs.

    After a few months she went to check her email on my phone. I had forgotten to log out of my account ( I had made a fake account to meet men with) and saw everything. Of course she immediately lost it. She said she was leaving me. That I was worthless, etc. I true to explain but there was no explaining. I had been so blinded by my need to be with a man that I knowingly put her life at risk. I spent weeks trying to convince here that I would change and go to therapy. That I truly loved her and would do anything to stop from losing her. For a few months things were great, i had absolutely no thoughts of men and my attention was 100% on her. Then with works stress and other outside stressors, I began to become distant again. A few weeks ago, I had a dream about being with men again. It was incredibly hot and now it's all I can think of. She is threatening to leave me because she thinks I'm gay. I do love her very much and can't imagine my life without her in it. What do you think? (I'm sure there are some things I missed so feel free to ask deepening questions if necessary) Thanks for any advice.
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What part of the things you said makes you think you might NOT be gay?
     
  3. BiDad3

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2013
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Cape Town
    Hi Ted38.
    Welcome and thanks for sharing! There are many of us on the site who are / were married and each of us has had a unique journey so far (mine is really just starting). I'm sure many of the others will be able to help you out with some honest and constructive advise.
    What I can advise is to be honest with yourself first and then take it from there. Obviously your wife will be the next person you need to be honest with after that. At times you are going to feel completely out of control, but that is completely normal and perhaps necessary. This was the first step in admitting that you are NOT straight. Even though you don't know 100% whether you are gay or bi, at least you know you are right at home here in the LGBT community.
    Once again - Welcome!
     
  4. Adi

    Adi
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2013
    Messages:
    691
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Romania
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So, your first marriage goes sour because you couldn't stop thinking about and desiring men, and within a year after your divorce you decide that the best course of action is to marry another woman?! As ElliaOtaku said, what exactly makes you think you are not gay? Go reread your post, you've already said it all. Start being honest with yourself and do what you were suppose to do in the first place.
     
  5. Bryar Thorne

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    in california with my toes in the sand
    It might help your situation to take a walk or to go somewhere calm and peaceful and just sit down and think about you for a while with the rest of the world somewhere else for a bit. That way you can think about how you really feel about yourself and what you think is right for you. Sometimes it can be good to distance yourself from the world your life revolves around to take some me time. Normally I would suggest to take a small vacation for yourself to get away for maybe a weekend but considering how your wife is feeling right now, I think maybe a nice walk would be good. Maybe more than one! Whatever feels right for you and gives you the time to think about it the most easily. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Ted38

    Ted38 Guest

    Thank you so much for your honest responses. I did reread my post Adi and you're absolutely right. It's very clear. I never dealt with my true feelings prior to getting involved with my 2nd wife. I continued to hide from the truth because I was scared of it.

    I also wanted to say thank you for being so welcoming. This is a scary time for me. I feel very unhinged. Thanks for the support!
     
  7. Bryar Thorne

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    in california with my toes in the sand
    Yay! Good for you. :slight_smile: Just know that we're all here for you if you ever need support. It's a very vulnerable feeling but you will be so much happier I assure you. :slight_smile: Best of luck to you, it may be a rough course ahead but I'm sure you will be happy if you do what you feel is right.
     
  8. Ted38

    Ted38 Guest


    Thanks SO much for saying this! It means a lot to me.!
     
  9. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah, another vote for "gay". Or at least "pretty heavily onto the gay side of bisexual". As pointed out, there's literally nothing in your post that seems to contradict that. So welcome to EC, and welcome to the team. :slight_smile:

    Lex