Hello, I am a 100% closeted husband in my late 30s with 4 young kids, I've been married for over ten years and have been attracted to males since I was 14. I am attracted to females to a lesser degree, but would have dated males if I was born later in our more gay friendly culture. Although I crave being intimate with guys, I don't necessarily want to leave my wife to start a relationship with one. I feel though that it's unfair to my wife, friends and other gay people to continue to live in the closet, and so I want to tell my wife the truth. Should I tell my wife and if so when and how in a way that would be best for her and my kids? And would telling her necessarily end our marriage? I respect my wife and we've been friends for over 20 years. However, our kids have jaded our relationship to the point where we don't have sex and we openly express our wish to be separated if not for the kids. Maybe our marriage will have better days or maybe we will split. Thank you.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. This is an area I don't usually get into, but I'm going to try to answer because you're really between a rock and a hard place, and there's kids involved. I think that being openly bisexual wouldn't necessarily end the marriage, as long as you wanted to make an effort to continue the marriage and make it work. Like this: "Honey, there's something I want to tell you because I love you and want to be honest with you. I'm bisexual. I'm telling you this because I think honesty is going to help the situation, and I want to put forth the effort to make this marriage work. I think we should go to couples therapy/marriage counseling because I love you. Now if you just told her "I'm into guys" and left it at that, that may go in a different direction. Constructive criticism here, NEVER blame the kids. It's not their fault, it's the effect that parenthood had on the marriage. If you give the kids that impression, that they're the only reason mom and dad are getting a divorce (for argument's sake in this case), they're going to grow up with that and carry around a very unnecessary feeling of guilt.
Thank you for your advice AwesomeGaytheist. And thank you for the constructive criticism; I was not aware how much I am "blaming" the kids. I need to rethink my attitude towards them. Marriage counseling seems like a good path, and she's suggested it, but I avoided it because I thought it would be pointless if the counselor doesn't have the full picture. However, if I come-out then counseling would be productive.
Don't use "the full picture" as an excuse not to go. Making sure the counselor is aware of the full picture is the responsibility of you and your wife. Make sure that you and your wife tell the counselor the whole story and don't leave out any details, no matter how embarassing.
fourkidhusband, First, welcome to EC. I hope that you can find some of the answers that you are looking for! If you haven't already, you might want to check out the "Later in Life" section. There are several individuals there who are in very similar situations, myself included. You may find some of our stories to be of value to your present situation.
