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I'm ashamed...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mtrigue, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. mtrigue

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    Hey I'm writing for advice because I feel kinda stuck right now. I'm 23 and ashamed to still be in the closet. I think I've gotten to the point where I understand myself and am very happy to be gay, but I'm embarassed to be so old and still in the closet. I guess the reason it took me so long to come to terms with it all was the fact that I was raised Catholic (they should warn you about the dangers of religion). I've made out with girls, haven't done much else and have never been with a guy, so I'm very scared of trying anything. What really bothers me is that I've lost so much time being confused with myself and now everyone's going to know about it and think I'm an idiot for lying to myself for so long (I'm not sure i'm explaining that correctly).

    I live in a college dorm with a few guys who are 18 and 19 and already out and I'm so jealous because they're having such a good time. I'm sad that I've wasted my college years in the closet and only when I'm about to graduate am I really being true to myself. I guess I just had to give it time, and I know I'm not that old, but I'm still scared of telling them because I feel uncomfortable being older than them and so behind at the same time. One of them has actually come on to me various times when he's drunk(even though he thinks I'm straight) and I always reject him because I feel so awkward and inadequate being so old and inexperienced.

    It's all so frustrating because I just want everyone to know already, I just wish it would've happened a lot earlier. A few of my friends already know and they're cool. My mom knows and she's very supportive; I never told her, but somehow she's always known. I guess my main problem is that I am now so comfortable being gay, that I feel stupid having waited so long to come out of the closet, so now I'm sad and ashamed of having lost so much time. I guess I feel like a coward for waiting so long and I don't want to admit it to others.

    I'm glad I got to write my thoughts, it's helped me clear my head. Please send your advice and thanks!
     
  2. Will1975

    Will1975 Guest

    Well now.. I am 31 y/o and still not out.... So I'm thinking that 23 isn't that old... Ya know we all have a process that we need to go through.. Your story does not sound too far off from others that I have read on EC.. So with that Welcome to EC.. You will find lots of support here.. Don't beat yourself up.. You have plenty of time to enjoy life...
     
  3. tired_of_lying411

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    Okay, to start this off, I feel like I'm reading my own post, had my coming out process started 5 years later. So that's awesome.

    I totally get where you're coming from with everything you said. It's honestly like trying to tell myself that everything is fine... which may not go smoothly, so here goes nothing.

    I think you explained it perfectly :thumbsup:
    And I doubt anyone will think you're an idiot. Seriously. They'll have SO much else going through their head when you tell them, "idiot" will probably be the furthest thing from their minds. And I bet most people spend far less time thinking about our orientations than we do.... (I'm helping myself here. I really want to believe that this is true. And I think it is... anyone with more experience on the matter?)

    I actually feel/felt that I was wasting my high school years, leaving my date for telling everyone to after graduation. But if theres one thing I am certain about after all my ups and downs, it's that we can never blame ourselves for any part of this. It's a really big deal, and we're going to have to go places and do things that maybe aren't the most fun, but it all just has to happen. I just try to focus on the good things that can still happen. Thoughts of how good things will be keep me going.

    Oh I so get what you mean. Coward is a word I've used to describe myself a LOT here. I feel the same exact way about waiting so long. For me, it's mostly that I assume they have already guessed and now there's all this tension about me officially saying it. I fear the "well, duh!" reaction the most. Turns out my dad surprised me in that regard. So my best advice is to not over-think it... (easier said than done, I know) But the more we obsess about it, the worse things get. Our perspective becomes so different from everyone else's that predicting their reactions becomes futile.
    Anyway... I guess I'm severely under qualified, being in an almost identical position, but hey, I couldn't ignore a thread so relevant to my own life.


    Brenton

    [edit]
    OH MY!!! this is your first post! Welcome! It's always great to see new members starting here at EC. Hope it serves you as well as it is me!
     
  4. Nick8875

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    Your never to old to come out of the closet. I've learned from many friends it takes all kinds and all ages..Friend of mine is going through it in his mid 40s. finally owning up he recentally divorced his wife and supports his kids from afar now.
    Its all in how you look at it. Dont think your too old though..jus do wuts right for you.
     
  5. Yeah, ditto what everyone else said. Don't beat yourself up, man. Take whatever time you need, and try not to worry about what everyone is thinking (or what you're afraid they're thinking).

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  6. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Ha! If religions came with warning labels i'd be alot less screwed up but eh, it's a small-minded world ain't it.

    I call it the rainbow-center-of-the-universe complex...meh, the name needs work but basically. Whenever a minority discovers that it is in fact a minority it immediately assumes the majority is aware (and intensely interested) in the very inner sactum of that person.

    Tweaking the definition with the "gay factor" means that we think everyone's only form of entertainment and sole purpose in life is to figure us out for fags and dykes (forgive the language it is used to create an effect) when in reality, not many people care. They have lives beyond trying to dischyper our every move and word.
     
  7. nisomer

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    hey man, I wouldn't worry about telling your gay friends. They know how it feels, and they understand that it takes more time for others. I think they will give you the ultimate support.
     
  8. LorenzG1950

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    Hey Mtrigue,

    Don't feel bad about not being out at 23. I went through the same guilt trips about being an idiot for soooooooooooooooooooooo long. I too was raised so Catholic that gaydom didn't even enter in the realm of possibilities:eek: .

    Now I've been out for about a year and I am so happy(!) . I've encountered nothing but support and positive feedback. People are not telling me I'm stupid for my very late discovery, they are so happy for me that I made the discovery at all. I've been glowing ever since, and it shows.

    Fact is that you can't come out comfortably until you are happy with yourself and that can come at different times for different people. :slight_smile: (*hug*)
     
  9. mtrigue

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    Thanks for all the comments and support. Tired of lying, you pretty much described exactly what I'm feeling. I also dread the "well duh" reaction more than anything, though in reality it wouldn't be a bad reaction to receive seeing as it implies acceptance and understanding. Lorenz, I guess you're right about coming out at your own time. It took me a while to be comfortable with myself and that's just that. I think I'm just feeling old in general since I'm about to graduate college and I'm 5 years older than some of the people I live with. On the other hand, it's still embarassing to be a 23 year old virgin. I'm scared because I really want to start going out with guys, but have no clue how to go about it. I have no picking-up-guy skills and I'm going to have to find someone who can be patient with my inexperience. I went to a gay bar with some friends last week and felt completely incompetent. Hopefully it'll become more natural with time. Anyways, thanks for the comments, it's really helpful to know I'm not the only one going through this.