Okay guys heres a thread I felt the need to post I found a good web site that focuses on the fact that Violence occurs in relationships between two women at a similar rate to relationships between women and men. This is something I think every Lesbian woman and Gay man at that should know so here you are and BTW I took several passages from the website which will let you know the URL of at the end. The violence in lesbian relationships can be physical, sexual, psychological, economic or spiritual. Many women say that the psychological/emotional abuse is the worst because it can creep up slowly, be hard to recognise (even difficult for ourselves to see what is going on), and is often accepted as what usually goes on in a lesbian relationship. For lesbians, there are patterns of power and control in an abusive relationship, and these can be made worse by the hatred and fear of homosexuality that is expressed by others and even internalised by lesbians themselves. On top of that, our society is organised around the idea that being heterosexual is the only normal and natural way to be (this is called "heterosexism"). Psychological violence is when they: • Play mind games • Threaten you • Smash up your belongings • Hurt your pets • Do stuff that frightens you • Stalk or follow you • Don't let you make any decisions • Stop you from seeing your friends and whanau/family • Don't let you go out alone • Deny the abuse “It wasn't much. Just one punch” • Drive fast to make you feel really scared • Criticise or make fun of you ethnicity or culture • Call you racist names • Get out a gun or knife • Go crazy with jealousy • Hit you then apologise and cry • Keep you up all night while they rave on and tell you off • Lie • Swear and put you down “You're fat/ugly/lazy/stupid/mad” • Humiliate you in front of your friends “You're a ho/bitch/slut” • Threaten to tell the authorities “If you leave i'll report you to social welfare” • Keep tabs on you wherever you go • Make you feel guilty “It will be your fault if I kill myself” • Blame you “You made me do it. If you'd just made the tea then it wouldn't have happened.” • Bash you then blame something else “I didn't mean to do it, I just had a bad day at work” • Make sure you know they're the boss – you have to do everything just like they want it • Tell you what to wear, how you should do your hair and makeup • Let the children see or hear violence. Psychological violence: • Attacks your emotions and personality, rather than your body. • Makes you feel like you're going mad, makes your frightened, or you feel like it's all your fault. • Is the most common form of violence experienced by women and children we see at women's refuge. • Is the worst kind of violence, according to women who use refuge services. • Is not recognised by many people because it is subtle, hidden, and manipulative. Physical violence is: • Punching • Bashing • Choking • Slapping • Pinching • Kicking • Hitting you with anything • Biting • Burning you with a cigarette • Throwing things • Strangling • Pushing • Pulling your hair • Spitting or pissing on you • Tying you up • Holding you down • Locking you in a cupboard • Using a knife, gun, belt, or any other kind of weapon. Sexual violence Sexual assaults and abuse include: • When an adult says sexual things, touches in a sexual way, or has any sexual contact with a child under 16 • Rape • Forcing you to have sex • Making you feel guilty if you say no to sex • When you give in to sex to put them in a better mood or to avoid a hiding • When you have sex so they will stop pestering you • Making you do sexual things that hurt, make you feel ashamed, or bad • Sexual harassment • Unwanted sexual touching • Forcing you to watch pornography • When they keep having affairs and you don't like it • Not using contraception when you ask them to • Forcing you to get pregnant • Not being allowed to take the pill • Forcing you to have an abortion, or not letting you have one. Economic violence Financial or economic abuse involves: • Stealing your money and belongings • Controlling the money so you don't have a say • Giving you an “allowance” that doesn't cover the bills while they spend all the money on themselves • Checking all your receipts and the mileage on the car • Keeping your money card and bank book • Refusing to pay child support, or be named as the father • Using your name for loans, credit cards, WINZ grants so that you get the debt • Forcing you to sign a ‘prenuptial agreement' • Forcing you to work • Forcing you to sell drugs, or steal • Making you go on the benefit illegally • Not letting you go out to work or study • Not letting you have your name on the house and other property. Financial abuse can cause women and children to live in poverty, not being able to afford the basics, and having lts of debt in their name. Women who are suffering finacial abuse often can't rent a flat, get a loan, get the power or phone on because previous bills were unpaid and because debts were taken out in their name. They may have a criminal record and fines after taking the blame for the abuser, and they often have no access to money to enable them to leave the violent situation. Spiritual violence Spiritual violence includes: • Stopping you from expressing your spiritual or religious beliefs • Not letting you go to church/ temple • Putting down or making fun of your whakapapa, beliefs, traditions, or culture • Anything that attacks your wairua/spirit or stops you following your dreams or passions. Spiritual abuse is about attacks to your wairua or spirit. All kinds of abuse can leave you feeling 'soul-less', empty, distant, with no purpose in life, no passion or joy. Abuse robs women and children of their mauri-ora or wellbeing. We recognise that people are suffering spiritual abuse when we say they are not 'grounded', there is 'no light in their eyes' or they are not 'inside themselves'. How violence affects women and children Some of the effects of abuse for women and children: • Think you're going crazy • Living in constant fear • Feeling worthless/ useless • Low self-esteem • Feeling depressed • Feeling out of control • Distorted reality • Feeling suicidal/ committing suicide • Violent thoughts or actions • Alcohol and drug abuse • Mental illness • Anxiety and worry • Feeling whakamaa, shame, guilt, or embarrassment • Withdrawing from family and friends • Bad relationships between you and your children • Eating and sleeping problems • Post traumatic stress disorder • Loss of energy, feeling apathetic • Loss of community and culture • Self-blame and self-harm • Hurting others that are close • Copying controlling and violent behaviour. Some of the effects of physical and sexual violence for women and children are: • Death • Permanent disability (blindness, deafness, epilepsy, loss of mobility) • Hospitalisation for broken bones, concussion, head and spinal injuries, gynaecological problems • Losing an unborn baby, or birth defects • Infertility • Treatment for broken teeth, cuts, headaches, concussion • Bruises, pain, trauma • Isolation (staying home so people don't see the bruises; being avoided by others) • Sexually transmitted diseases • Unwanted pregnancies • Sexual promiscuity • Eating and sleeping disorders • Hating or being ashamed of your body • Not being able to have healthy sexual relationships • As an adult, not being able to enjoy sex Ever party in the relationship has the right to be treated with respect and equality Your rights in a relationship are: • To be treated with respect - and define what respect is for you • To decide what is important for you and set your priorities • To have and express your own feelings and opinions • To have a different view and not feel guilty • To be listened to and taken seriously • To ask for what you want • To make mistakes and be allowed to try again Each right has a responsibility - to behave in the same way towards the other person. Lots of women simply wont leave the person who is abusing them for several reasons here are some of them: Seeing abuse as normal:help: Leaving can be the most dangerous time:help: Lack of money:help: No where to go:help: Fear of losing the children:help: Belief in family values:help: Not being believed:help: Still feeling some love:help: Social isolation:help: Not wanting to be judged by others:help: The typical image of a battered woman is a heterosexual woman attempting to hide a black eye in the grocery store. But domestic violence does not just happen to straight couples. Domestic violence statistics show that violence is just as prevalent in gay and lesbian relationships as it is in heterosexual couples. In fact, 30% of couples struggle with domestic violence of some sort. The Cycle of Abuse # At the start of the relationship, things are wonderful. The abusive partner may be doing nice things and treating her partner like the queen of the world. # Tension Building Stage: Gradually tension begins to build in the relationship. There may be minor incidents, such as yelling or throwing things. The victim, aware of what is coming, may try to prolong this period by “staying out of the way” or placating her. This stage can go on for a while. # Battering Stage: Finally the tension breaks and an act of violence occurs. Many people think violent couples live constantly in this stage. The victim may try to hide signs of abuse, may lie about it, or may seek help from the police, friends or domestic violence services. # Honeymoon Stage: The relationship moves back to the “honeymoon” stage. The abuser is remorseful and promises to never be violent again. The victim gets a lot of attention and affection from the abuser. The abuser may shower her partner with gifts. The victim sometimes feels that the act of violence was a one-time thing and decide to forgive her partner. FACTS AND MYTHS # Myths of Domestic Violence for Lesbians Lesbian relationships can’t have domestic violence, because they are both women. # Only the “butch” partner can be abusive. # It must be “mutual abusive” or “fighting” if both partners are of the same sex. # A physically smaller partner cannot abuse a larger partner. # S/M is abuse and domestic violence. # Drugs or alcohol are to blame for the violence if she only attacks when under the influence. # There is no place for lesbian victims of domestic violence to get help. # It’s not violence because she only threatens and puts me down. She has never hit me. :dry: Facts About Domestic Violence:dry: # Domestic violence can occur in any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation. # Domestic Violence occurs when one person is clearly the victim. Mutual fighting is not domestic violence. # Even though the perpetrator may be under the influence of drugs or alcohol when violence occurs, drugs and alcohol do not “cause” the domestic violence # 1 in 3 women will be assaulted by an intimate partner in her lifetime (30-50% of all women) # 30% of LGBT couples experience domestic violence # 3 out of 4 women murdered are killed by their partners # Acts of domestic violence occur every 15 to 18 seconds in the United States # 30% of all hospital emergency room admissions are female victims of domestic violence # Six million American women are beaten each year. Four thousand of them are killed. # 11 women die every day as a result of domestic violence Ladies and Men If you are in a relationship where u are being hurt or abused either physically or emotionally here are some places that can help you, theres no harm in calling and finding out some information that can help you and possibly save your life please call!!!(&&&) Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline 1-800-999-9999(*hug*) Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline 1-800-662-HELP(!) Care Net 1-800-395-HELP(4357) Center for the Prevention of School Violence 1-800-299-6504:icon_wink National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
Thanks for this. I was in a psychologically-abusive relationship (with a man), so I'm hoping that now I can try and recognise the signs, whoever I end up with! It's good to remind yourself that these things do not only happen in heterosexual relationships.
Thanks for the info. Awhile ago I had to go to a psychologist, for emotional reasons, mostly because of the fact that my dad is a verbally abusive asshole. Well, my psychologist gave me some sheets that I was reading through and this information was on there to my surprise. I think same-sex dating violence is often overlooked for the stereotypical dating violence, big strong dude beating up tiny defenseless chick.
I have alot more to post about this subject, most peopple dont think or imagine that it can happen in gay or lesbian relationships but yes it happens to us all. ive had alot of friends from the gay community here experience this kinda thing, and there are so many signs and facts people dont know or reconize about domestic violence. Ijust feel everyone should be informed.(&&&)
