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On Coming Out to My Sister with Cerebral Palsy...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Meribor, Sep 1, 2013.

  1. Meribor

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    I'm finally out to my Mum, younger sister, brolaw, and Father (in that order), a few scattered friends and all my academic advisors and health care professionals; my older sister with Cerebral Palsy, however, is a more delicate situation.

    She is not child-like, but certainly immature and naive for her age. She knows the basics of the "birds and the bees," but is naive on that subject, too. She knows that gay men and women exist and that they can get married in our state of Massachusetts, but not a single thing else on that deep, deep subject. She may know that some men dress up in women's clothes, but I doubt she knows any of the various reasons why. She almost certainly has no awareness of what it means to be transgender or genderqueer.

    For me, I still very much identify as a guy, but with more than a touch of female that I now need to express. I'm currently exploring how I want to present, which will include some mixture of masculine/feminine clothing, very likely including some skirts and/or dresses. My newly discovered bisexuality is besides the point, really, and will be brought up only if it won't confuse her.

    In fuller disclosure, there are some not-unimportant events that we have chosen to keep from her for various reasons, but those events are all in the past. This is very much in the present and will feature in my family's future; it's going to come up. Better to address it before she notices, stews on it, blows up randomly at someone, and we discuss it at the end of a gun barrel, so to speak.

    I'm looking for feedback from anyone, but if anyone has/had a similar situation I'd love to hear what you chose to do and why.

    Thank you!
     
  2. EmilyLimbo

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    Hi Rudo,

    I am new here and am in the process of coming out myself. But I am also disabled and feel like it may be good for you to hear from another disabled person on this issue. I do not know your sister but as you mention she may not have been exposed to as much as other people growing up and that coming out to her may be a bit of a shock. I would encourage you to tell her similarly as you would anyone else, except in clearer language that she would understand. Remember there are people with cerebral palsy who are gay even if she has not been exposed to this. I feel like the more she is kept from the less you can expect her to understand and be supportive. I don't know her of course but honesty and openness is the best policy with all people in my view. Good luck!
     
  3. dano218

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    I would treat her no differently than anybody and just do it. What is the worst that can happen. Being a disabled gay christian man I know that people with disabilities can handle information just as good as anybody. I am not saying your disrespecting your sister or anything just that I would want to be treated as equal as anybody else in this situation. I hope the best for you and your situation. I say explain the issue gradually not to stress her out or overwhelm her and she'll take it as it comes and as time goes on will get used to it.
     
  4. Randy

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    Hey Rudo,

    First and foremost, I would come out to her no differently then any other person. I also have Cerebral Palsy so this reply may give you insight on how a person with CP may react to this situation. But, of couse, keep in mind that every snowflake is different and while I may act one way to a situation, your sister may act totally different. I'll try my best to take a step back so-to-speak and try to imagine what it would be like if I had no clue what was going on. One thing to keep in mind is it's best not to assume that PWDs know nothing on a subject because it may turn out that they know quite a bit. If someone assumed that I would have no knowledge on a subject just on the basis of my disability, I would not be very happy and instantly get mad at them so that's why it's best not to assume anything. I would just come out to her just as you would to anybody else and then if she has no questions, don't assume she fully understands. If she's curious on the subject as a whole, she'll most likely look the general subject up and direct any specific questions toward you. If she has questions and you're not sure what she knows and doesn't know, prepare yourself for questions and an abundance of them.
     
  5. RainbowMan

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    Again, another gay guy with CP here - but mine might not count, since it's so mild that you wouldn't know it if you ran into me on the street unless I told you (though someone did once tell me that it seemed that I preferred my left side - which is true - and wondered the reasons for that. I didn't tell him since CP has such a stigma associated that I didn't wanna go there)

    Something that you also need to keep in mind is that CP is a physical disability, not so much in terms of cognitive processing. Again, I don't know your sister, and there could well be other things going on there, but don't assume that she doesn't understand. She may or may not be able to express that understanding, however.

    In short, I wouldn't keep it from her. Heck, the concept of being genderqueer is difficult for anyone to understand, really. You just might have to break it down a bit more with her than you would other people if there really is a cognitive deficit at play.
     
  6. Meribor

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    Oh, yeah!

    First off, not that I ever thought there were no LGBT folks also with CP and/or other disabilities, but it is still eye-awakening to join these two parts of my world. Thank you all for your responses.

    I know not to assume that physical disabilities also mean mental disabilities; Stephen Hawking (with ALS) is among the best examples of that. I also can appreciate the time and effort it may have taken you to post these responses. Understand, however, that even with such time and effort, my sister is not capable of such thought out, ordered, grammatically correct, complete statements.

    Explaining a bit more about my sister to help you help me: she is non-verbal and spastic quadriplegic, confined to a wheelchair. She does have a good vocabulary, communicating with a language board with about 150 words on it, but the sentence structure is choppy.

    Being part of the CP community, you know better than I do that the intellectual and emotional abilities of those with CP runs the gamut, and my sister has always kind of been in the middle. When she was with one day program, she initially was part of the adult community experience program, and did well; but later moved to the day hab program, and also did well.

    As far as academic abilities, she is probably on a 2nd to 3rd grade level. She did well enough with spelling tasks, but could not complete an English Composition course, for example.

    So, with all this said, understand that I will be telling her fairly soon (days to weeks-ish), and, knowing her has I do, I guess I know pretty much how to proceed. But, if I could ask again, how you might explain to someone with CP with limited knowledge/experience/exposure in one of these lower programs, how might you? Thank you again, for all your responses.
     
  7. RainbowMan

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    Happy to be a part of it (and I'm sure Randy is too :grin:)

    OK, that changes things a bit :slight_smile:. I've always been at the high functioning end of things, so I guess that muddles my perception a bit. Like I said, you wouldn't know that I was disabled if you saw me, save for a slight limp that most people don't notice.

    Given her level of expressive ability (and presumably comprehension - but again, you know her better than I do), it might be exceptionally difficult to get what you need to across. Being that you are not trans* but rather genderqueer also muddles the waters (with anyone, not just her). Not having experience with gender issues myself, only sexuality, I'm not sure how to word that on a level that would be understandable.

    Quite honestly,. I don't know, because how I relate to the world is much more on the level of a non-disabled person than that of your sister. But I'd take it slow, and carefully explain your feelings. Explain that sometimes you'll need to dress up in women's clothes, because that's how you are really feeling at that moment, and that at other times, you'll be presenting as a man. It's a tricky thing to navigate even with someone that does not have cognitive impairments, let alone with someone that does.

    Good luck, and let us know how things go!