Understanding men....mainly my husband

Yes - that would be frustrating. (*hug*)

I'll be honest and say that 'us men' generally don't attach the same importance to things that women do. That said, you are so passionate about this cause that I can't imagine how your husband couldn't be. If he's going to be a 'follower' and not want to think too hard about it, I'd think he'd be voting with you.

(I've never really understood the hard line Democrat vs. Republican divisions of the US. Here in Canada, people are much more fluid and base their support on the issues and the leader at the time...)

At the same time, your counsellor should be telling you that you can't change him, you can only change how you react to him. And to help deal with that, you can tell him how YOU feel when he votes republican, because of what that action says to you. So you're not telling him what to do, but you're telling him what the impact of him doing that has on you. It will at least give him food for though, without needing to get defensive.

It's only one aspect of your relationship though. Try not to focus on that one thing.

(Is there any way to keep him away from the ballot box on voting day? Maybe a little laxative in his morning coffee? )

 

What the heck does this have to do with "men"? I think it's true of various people, regardless of gender.

Some people are apolitical. And some are sort of mindlessly political. They vote for candidates and parties based on one factor.

They think they're cute.
They like how they speak.
This candidate agrees with them on that one issue they care about (legalization, immigration, gay rights, you name it).
Or, like your husband, "they're a (political party) and that's who I vote for".

Some people are just like that. The truly annoying thing, of course, is that their uninformed vote counts just as much as a carefully weighed and considered vote. But that's how democracy works. It's one-(hu)man-one-vote, not one-well-read-citizen-one-vote.

What can you do? What my parents do, maybe. My father's a Democrat, my mother's a Republican. So they don't talk politics except in the most basic way. My father and I will debate until the sun comes up, but not with my mother in the room. She votes her way, he votes his, end of story. (This doesn't mean they both always vote for their party or candidiate, of course.)

Lex

 

Here's all you need to know about "understanding men" (especially straight ones).

If you wonder "What is he thinking?"...

54% of the time, it's sexual.
27% of the time, it's "I could go for some nachos".
18% of the time, it's a favorite sporting team.

The remaining 1% is everything else.

Lex

 

I wouldn't stress about politics so much. Our president was already chosen for us by the government a good while ago. Our government no longer trusts the people to make decisions, at least when it comes to presidency.

I suggest you stop worrying about who is elected, it isn't your (or your husband's) choice to begin with. To quarrel about something you have no control over is rather pointless.

McCain has pretty much sabotaged himself, so that Obama will win. Honestly if someone were trying to win something as important and vital as a presidential election, he wouldn't make so many mistakes. McCain is giving the presidency to Obama, as he was instructed to do. See below

[YOUTUBE]GEtZlR3zp4c[/YOUTUBE]

Personally I want McCain to withdraw from the race, or be thrown out for whatever reason, so that Dr. Paul can step in. If Ron Paul were to be the republican candidate, it would be interesting how low his votes would be, even though many of todays youth support his policies of constitutional-ism.

I don't mean to be so blunt Becky, and you can disregard this completely. Its just how I feel our government is run based on information I have interpreted over the past few years.

 

Very interesting, I just read an article on the main page of MSN titled: Your a Republican, he's a Democrat, it's basically about married couples who are on different political sides of the spectrum.

And really, John McCain isn't that bad. If I had to vote for a republican today, I'd vote McCain. If you look at his voting record in the senate, he has done so much bipartisan work with other Democrats, and it is just now, that he is moving more to the right because of his run for president...but he has to, because it's politics. Same with Obama, his stance on issues are so "liberal", yet when the candidates get into office, everything will change. Yes Obama says he wants to get out of the war, but if his top military advisors say, no that's a very bad idea, is Obama just going to say "f-you" and still get out? It's all politics.

I say don't worry about your husband. If he wants to vote McCain, then let him. Politics should not divide your marriage, nor should it divide friendships, nor should it divide us as citizens. Politics and our interests in this country should merely spark open dialogue into deciding what is best for our lives. OPEN dialogue, meaning listening to other's opinions, even though they may differ than our own. Understanding that people come from different places and experiences, and each of those experiences shape their views as to how our country should be run.

Maybe let your husband share his views as to why he will vote for McCain. Don't say anything while he is talking, and then when he is done, you share your own views as to why Obama is the better candidate. Maybe you will agree to disagree. Or maybe, you will have changed his mind. However, no matter what, you will both hopefully have come to more of an understanding. An understanding that, it's okay that you have differing opinions, because in the end, you still have a common goal of love, commitment, and creating a better life for your son, and for yourselves. And really, that's all that matters.

 

Pfffff MEN!!!!! Can't live with them, can't live with out them.:lol:

I am sorry about your husband's lack of support and sensitivity but unfortunately many straight men (in my experience) are like this. I can understand why this hurts you so much, now it is down to you to try to get your husband to this basic level of understanding.

Who do you think Homer Simpson is a stereotype for? :dry:

 

>>>Pfffff MEN!!!!! Can't live with them, can't live with out them.

Yeah. Too bad we own everything.

Lex

 

You could do like my grandparents do. Grandma(a Democrat) basically tells Grandpa(who really doesn't care) "this is who I'm voting for; you're voting for him too." Despite the fact that he is somewhat racist, Grandma got Grandpa to caucus for Obama this year. And hey, its worked for them for the last 50 years!

.....or maybe you could try to talk with him and explain how it makes you feel that he is voting for McCain. And like Jim said, if there is nothing else you can do, just try not to focus on it.

 

I can kind of understand your frustration, in a way - I have a sister who consistently votes against her *own* interests, which I've never understood, because that's who she's been told to vote for, and everyone round her does. Ugh.

You're such a supporter of the cause that I can see how it is totally frustrating that your husband seems to be undermining it, and not appreciating its importance to you. I think that party loyalty can sometimes go so deep, that sometimes it can be more about what is the same, and identity, than about voting for particular issues, if that makes sense. As in, if you have voted the same way all your life, and your parents did too, then to deviate from that takes an awful lot of thinking, and re-defining yourself. I don't know, maybe it's a bit like playing the same lottery numbers every week, and then one week trying some different ones...

But I hope the counselling works, and that you sort something out, or at least that you both get to see where each other is coming from. It may be that he doesn't actually connect presidential elections with your struggle for gay rights. I know that sounds really weird, but I can actually see how someone might (erroneously) put the two things into separate boxes and not see them in conflict with one another.

But I hope you feel better and you sort things out! (and all my American friends are rooting for Obama too!)

 

Becky, I am sorry to hear you are having some troubles at home but also glad to see you two are trying to work through them with counseling. I completely understand how you must feel. You have worked tirelessly for our rights for so long, and it is natural for you to hope and expect that your husband would fully support your efforts. Having said that, I think it is possible for your husband to support you and at the same time be true to his own beliefs.

I view marriage as two people coming together to share their lives but not change who the other is. I have made that mistake in the past – trying to change someone. I also made the mistake of giving up what I believed in for my partner. Neither worked. It is entirely possible that your husband can fully support gay rights but feel that Senator Obama is not the best choice for president. There are so many issues that the next president will have to address that your husband may believe that Senator McCain is the right person to lead this country. I am not saying that he would be right or wrong, just that he is entitled to his own, independent view of which issues are most important to him in electing a president. If you try to force him to do something he does not believe in, it will likely only lead to resentment.

Are there other ways that he can show support for your work with PFLG? Is he involved at all? Would you like to ask him to play a small role in a project you are working on? Since he is a Republican, perhaps he would be willing to write the Republican leadership and express support for gay rights. If the Republican Party is going to one day return to its roots as the party of Lincoln, there needs to be more outspoken Republicans on this issue (I know, off topic).

Hang in there. I am sure these are not easy times for you, but you will get through it.

 

To Becky--
I am so sorry to hear that you husband is being unsupportive. Does he know a lot about the candidates, or is he voting SOLELY because McCain is a Republican? (I know how frustrating this can be. My parents will only vote Republican, and forced me to register republican :-( )

If he doesn't know much about the candidates, I found a site that is good for those who don't know a lot about them and their takes on important issues. This would be a good thing for a lot of American ECers who don't know about the candidates to look at too. Hope it helps!

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/compare-candidates/index.html

 

I'm pretty sure there is a southpark episode in which a presidential election breaks up a family. Or tries to. See the Giant Dou (I better not say it) or a Tu...uhm..Poop Sandwhich episode. <- That's right sometimes I do practise censorship!

Anyways I think your husband has his views. And clearly he's stated that he isn't voting Barak Obama because he doesn't support his views but because he's staying within his relam of comfort. I know you see this as a direct attack to your work and to your struggles but really it's not. He's just voting for who he feels he should vote for.

Is your husband close to his dad? Because that would explain alot. Well even if he's not it also explains alot if you think aboot it.

Anywho,
I'm pretty sure McCain won't get into presidency. And if it does happy feel free to kick your husband in the balls right after Canada gets sick of American bullshit and attacks with our hockey sticks and chainsaws (Southpark Reference).

Take it from South Park though, an election is no reason to fight.

Well maybe it is when you have an arse like McCain up for grabs...but hey...Us Canadians had it pretty rough last election too!

Xept our arse actually made it into Parliment. Still he's better then Stephen Dion. Amiright Canadians?

On a different note...Where are all the good leaders?

 

I think marriages are hard and require a lot of work to hold together. I am amazed at couples who stay together till the end. We change over time. We want different things. At times, I think we forget about how our actions affect our partner. There are so many small things that can have an unintended and lasting consequence, such as your husband not telling you he told his friends about you testifying. I think one of the benefits of marital counseling is learning how these small things can really affect a relationship and build over time. Marital counseling will hopefully allow you both to better communicate your needs and feelings. It may also allow you to amicably decide if there is enough of that glue. I wish you all the best with it and please feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat.

 

Tell him you won't take care of "the marital duty" (ahem) if he votes for McCain. That should work.

Seriously speaking, I've always lived in a similar situation. In Uruguay there are three major political parties with lots of different factions and it seems that in my family everyone votes for a different one. So, every single adult relative has a different opinion... my solution has been just not saying what I think (to add to things my political views are somewhat controversial for ALL sectors)

Your husband is probably 40-something years old. So he has been voting for 25-30 years - he's very unlikely to change his political views, especially if he didn't change them after GWB's administration.

Regarding gay rights, I wouldn't be too concerned about McCain, Obama or whoever, as I highly doubt that any candidate would openly campaign for gay rights. From what I know about the United States, things such as "traditional family moral" (meh) are more important than the useless loss of American and foreign lives (*cough*Vietnam, Iraq*cough*), so being gay-friendly is not a winning ticket.