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I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jaden, Sep 3, 2013.

  1. Jaden

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    I've only recently come to terms with who I am sexually. I was brought up in a very conservative Christian environment, and so although I've basically known since I hit puberty, I was in denial for about a decade. Anyways, I've only told three of my friends, all female, because I felt like like they were the only three people who I could trust and wouldn't judge me. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable coming out to my male friends - I feel like they'll look at my differently, even the ones who are more liberal and are totally accepting of the LGBTQ community. Let's not even get started on my Christian friends...I mean, I can hardly stand to be around them any more for unrelated reasons, because I had a falling out with organized religion in general a few years ago. And they're all very homophobic and will never accept me as I am.

    But then there's my parents...they're both very conservative and religious, though they've gotten a lot better in recent years. My mom's view of homosexuality is evolving, and my dad, well, he doesn't really talk about it, but extrapolating from what else I know about him, I doubt he would be accepting at all. He and I have always been pretty distant.

    Anyways, I'm bisexual and I've only had relationships with girls to this point, so theoretically, I could just date girls the rest of my life...but I don't want that. I'd like to have a boyfriend someday, and more importantly, if I meet somebody who I really like or fall in love with, I don't want to miss that just because he's a boy and I don't want people to know. And when/if I do ever have a boyfriend, at that point I certainly couldn't keep it a secret from people. So, inevitably, I'm going to have to tell them...or, well, I hope inevitably, because I'd like to be with a guy someday. All of my relationships with girls have ended terribly, so it might just be the change I need.

    But I just don't know how or if I can ever get to that point where I'm comfortable doing that and telling my friends and family =/ I'm so wracked with self-consciousness and insecurity and doubt about all this....
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Welcome to EC, Jaden!

    From the look of things you are struggling with conflicting discomforts. To whit: one side of the scale brings you face to face with the acceptance (or lack thereof) from those who are close to you. On the other side of the scale is the discomfort of being in that dark, cramped closet.

    What will tip the scale for you? You need to decide which discomfort is worse...they can't possibly have equal weight. Once you know the "tipping point" you should have an easier time deciding the best of these two, admittedly uncomfortable, positions: either out, or in the closet...
     
  3. LILuke

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    Welcome to EC Jaden!

    It's strange to think that so many people have had similar experiences to me, and I swear our stories sound almost like point-for-point rehashes of one another. Like you I come from a fairly religious Christian family and worry that neither of my parents - moreso my dad than my mom will ever accept me. Like you I've only had relationships with girls in the past, and only recently came to terms with my sexuality because I've spent so long repressing my bisexual thoughts and feelings. And even after I started to come to terms with it, I spent some time trying to convince myself that I could just stick to girls and never tell anyone about that part of myself.

    But more and more I'm deciding that I don't want to. That I do want to have a boyfriend someday, and the more acceptance I find from people like the ones here the more confident I feel in those thoughts. I hope you'll realize as I did that you're not as alone as you thought, and maybe that'll give you the confidence you need to consider telling your parents. But hey, there isn't any rush - this is on your time, not theirs. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 LILuke, Sep 3, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2013
  4. Jaden

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    Maybe it will...I just don't know. I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorders, and I have nothing but self-doubt and insecurity. I have basically no self esteem and I don't know how or if or when I'll ever feel like I'm worth anything at all. And until that day comes, I'll never be able to come out. Of course, I'll never need to come out if I can't overcome these obstacles either, since I'll never be able to hold a relationship either =/ I'm sorry for whining, please forgive me.
     
  5. LILuke

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    It's okay Jaden, this is a place for you to get it all out, so anything that you're feeling or afraid of you should feel free to say it. Lord knows I've gone off on pity-parties about my own insecurities. (*hug*)

    I think that you need to take things one step at a time. Don't rush into anything, you have - literally - all of the time in the world. Spend some time getting comfortable with yourself and with your sexuality until you can safely say that you're happy with who you are. It doesn't matter how long it takes, and you don't need to rush at all! Take it at your own pace, and you'll be amazed what you can accomplish! I know that I certainly have been, even though at times I still feel like I'll never make it to the end.

    Chin up Jaden, you've already taken the most difficult step. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Jaden

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    Thank you. I needed to hear something like that (*hug*) I've been struggling with these things for years, and it just doesn't seem like there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't really have anybody to consistently talk to about these things, so I usually end up keeping it bottled up inside...and when I do talk about it, I feel like I'm just aggravating people.
     
  7. LILuke

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    You don't need to worry about aggravating anyone Jaden, I very often feel exactly the same way - just this morning I had a severe panic attack when I considered the prospect of telling my mom about my sexuality, because not only could I not imagine telling her - but I couldn't reasonably imagine telling anyone that I know. It's isolating at times, but it gets better. :slight_smile: