coming out, will my kids be harassed?

Welcome to EC! :smilewave

First off, before I forget, you might want to check out the sister site ***. Although technically a site for porn, there's a very large and active messageboard there, including a section similar to this one. (There, it's called "coming out & relationships".) Certainly not knocking Empty Closets, but as it tends to be focused more towards the younger set, you might get more responses from guys who have been in your boat.

I haven't been in that situation myself. (I came out just after college, been partnered for ten years, and never had interest in having kids.) So I can't give a direct comment. I do know that homosexuality is getting more and more acceptable across the board. I was stunned when I saw posts from places like Iowa saying "I can't get the other gay kids in my high school to notice me." Such a comment would've been unthinkable twenty years ago.

Do stick around and see what others have to say, and do check out the other site when you get a chance.

Lex

 

My situation's a bit different... see, my mom's a lesbian and she's been with her partner for 15 years.. I went to this really small school from the time I was three to the time I was eleven. By the time my classmates were old enough to know what being gay was or form a negative opinion, they knew me and my parents well enough to accept them. Then I went to this expensive, rich, private school where things were a bit different. I hid that my mom was gay for the first few months, only telling my two closest friends. Then a girl looked up my name in the directory to prank call me, saw that there were two women's names next to it, and figured it out. (I was a little surprised- this chick isn't the brightest banana in the bunch.) So she spread it around and it was horrible for a few weeks- and then I realised it doesn't matter. I'm not ashamed of my moms, and I don't care what those people think. However, this was in sixth grade and I had my priorities in order a bit more than your average eight-year-old.

I'm not sure- I think it really depends on your kids. What have you taught them about gays? If they know not to be ashamed of you, it might not be so hard to brush off comments. Also, if they're young enough, most likely the other kids won't care. I'm sure they'll still love you no matter what. (*hug*)

 

I have never experienced anything like this but I do know that kids are very resiliant and if you and your wife have a positive attitude to your homosexuality and your eventual break up you kids will come through this. They might experience difficult times as school, but with your help and understanding this will make them stronger more understanding people.

One thing I have seen here on EC is the level of maturity in most of the posters. Kids confronted with homosexuality have to grow up faster than others and learn to deal with emotional turmoil at a much younger age than straight kids.

All the kids here are very caring and sensitive to one another, there is very little conflict, just concern, fun and support... go find that in the straight world!

 

Hmm... there was a kid at our school who got teased because his dad came out as gay - well, not BECAUSE of that since he was teased before that anyway... he had a few 'problems', not the most popular kid. Nothing too serious though. Anyway, he ended up leaving the school and people still always joke about him.

So, yeah... if you are sure everyone would find out... but it sounds like something that you have just got to do and put up with the consequences. You can't go on lying about it!

 

I don't really have any personal experience with this, but I will share a little something.

In a small, "Republican infested" hick-town about 15 miles down the road from here, there are two women who are openly a couple. They have a child, who, as far as I know, isn't harassed at all. One of the women is also a teacher at the high school, and has been for a long time, and it has never caused too much of a stir in town.

So, I guess my point with that is that you could be surprised at how accepting your town and the people in it are. Of course, I have no idea what exactly it is like there.


Oh, and welcome to EC!

 

Welcome to EC. It is a great site that has been very helpful to me.

Your post is very timely for me. I have young kids and have the same concern if I come out. I am not sure there is an easy answer to this question. In some ways, I think it will be easier on my kids if I come out sooner rather than later, so their dad having a boyfriend will be as normal to them as waking up in the morning and brushing their teeth. Nonetheless, as they get older, I expect there will be some degree of teasing from some kids because that is simply what kids do. I worry about subjecting them to this. No matter what, I am sure my kids will always love me, but I am reluctant to subject them to the teasing. Having said that, I also don’t know how I can live my life honestly and happily and hide this from them. Eventually, as they reach the teen years, they will figure out that Dad’s friend is more than simply a friend. Kids are very astute. I then worry if it will hurt them more if they find out that way. By keeping it a secret, am I then sending a message to the kids that there really is something wrong with being gay?

 

You raise a very good point about giving them strength. Louise also points out other advantages. I am starting to think that there really is no way to avoid it. We need to be true to who we are. One of the reasons we go through such pain and emotional trauma is that we try to hide and repress our homosexuality. That never worked for me, and I don’t think for anyone else. Right now, I am scared to do it. But, just as I was scared to accept that I was gay and have now embraced it, I will figure out how to be honest with my kids about my sexuality.

By the way, please feel free to PM me anytime.

 

Kids can get teased about alot of things. The important thing is giving them the skills to know how to deal with it. I had a friend who has since passed away who had a gay son with three small adopted children. When the kids went to school they were often asked "why do you have two dads?" They responded with "Because I'm LUCKY!" I thought that was so cute!

There is a good brochure on how to talk to your kids about homosexualty and prejudice. Go to the links page and click on What Does Being Gay Mean? This might be helpful in giving your kids words they can use at school if kids tease or ask questions.

http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/links.php

 

Hi there. Welcome to EC! This is a great site - it has helped me a LOT!

I'm in exactly the same place that you are in. My wife and I have split, as I came to realize that I was gay when I was 35. She has been extremely supportive and understanding, and remains my best friend. She has met my boyfriend and likes him very much. The three of us get along very well. He's also a separated gay dad.

My daughters are 5 and 7, and I haven't told them yet that I'm gay. Why? Well, there are a couple of reasons.

• I'm not sure the younger one is quite old enough to understand.
• I'm not prepared to have EVERYONE know I'm gay, which is what you have to expect when you tell a 5 year old something!
• I also don't want to ask then to keep it a secret - that would be unfair and send a mixed signal about 'being gay is OK, just don't tell anyone'
• The most important reason though is to spare them the teasing and bullying until they are just a little bit older.

I attended a talk put on the by Gay Fathers of Toronto (there may be similar groups where you live) and the psychologist that they invited to talk said that the 'ideal' time to tell your kids is between the ages of 7 and 12. Its in this period that kids are old enough to understand the concept of 'love' when you have that talk with them, but they are young enough that they are taking their cues about right and wrong, good and bad still from their parents. So if you can be positive about it (and you have to be positive about it yourself if they are going to be positive about it) then they will see it as being OK as well. Later, they take their cues from their peers, so if you wait, they may have already picked up the 'negatives' associated with being 'gay'.

My bf has had 'the talk' with his kids, but they are 8 and 10. He did it mainly because his 10 year old was already throwing around the expression "that's gay", so he figured he'd better 'get in there' and clear some things up and get them out in the open. As far as I know, the kids haven't shared that with their friends at school, nor have they therefore been subject to any teasing.

I hope that helps. Again, welcome to EC. If you want to chat, just say the word. It sounds like we have A LOT in common!

 

O Yay finally something I can help with ( My Dad's Gay). Told us when I was 4, and my sister was 6, and my two brothers were 8 and 10. As far as I remember none of us were harrassed at all, but I dont know how the kids in your area will treat em, If your kids are smart though they'll just ignore em. O and as for you and your wife, my dad and mom are friends again and shes better friends with his now ex so I'm sure you'll be fine.