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Let them figure it out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by aTypicalAndrew, Sep 4, 2013.

  1. aTypicalAndrew

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    I've not come out.

    As a matter of fact, I've pretty much put up the façade that I am straight for my entire life and everyone seems to be buying it, or so it seems to me.

    I'm modest to a fault and my tiny circle of just a handful of friends know I don't discuss sexual things or carry conversation of controversial topics, politics, beliefs, and so on. They accept that from me and understand that I don't care about others' issues, sexuality, and gossip and they don't involve me in it. I don't have time or interest. The same goes for my own dating life, or lack thereof. I have always been a busy man, even in high school, and I never had time to date so I didn't try to find any girls to date. Nobody ever questioned it. I was a hefty boy back then, too- methinks there was a lack of conversation out of pity for that reason, so it was never brought up.

    Fast forward to now. At 27 I've still never dated. I now look pretty damn good, having shed almost 80 pounds (and counting. the goal is 100!). Now friends have started to mention girls who are single and who like me and whatnot. I've still got this straight façade up and always politely refuse the date, citing whatever excuse I can come up with. The topic is never pressed.

    My problem: I've built such a wall that it is going to be really dramatic to tear it down in front of my best friends. I want to start dating guys ...but this wall... I want to tell people who I really am, but as I said before I am intensely private and modest and I as such I don't understand why it should matter to anyone WHO I date/love/marry.

    This is where your advice is appreciated: I want to date, and I need advice from and want my best friend (a girl) (yes, I know the signs are all there!) to be involved and there for me, but she.will.be.floored. when and if I tell her. I've thought about "coming out" in one of the following ways: 1) Telling a couple of people (my gay sister and my best friend), breaking my lifestyle of modesty and privacy and just putting myself out there; or 2) Just try to date on my own without the input of the best friend and let her find out organically when she finally puts it all together from seeing me with guys.

    Have any of you seen the second method in action? Any suggestions or advice? I know my best friend will be supportive, but I am almost positive she will be really weirded out by it considering we had another best friend who came out to us a few years ago and she is still talking about it.

    I've written too much here. It's all word salad. Apologies.

    Thank you.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Had you considered that it might not be so dramatic since you haven't spent the whole time insisting you are straight and forcing it? If you've just blocked the question when it's come up and never really shown an interest then the suprise would be more that you actually care about dating someone...

    When she talks about your other friend who came out, what does she say?
     
  3. bingostring

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    From my experience, most people will have surmised that you are gay, or bi, already. Especially your best friend. Don't be spooked when she says "I thought so" !!

    So it might all be not such a big deal.

    Also ... if you have kept the wall up for 27 years, the sooner you begin to dismantle it the better
     
  4. aTypicalAndrew

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    Well, I HAVE spent the whole time insisting I am straight. Not vehemently, but I have put that image out there fairly solidly, I just haven't acted on it. I have mentioned dating in recent weeks and it usually gets passed off for other conversation. You know how it goes with conversation sometimes: topic hopping and whatnot...

    As for our other friend who came out, it was a shock to us because she (the gay friend) had always been so very into boys as long for as we had known her. One day we jokingly asked her if she was lesbian during a conversation and she just fessed up about it all. She dove into it headlong, but I won't go into details. She just changed dramatically. The dramatic changes are the biggest topic of conversation when we talk about it. Now, wrong as it is, we joke about her being our lesbian friend.

    I'm not worried about losing my best friend. I am more worried about how she will react and talk about it with others. Of course if I confide in her I'm sure she will only tell her husband and maybe her sister. Am I over-thinking all of this? Probably.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    No my friend. Acting on it despite it is insisting you're straight. For some reason if you don't date for ages everyone seems to assume you're gay.

    Well do you plan on changing massively if you come out?
     
  6. aTypicalAndrew

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    Of course not. The only change will be the fact that I begin to date guys. Haha.
     
  7. BookDragon

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    Well then if you don't change she won't have much to talk about! There's only so many conversations you can get out of "Oh my GOD that Andrew is exactly the same as hee always was!" "I KNOW, it's like he's gay but the same you knoooow!"
     
  8. aTypicalAndrew

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    I want to be mad at your snark, ElliaOtaku, but you make too much sense.

    The fallout of it is what concerns me the most. The whispers and the gossip that get around to people who I don't WANT to know.

    I guess I'll just pout because you've stumped me somewhat. Jerk. :slight_smile:
     
  9. BookDragon

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    Sorry :grin: I struggle to express things without a little humour!

    Gossip is always a bitch, which is why it is recommended to be comfortable with yourself before coming out to people! Out of interest, who are you worried about it getting to?
     
  10. aTypicalAndrew

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    I just know the community in which I live will not be as accepting as I would like. I don't want it to spread as a rumor with the underpinnings of gossip, which it certainly will. I have two very public and very conservative jobs that I love, but that I feel would not be supportive in dealing with the murmurings and whispers that would accompany a public coming-out. It is nearly impossible to explain.
     
  11. Saint Otaku

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    Don't fear! When I come out, I'll have had to tear down "walls" of about 3 years of homophobia, then 3 years of anti-homosexuality, then about two-years of indifference -- all due to the echoing of my parents and the traditional Christian views. Think of that, perhaps at one point one of the most vocally anti-gay people in school comes out of the closet as gay! :grin: Granted, my friends are fanfic-obsessed feminists, so they'll likely be thrilled ^.^
     
  12. Filip

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    Now, Georgia might be different from Belgium, so my opinion might not be too relevant.
    However, I guess gossip is a universal language :wink:

    Personally, I think I'd suggest option 1 as the best one if you want to do a coming out in a controlled, discrete way.
    Let's look at the most likely chains of events for each scenario:

    Scenario 1: you tell people one at a time, in confidence. If you're a very private person, it will be a minor breach of character for you. In fact, there will be tons of questions that dig even deeper into your feelings, including: "how do you figure something like that out?", "Are you entirely sure?", "Have you already dated a guy?", "Who else knows?", "What kind of guys do you see yourself going for?"
    And yes, ideally you'd give honest answers to all of them.
    But in my experience, people don't treat that sort of coming out as gossip. If you ask them, they'll keep it as a secret told in confidence. Not forever, perhaps, but you have a fair bit of time before they'll mess up and let it slip. I was out to my closest friends for over two years before I noticed them not minding their mouths anymore when they talked about me.
    And yes, they'll look for changes in the beginning. But the best way to show them there aren't are to just keep living your life as you mostly have. Except for dating guys, I guess :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Scenario 2: you let yourself be seen with a guy in a situation that leaves no doubt you're more than platonic straight friends. I don't know about Georgia, but in Belgium, finding out about something like that instantly elevates it to the status of juicy gossip. People will respect something told in confidence, but juicy gossip is treated as fair game.
    In fact, since it would be a bit improper to just ask you if you're gay, people might first ask their friends for opinions. As innocently as possible, perhaps, but it still means they go to other friends asking "was that really Andrew I saw there, holding hands with a guy?". Does wonders for getting the news out to as many people as possible, but not so much for your control of the situation.
    Also, sometimes it gets interpreted as a "dirty secret". After all, if it wasn't, why are you doing it away from friends' prying eyes? And no, you might not have intended it that way, but I can all but guarantee you there will be people interpreting it as such.


    Obviously, I'm biased. I picked option number 1, myself. But it did seem to fit best with what you want from it. While it felt odd to break the wall (the word "naked" springs to mind when I remember how I felt at first), it also doesn't mean you're suddenly becoming a different person.
    I tell my friends a bit more than I used to, but I still am perfectly able to keep to myself if I feel like it. But by occasionally allowing ourselves to share deeper issues, the friendship also deepened a lot, even if most of the time we still goof off like we always used to.
     
  13. Choirboy

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    I have been married for 20 years, which is about as much of a "straight facade" as you can get, but of the 6 people that I have told so far, 1 was floored but supportive, 1 was slightly surprised but quite accepting, and the other 3 (including my wife, I might add) basically took the attitude of "Well yeah, you finally figured that out?". (All right, my wife's reaction was not QUITE that casual for the first day or so, but once she actually thought about it, that was her conclusion.)

    I think that a lot of times, we build up all this "coming out" into a much more dramatic event that it really needs to be. Which is not to say everyone is accepting or kind about it, but I think the healthiest thing for anyone to do is be honest and secure with it THEMSELVES first. Bullies and haters feed off of your fear and insecurity, and the more calm and confident you are, the less of a problem you will have in general. They want to see you squirm, and if you don't, they get no entertainment and will eventually move on because you're no "fun" for them.

    I live in a small town and am putting off any major coming out so that my wife and kids don't suffer as a result, but for myself, I don't much care who knows and I'm not concerned about people finding out (my "work life" is very separate from my "home life" so if people at work find out, it won't really make its way from the big city to the small town). If it was me, I'd confide in the "best friend", who very likely already suspects something anyhow, and perhaps tell her you are not ready for this to be public knowledge, but are moving in that direction. It's a huge help to have even one person you can confide in--you'd be amazed at what it does for your level of confidence to be able to share what you're thinking. And to paraphrase Filip above, the more you treat this as a "dirty little secret", the more others will do the same, and really, there's no reason for it to be that way. YOU have the ability to control that by being confident and positive yourself. Hope that however you approach this, it goes well for you!
     
  14. jonnyNZ

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    If I were you I would start with your gay sister. I first person I came out to was my lesbian friend. At the very least it is someone who knows something about what you are experiencing. After that I got the courage (with help from alcohol - definitely not recommended) to tell a few more people... who discussed it for a little bit, asked a few questions, and it's been business as usual ever since.
     
  15. aTypicalAndrew

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    I almost came out to my sister and her girlfriend this afternoon, but I met them at a restaurant where they had had a couple of drinks and it was too ...noisy? It just wasn't the right time.

    I'm starting to think my sister suspects, though, because she asked me if there is anyone i'm interested in nowadays and tactfully left off any pronouns. She also knows that I support her and her girlfriend very much where our family otherwise doesn't. She also called me "atypical" a couple of times, which makes me wonder if she's on this forum as well.

    Are you reading this, Kel? :slight_smile:
     
  16. aTypicalAndrew

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    I just now read your response, Filip. Thank you so much for it- you really make a good point and your "option 1" seems to be the best way to go. For me the hardest part is going to be telling the best friend, who generally doesn't discuss hot topics like gay people and her opinions about it all (this is the Bible belt, after all). I feel like she is ok with it, but at the same time I feel like she isn't. When our other friend came out to us, it was one of those situations where she (the other friend) flung the closet doors wide open, stopped shaving herself, picked up a very masculine girlfriend and joined a gay non-profit. A total turn around from the quiet, boy-crazy, churchgoing friend we had known her to be for the previous 10 years.
    Being good Georgians, the best friend and I have talked about that situation and how it is simply "odd" to us the sudden change in our lesbian friend's life. Best friend mentioned the other day in a joking way that "...we are going to have to be in a lesbian wedding some day, aren't we?" and it is little jokes like that which make me hesitate. I don't want to make her uncomfortable because she is, without a doubt, my one true best friend and in some ways my only friend. I know she will love me no matter what but at the same time I don't want to do anything to distance us by any measure. She means that much to me.

    I realize I'm rambling and for that I am sorry, but so much is going on in my head. Does anyone relate?