Ok, new here and this is gonna be long so bare with me... I live in an African country (yes there's internet and computers in Africa) and although we were one of the 1st countries in the world to give LGBT equality (kinda just told you'll where I live) its still kinda taboo to be gay. Quick stuff about me to better help you understand: * I'm gay, I've known it since forever * I have a Christian background, go to church every week, the Pastor speaks highly of me, answer all the questions at youth group etc... So I'm that kind of "christian" * I don't date any girls and because I'm gay and since I'm in the closet and where I live its very hard to find other gay people * I come off so straight that all the mothers in my area see me as the perfect husband for their daughters one day So my problem is that nobody suspects that I'm gay, like 0% chance that people think I'm gay, like a week ago at school someone asked me why I don't date any girls and I replied to him, are you trying to ask if I'm gay and he said, no I can tell you're not gay, I just wanna know what's your deal with girls, I then made up some stupid lie about some celibacy thing with my church group. I really need to come out, its killing me everyday to live this lie but I still live with my mom and I'm financially defendant on her, she is a 10000% hardcore christian so gay to her is sin and evil So I've been trying to drop subtle stereotypical hints at them like: *Crossing my legs when I sit, I'm 18 and never used to cross my legs so its noticeable *Watching TV shows like the New Normal, Glee, RuPauls Drag show and telling my mom how much I like watching them * Playing a lot of one direction, bieber, gaga etc music * Dressing in very loud and bright colours, wearing skinny jeans etc * Talking pro gay when I get the chance like with the whole Russia thing or the DOMA in California But sadly they still have no idea, like with the TV shows, turns out my mom loves them too, the clothes my mom says they look good on me and its what's "in" right now and when I talk pro gay I get the bible referenced to me I really can't actually verbally tell me mom I'm gay cause shell kick me out the house or send me to some christian thing to get "cured" so I thought if I can make them think and wonder if I'm gay that maybe slowly they'll start realising I'm the same person, who just doesn't like vagina's (sorry if that's offensive) Help me, do I just wait a few years till I'm able to support myself financially or do I continue trying to "convert" them into seeing I'm gay and if so what else can I do since all my ways failed. I hate living this lie, and it may sound dumb but I really hate the expectation that just cause I'm not flamboyant about being gay that I should be assumed straight the same may hetero people hate being called gay I hate being called straight Or maybe I should just risk everything and come out, suggestions? Ps. Sorry I blabbed on so long.
Well consider that if you are doing extra things you wouldn't normally do to hint you might be gay, then they might get the idea that being gay HAS changed you so I would be careful of that!
I wouldn't come out to your family yet, wait until you move out and aren't financially dependent on your mom. Keep dropping hints though...that way when you do come out she'll have that "Oh, it all makes sense now" moment. That might soften the blow a little bit. I know it's hard being in the closet. Is there a friend you could come out to? Someone who will accept you and keep it a secret? I came out to a friend when I was 14 and just telling one person made me feel so much better. You don't have to come out to everyone all at once.
I wouldn't completely change yourself just so your mom gets a suspicion that you may be gay. Unless you actually explicitly tell her, she may just continually try denying the thought and justify everything you're doing in a straight way, such as when you said she thinks your clothes are "in". I see what you're trying to do, and it may work, but it doesn't sound like you're being yourself, which is kind of the whole point of coming out.
Exactly! You need to be careful of that. My suggestion is maybe you can come out to just one person right now who you think willl be accepting of you? I really feel for you though because I am in the same position. For your safety though it's best you wait till you're financially independent to come out.
I think its important to consider your needs at this point in time. If staying closeted a while longer is in your best interest than I recommend it until you have an independent foothold. That way there is a safety net worse case scenario. On the other hand, I know the toll and turmoil it can take to stay bottled up. Being gay is something that so deeply affects your most intimate interactions. Once you say it outloud-the world is your oyster. It appears your mother wont take kindly to this but you are her son and I know all too well the ferocity of a mother's love. Coming to terms with yourself and loving yourself is of the utmost importance during this time because it will give you the resilience to navigate negativity, rejection and unconditional love. Be strong! Be honest.
Thanks everyone for you're advice. I decided to come out to a good close friend and she also had no idea that I was gay but did say my recent behaviour was not "me" so I'm gonna tone it down a little incase my mom catches on it and blames it on the "gay sin" At this point I guess I just have to hold out in a little longer and wait till I'm not dependent on my mom cause next year I go to university and although my mom is paying my fees I can live an openly gay life there cause I'd be far away from home and she won't find out and once I don't need her money anymore I'll tell her. Again thanks for the advice
