I'm Really Starting to Think...

Only somewhat similar.

I've never been what I call "visually attuned". My vision is fine, but I just don't take in information visually as much as most people do. I'd rather read a book than see a movie, for instance.

In high school, while all my friends were panting after girls, I wasn't. I was sort of waiting for that area of my brain to kick in. It's not that I wasn't sexual - I certainly was. But all my fantasies were sort of...vague. Non-directional. I wanted to have sex, but had no idea with whom or what. And this was pre-Internet age, so it wasn't like I could pull up some porn or erotica to give it a try. All I had was the Playboy Channel, hellaciously scrambled, after my parents were fast asleep. I found that I did prefer sex scenes featuring a man and a woman, more than those featuring just a woman. (These, of course, the only sex scenes available on the Playboy Channel.) I chalked that up to "projecting" - in that I was wishing I was the guy in that situation.

Fast-forward to college. And I've still never seen anybody that made me...well, pudgy in the drawers. It's as if the only people who get me horny are those in my brain, and those in porn magazines. And I start wondering what the heck's going on. Well, I think, have I ever actually TRIED to ogle a woman? I know that sounds silly, since everyone else just seems to DO it, but I never actually TRIED. So I decide to actually try to look at attractive women at college and see what happens.

Nothing, as it turns out. It's like looking at art at a museum. "Oh, yes, that looks nice." But nothing happening downstairs.

So then it hits me - maybe I'm gay. Again, it sounds silly. How could I not KNOW I'm gay? Homosexuality never scared me or anything, but I certainly hadn't really given it any thought. But, figuring I might as well eliminate the possibility, I decide I'm going to go ogle some guys to see what happens.

I walk outside my dorm, feeling more than a bit self-conscious. I sit down on a bench, start half-reading a book, and hope some "hot guys" walk by. Although, to be honest, I'm not even sure what a "hot guy" is supposed to be. But luckily, a guy jogs by, wearing nothing but black jogging shorts. So I watch him go by, check him out, especially his butt as he runs by.

...and suddenly, my jeans are tenting like a circus.

I almost yell out, "Holy shit, I'm GAY!" Not in fear, or even in happiness - just in utter shock.

Unfortunately, it took me another year to really totally believe it and accept it. I'd read that many kids go through a "gay phase", and I did want to be sure before I announced it to the world. But by the time I had accepted it, I had graduated. Thus eliminating my best playground for sowing my wild oats. Damnit, damnit, damnit.

It took another three years before I managed to find a guy to experiment with. (Taking a job at an auto parts warehouse in a red state? Not the best way to find one.) And he was a hitchhiker. Long story.

Lex

 

My story is similar. For me, inital realization was at 13 years old but I didn't come out to myself properly until I was 15. It seems that you are on the road to self-acceptance but haven't quite reached a solid end yet. It takes time but you will get there eventually. I guess I could say, just let yourself go to wherever love takes you, and don't force yourself to do anything that doesn't feel right, and you're bound to find yourself eventually. (*hug*)

If you wanna talk, feel free to PM

 

Hey, well... EC is deffinatly a brilliant place to sort everything out. Like Heartqueen my story is also very similar. As in I have never been attracted to guys, was always more attracted to girls but because the idea of being gay scared me I denied it for ages.

In terms of trying to sort out all your feelings the best way to start is trying not to ignore/ be in denial about any of your feelings. I know it is easier said than done but if you just try to see what comes more naturally to you - who you are more attracted to then that is probably the best way to start sorting it all out. It is a very long process totally accepting yourself, but believe me it feels so much better when you stop trying to ignore the feelings you first of all "don't want to be getting" and accept them. There really is nothing wrong with being gay/bi/whatever as long as you are happy with yourself.

"She was sitting kind of close to me and suddenly, I had this urge to kiss her...

...and it freaked me out." - I can totally empathise with this, the amount of times it has happened to me, but in the end as I have been told so many times feelings are fine, its actions that can hurt - what I mean by this is that if you are attracted to the same sex its perfectly natural to have feelings like this towards people you find attractive, and this is fine as long as you don't act on them when it's not appropriate lol.

"During this time of questioning myself, I've come to realize that I seem to subconsciously look at woman's chests more than I should. I know that I've been doing that for a long time, but I just noticed a few weeks ago (and I've stopped doing so.)" - I also had this same experience. When I started to realise I wasn't attracted to all the guys my friends were obsessing over I went on a sort of quest to find guys I found attractive. Of course this didn't work and as I started to notice what I was attracted to I also realised that I far prefered woman's chests than 6 packs. I was really freaked out and also tryed to stop but it doesnt really work. I'm not trying to tell you to stare at every hot girls chest, all I'm saying is that it is okay to have these feelings, you don't have to hide them or stop doing it just because some people say its not right.

It really is hard getting used to the idea that... "ARRGGGG I THINK I'M GAY" (well... that was my first reaction lol) but it gets easier over time. Try to talk to people who have been throught the whole process - such as others on EC or any gay friends you may have, but don't rush anything. Just do what feels right and don't stop any of your feelings because they "aren't supposed to be there."

The longer I have been here the more I find it amazing how brilliant so many of us are at hiding our feelings and being in denial about being gay - even when it's hitting you in the face. I should have realised ages ago but its a bit scary.. so you're not being slow just its a wierd thing to realise.

Anyway I have rambled for too long now, but I just wanted to show you are not alone even if everything else I have said makes no sense what so ever. Well... Good luck with everything and I hope everything sorts its self out for you. It can be really confusing but I'm sure it will all work out in the end!!

Welcome to EC by the way!

 

My story is similar as well.
All through my life, I've found myself more interested in girls. Looking at them with every feature and just studying them. I would study their face, hair style, and their body and I would think some looked really cute. And, surprisingly on my part, it always felt normal to me. Never odd.

I'm not exactly the most "girly" person you would meet. I do have some feminine aspects of me, but that's only apart of me. I've always been a tomboy. Everytime I was forced to wear a dress, skirt, short shorts, I honestly never felt comfortable in them. I always have felt normally comfortable in jeans rather than skirts, long gym shorts than short shorts. Everytime I'm with one of my girl crushes, I've always felt I had to act somewhat masculine to them and everyone else around me - to not look so weak with feminism. To prove I can be strong. I've always felt like I should protect girls, too; To be their shelter.

By my first year in middle school, I realized I liked girls. I would constantly look at their chests without thinking and think it was sexy. I would also look constantly at their butts too, without thinking at all. I always thought girls faces looked more attractive than males.

Now, all through my wondering and realizing this, a bunch of my friends would talk about this and that guy and exclaim how hot they were. Everytime I was included in a conversation like this I would get really bored. They would talk for hours about boys and I would keep wondering "What's so great about guys? They're not THAT great." I never understood why my friends obsessed over guys so much while I didn't.

I did get afraid after thinking about all this. It made me feel so alien to society and to the peers around me, yet everytime I kept thinking those thoughts and understanding them with "my" feelings it all seemed normal. I became scared and began thinking I was the weirdest person walking along earth. That all of this was not normal at all and would not be acceptable to think like it. So I tried to deny it.

Denial didn't last long, my friend. It never does. I always came back to my original thoughts and feelings. Everytime I pushed them away, they would be stronger. Not to mention, I had a religous friend who knew about my confusion and literally SHOVED down my throat about me going to hell if I didn't stop having these feelings. But, it kept coming back. There were times I pretended that it was gone and everything was "normal". Well, I never felt "normal" everytime I did that. My feelings would always come back. For three years, I dealt with this scenario.

So, I finally accepted my sexuality and realized this is who I am. If I kept pushing back my feelings, my life would be a lie to me and I didn't want that.

I came out to one of my camp counselors a few weeks back recently and she had told me it could've been a phase. Yes, this could be a phase. It could actually be a three year phase for me. Who knows? I might wake up straight tomorrow. But in the end, she had told me it is on YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS.
Right now, my personal feelings is that I find girls attractive and boys somewhat as well. Can my personal feelings change? Yes, it certainly can.

So stick to YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS and it'll all work out in the end.

PM me if you want to talk. Welcome to EC! (*hug*)

 

'Nother similar story here. I've found myself looking at girls since I was 13, but I'd almost dismiss it as me "sizing myself up". Besides, I did look at guys, too... although, now knowing that I'm mostly attracted to females (although not exclusively) I now realize I was mostly forcing myself to do so. Then, almost three years later, I had a bit of a light bulb moment, and it hit me that, yes, I did like girls.

I think that, as you said, it is no help that we're all so awash in heterosexuality that the thought of being anything but never crosses most peoples' minds, and if it does, we force ourselves not to think about it.

But all in all, the best thing to do is not try and convince yourself that you're straight, bi, or lesbian. Just let yourself think and feel what you naturally want to, and eventually, it should become more obvious.

 

I'm much the same. "It kind of seems like I've been coated with so many heterosexual ideas and images that I never gave myself to think about myself being anything else" sounds exactly like the way I felt for a long time. I assumed I was straight when I was younger, because I didn't really know anything different. You're most definitely not alone. If you need to talk this through with someone, feel free to PM me.

 

Hi Shadow!

Obviously your situation is quite similar than me.

I discovered that I'm bi ever since I entered college. Before that I didn't notice any of these.

I found myself liking and crushing on my another friend back in the high-school days, during the O-Levels and the A-Levels period. I was indirectly infatuated too, and sometimes, I fantasize about him. I thought it was just something (maybe my imaginations), so I brushed these feelings off.

However, it isn't. Of course, I had also feelings for girls, and also thinking of going after them. In the same time, I have much interest of men too. I finally did start noticing that I'm bi since when I was 20, when I found myself seriously enjoying uh... gay porn for the first time. In fact I wasn't turned off by the idea at all - I felt awesome!

Then later when I entered college, in ENgineering course, where there's predominantly men, I get the best kind of eye-candies there. You know... yeah,some of them are hot, some of them are cool, you name it!

In the meantime, I'm *still* after girls despite myself enjoying men so much. I once intended to court a girl in my course but she has a girl partner - lesbian. Nah, never mind about it. Still, we were friends. The whole thing is, I'm very picky about girls, and it took probably too much for a woman to get my attention.

So, I concluded that I'm pretty bi, since I liked men and woman. The proportion could be leaning towards men, but I didn't even bothered to set up a ratio of this.

In the end, I'm happy the way I am. It's okay if my parents don't want to accept it. Sooner or later they are going to be. I don't want to wrestle about this kind of thing anymore!

Be it as it may, I'll get a boyfriend and/or girlfriend, or whichever rocks my boat!!!!!