Hi everyone. So I recently decided I'm going to come out to my family in a few weeks. My mom invited me to dinner with just her for my birthday, and I thought I'd tell her then. (I'm suspicious that she's going to ask me if I'm gay.. again...). Anyway, I'm wondering how I should do it and when? Would it be weird in the restaurant, while we're eating, to tell her I'm gay? Should I suggest we talk at her house and tell her then? I'm also thinking of telling my mom, and then just facebook messaging everyone else in my family in a group. Also, how should I start the conversation. Should I just rip the bandaid off and say it very bluntly, or should I lead up to it with "I've never really been happy, and I feel like I've been lying to myself all these years" kind of stuff? I'll try reading what you guys did and see if any sound good for me. Thanks!
Well, if your mom asks you, then it would be an oppertune moment to come out to her. But the way you're saying it, it sounds like she may already know, so she may just be waiting for you to come out to her. About the where and when: I suggest coming out to your mom in private, and then, with her support, come out to the rest of the family at dinner, or something. If you're not ready for questions and such, or you only want some of them to know, I suggest you come out over Facebook to them. However, it's ultimately your decision, you know your family better than we do.
I'm pretty sure she knows. I messed around with three different friends when I was younger, and I remember she asked me if I was when I was about your age. When I come out, I really don't want to be asked questions though. Like if she asks me what types of guys I like or something, I think I'd just about die. But since we're going to a restaurant, I don't know if it would be good to come out there. Like what if she cries or gets really emotional, or what if I do? Since we're taking separate cars, I can't really talk to her there, so the only thing I can think of is to meet somewhere else, or go to her house and talk in private there. The last one is kind of weird though because everyone else is in the house and I'd have to say bye to leave, and I kind of just want to tell her and then leave and not talk about it, just to let things sink in for both of us. Also, in case it wasn't obvious, I don't live with my parents anymore, and I think a phone call is a little too impersonal for my mom. I feel like she deserves to hear it in person. I kind of want to really unload everything on my mind and tell her about how long I've been hiding this and stuff, but I don't know if she'll really care. We don't really talk about such personal things in my family.
I think the words you choose to come-out should reflect the type of relationship you have. I am not close to my mother, so I was both very blunt and very honest. She rejected me and assured me she would never accept it-nor should I ask her to. I think finding the words is for you more than the other person. Also, I recommend not doing it in public as she should be allowed a genuine reaction which might be hindered in a social setting. Being that she has already asked you about your sexuality in the past is a great indication that she will be accepting. Most parent's who deeply struggle can't even hear the words, much less love their children despite themselves. Best of luck!
Okay, so I told my mom, and she was accepting. I was meandering around the topic and couldn't actually say "I am gay", so she just blurted it out and asked me very bluntly, and I just said yeah. My dad on the other hand, I could not find the words to tell him in person and I thought I could call him instead, but was shaking and hyperventilating from anxiety. So I texted him and I haven;t heard back yet. He said he would call me today, yesterday, so I guess then we can talk about it and it's much easier now because he knows.
Keep us posted, particularly if you get a negative reaction from him, so we can help you deal with it. If they don't have a clue beforehand, there might be a "shock and awe" initial reaction, but since he is taking his time to think about what to say, it means that he cares about you and wants to "get it right" instead of blurting out in anger. That seems to me like a hopeful sign, even though you are probably wringing your hands right now wondering what he is going to say. Be positive, think positive; regardless of what he thinks about it, you have crossed the biggest hurdle of coming out to yourself, so everything is going to eventually be alright.
Okay, so he messaged me back and basically is confused why I was so nervous and everything. He was saying that it wasn't a big deal at all and that I'm still his son and he loves me. He also was saying I waited too long. Well this is a big relief! It feels so weird though. Now all I can think about is that they are imaging what kind of guys I like, if I'm a top/bottom, and all that sort of stuff. They probably aren't, but it's going to feel so awkward when I see them again.
Congratulations to you! Don't worry about what they are thinking. Trust me, the last thing they would want on their mind is whether their son is top or bottom. Haha.. Just stay with them the same as you have always been!
