alright. last night i was partying with some friends, and without planning or anything, i came out to three of them. Nobody expected it. I've been in half-denial about it, and I'm really straight acting so nobody would have really considered it, but it has been weighing down on me for a really long time. I'm off to college next year, so i've been meaning to figure something out, but i didn't expect myself to be able to say anything. i don't know if I'm glad about my decision yet. i'm fine when i drink in terms of not really worrying about it, but after smoking a big joint, i just started noticing how much it was eating away at me. it made me feel shitty, and i got sick, and after throwing up like three times, i figured i should just say it. three people were in the car. two of them were good friends of mine, one of them i'd consider my best friend. there was also a girl who i think might tell other people though i told her not to. i haven't told my parents, because theyre a little bit psychotic in general, especially about gays. I want to start figuring out who i am before i go to college next year, but i don't want to put myself in a bad decision because of an impulsive decision i made. all comments are appreciated.
hmmm... I don't think you can really just figure out who you are in a time period, it just sort of happens over time if that makes sense?? It's really good your starting to try and figure it all out though, starting to do that sometimes takes the most amount of time - so keep at it. In terms of coming out and bad decisions- you have already told three people, they know now and there isn't much you can do about those three people except try not to worry about them. At least now you have people to talk to about it all, and hopefully they can help you "figure everything out." With parents and other people just take it as it comes. If you feel ready to tell others, then do it, just don't feel forced into doing something your not comfortable with. Really it is all up to you and what you want to do, no one can really tell you the best actions to take - it would be alot easier if they could but unfortunatly it doesn't really work that way. Good luck with everything anyway!!
Weclome to EC! I think that a lot of us, myself included, have come out to people unintentionally when under the influence of alcohol, or in your case, other things too. In such situations, I think that it is a signal that we are really not coping with keeping it all inside, and that it happens because our sexuality concerns are forcing themselves nearer the top of our thoughts, so that they come out when we loose a bit of control, such as when drunk. For this reason I think that it is probably good that you came out to some friends: you clearly needed to. You say that one is like your best friend - this is good. The fact is, you are out to them now, and there is nothing you can do about it, but take advantage of it. I would DEFINATELY try and have follow-up conversations with all three of them. First of all, as you have already done, to try and get across that you wish them to keep quite about it for the time being. And second of all, so that you have people in real life to discuss things with - which is VERY important. I hope that they are people you feel you could talk about things with. But even if they aren't, you really should have follow-up conversations with them. As for telling your parents: the fact that you have come out to three friends does not mean that you have to come out to your parents. There is no time limit to this, and you should not set yourself one. I don't know, but I'm of the opinion that when you want and are able to come out to them, you'll know, and you will. Figuring yourself out also has no time limit. The way that you figure yourself out is through living, through the various situations you find yourself in and the experiences and feelings you have over the course of your life. Therefore, I don't believe that you can say "I'll figure myself out by ---". It is possible to have a fairly certain idea about certain things, if most things in your life have pointed a particular way, but as a general rule, I don't believe you can rush "figuring yourself out": this is something you discover through life experiences, and therefore take a while. What you can do is analyse your life so far (although I wouldn't over-analyse, as therein lies madness), but try not to rush it
Hi and Welcome to EC! You kept it inside of you for some time. It can become overwhelming as we want others to know who we really are and want to talk about it. It is good that you have good friends to talk to. I do agree with ccdd that you should have a follow-up conversation with them. I think this would also allow your friends to ask you questions if they have any or just talk with you about it which can only help you in the long run as well. Now that you have come out to three good and best friends and it looks like (at least from your post) that it went well, you've probably had the feeling that it would be great to come out to others as well. But take your time. There is no rush in telling your parents or anyone else for that matter. Figuring out who you are, what your identity is, is a lot more important at this stage than coming out to others. It might take some time but that's okay. As you figure out your identity, you will also become comfortable with yourself and feelings which will also prepare you for coming out to your parents. You will know when you are ready. Good Luck! Hope all goes well for you as you discover your identity and continue the journey
first of all, thanks for the replies. my friends have been very supportive. both of them came over after work and hung out, talked about stuff, and i ended up talking to one of them till 4 in the morning, just talking about our personal shit, and letting him ask questions. i'm thinking about telling his mom with him, because she's seen a lot in her experiences, and i think she'd be a good resource. i think so too. it's pressure off my back now that i've told friends, but they can't really have much personal advice about the subject. none of us really know any out people, especially our age. i don't know if i should get a therapist, first of all because i'm not sure if it's necessary, second of all because it would be awkward with my parents. there are definitely teachers and people i can talk to, my friends talked to a gay couple who live close by about it, and they printed out a bunch of resources for me. it's hard though, to accept it, even after talking about it. I still don't really know how I should act, if that makes any sense. How did you guys change after coming out?
Hi! I'm glad that your coming out went really well. It's great that your friends are very supportive. Although they might not be able to give you the kind of advice you would probably like to get it is still good that you have someone that you can talk to and that will listen to you. I think it is a great idea that you plan to visit one of your friend's mom. At this stage, any resource that you have at your disposal is very important....so yeah take advantage of it whenever you can. It is really up to you whether you want to see a counselor/therapist. From my experience talking to a counselor/therapist can help. Sometimes talking to them allows us to think about things that we have not considered before. A counselor/therapist can also help you in going through the processes of figuring out your identity. I have learned that talking to a counselor is in many ways a rewarding experience as I started to think about things differently and it allowed me to come to terms with my sexuality fully as I was able to speak about it and processes my thoughts out loud. I don't think that it would be odd to talk to a counselor/therapist just because your parents are teachers. Talking to a counselor/therapist gives you the freedom to fully explore your feelings without any fears of how your parents might or could react. As long as you haven't figured out your identity, it will be hard to accept it. This is just the way it goes and it is completely normal. Once you have figured out your identity it will be a lot easier to accept it. It is important that you are yourself. A major motivation for my coming out was the want and need to be myself. I wanted to stop the acting (pretending being someone that I'm not) and hiding. Although I have only come out to a Counselor and to a very good friend of mine thus far, I feel different and happier. As I have started to become more comfortable with my sexuality I realized that my attitude to a number of things has changed. Basically I started to see things differently. All these changes have in turn allowed me to become even more confident about who I am as a person. Hope this helps!
I feel like I became a whole different person after I came out. In reality, it was more like I became a lot more me than I had been before. Primarily (for me) I became a hell of a lot more social and confident in situations with other people. Maybe even a little over-confident in certain circumstances *grin* but overall it was a very, very good, very positive experience. Probably the best part was feeling like I had figured out how I "fit" into the world, and into society, and realising that a big part of why I had always felt like an outsider was because in a lot of ways I was very much an outsider and I just hadn't realised why. Not that me being gay was the only reason I didn't feel like I fit in but it was definitely this huge thing that I had subconsciously avoided facing and that had kinda kept me at a distance from most of life. Yeah, so everyone pretty much wants to belong and there is no unbelonging quite as intense as being non-straight in a predominantly straight world--and either not realising what's going on or worse yet, deliberately trying to hide it.
