Coming out as MtF Transwoman

I have never had so much anxiety in my life, I used to think I was just bi-sexual or gay, but over the last couple years I have realized I have gender identity issues and am leaning towards identifying as a woman. I simply do not feel at home in my male body.

I was born male with hypospadias a condition that affects the amount of androgyne/testosterone in the body of some males. In some cases if a male has an extreme version of it he will be raised as a girl with SAS at birth (that did not happen to me but I feel I have M & F chromosomes).

Anyway I'm pretty sure my brain identifies more as a female but I have not taken the measures to dress or present as a woman due to fear and not knowing any transwomen. I have come out to my parents and girlfriend all of whom have told me they would help me do whatever it takes. My girlfriend is so amazing she has told me she loves me and would become a man if need be, she is so accepting it is unbelievable.

The problem is I cannot accept myself as a woman, and I have a good job and cannot see myself presenting at work at anytime. I'd rather quit, I already don't really like my job.

I have a huge fear of losing my sexual identity, and the idea of having SAS scares me tremendously, even though I'm not happy how I am now, and I like the idea of becoming fully female, but losing my sex organs seems like too much to bear psychologically if it doesn't turn out right.

Sitting in limbo like this just causes more anxiety and lack of sleep and inability to eat, it's hard to describe how much suffering is going on in my head and how my ego resorts to fantasies of ending my life rather than face reality.

It's so hard to imagine coming out to friends or other relatives or presenting as a woman. I'm locked in fear for now, but if I could bridge the gap somehow I might be able to help others.

I hope this becomes easier for future generations.

I need advice, thanks in advance.

 

Thank you for the advice transqueer, you're right, I'm going to see a gender therapist in the next couple weeks. It's so confusing and hard to accept, I feel like my whole life is getting turned upside down. I guess I will identify as gender fluid right now.

There are very few examples around me and I automatically default to thinking that if I transition in anyway it will be so challenging. But right now I am suffering so much I need to take some steps forward to release the anxiety. It's also so difficult knowing that other people can't feel or understand what you are going through.