I'm 19 years old girl and I know this is my first post, but I really need a help with this. I am bisexual and my friends know this. Also I have no problem with telling this to other people, because I am not ashamed of my sexual orientation. It's only my mother who I cannot tell this. And lately this has been killing me and I can feel that I am getting distant with my mother. And I really don't want that, because I've lost my father years ago and she's the only one that I've got. I love my mother, I really do. And I thought she would be cool about things like these. I asked how she feels about same-sex/bisexual couples and she said that she doesn't like them and that gay/bisexual people are sick and twisted. She said that she is disgusted by people like that. Then I asked what would be if I would happen to like a girl. Well... at that time she got REALLY angry with me and she said that if that happened that I better not come home at all. She said that her daughter couldn't date a girl. I've wanted to tell her that I like girls too. I mean, I've tried. I wrote it in a diary how I like a girl in my class and I left it unlocked on my bed, because I knew that my mother would read it. She did and she came to me. She said that I was just going through a phase. I wanted to tell her that this is not true, but after she told me that she would throw me out of the house if I liked girls, I just kept quiet. After that we never spoke about this again. I knew that she was still curious about it, but after I got a boyfriend she stopped wondering about it. I could tell that she was relieved. I had only one girlfriend before. She really meant a lot to me, but I lost her, because we were always hiding from my mother. She got sick of this and she broke up with me. But now, I really want her to know that this isn't just a phase. I want her to know the real me, but I am afraid, because I know what would happen if I tell her the truth. I don't know it just makes me sad to think that my own mother my hate me because of this. Sometimes I really do wish that I was straight... And I did suffer a lot in the past (I mean I still do). Idk, does anyone of you have this kind of experience? I really need help.
Unless very, very necessary, do not do it. For a parent who is homophobic, coming out to them would be like a betrayal, as if you just denounce yourself to be their child. It is nearly impossible to come out without a fall out between you two. Make up your mind, and ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" If you still decide to do so, I recommend you to start finding ways to be self-sufficient. Look for jobs, find places you can live, either on your own, or with a teacher, friend, girlfriend, or other relatives that will accept you - be careful and don't let people use you though, no telling what they would do when they know they are the only place left you can run to. Find someone you trust. Keep contacts of LGBT support organizations, as they can provide you with much help in a pinch, maybe a member will even offer a place to stay. Make a backup plan to be ready to separate from the house permanently, or at least for a long, long time. After you finish to make your backup plan, it will be time for you to tell her. Do it quick and short. Tell her what you have done to be ready if she decide to kick you out. Show that you are serious about being who you are, and you won't succumb to her demand. Then leave. Live away until she call you. Let she digest through all it and let the shock subsides. Usually mothers, if they truly care about their child, will call their child back, either to plead them to change, or accept that they are who they are, and no matter what, they are still their child. Unless your mother accept you, don't come back. It will be hard for you both. If she don't call back, then it is it between you two. Don't be impatient though, it can takes years for a person to change their mind. So knowing this, do you still want to? You can still live on in hiding, make sacrifice from your own happiness to preserve this strained relationship, if you wish to. It will still be awkward. But perhaps, if you just keep at it long enough, maybe she will see that is not just a phase, and will either do something about it, or accept you. Either way, make plans to be ready.
First off, welcome to EC. You've found the right place for dealing with things like this. Secondly, your safety is the first priority here. I know that you said you're 19, do you have a job? In the event that the worst did happen (your mother kicking you out of the house), do you have a place to go? If the answer is no, I'd delay coming out to your mother until the answer is yes for reasons of personal safety. I know it sucks having to hide a major part of who you are from the people that you love the most, but all indications here point to an extremely negative reaction from your mother, and you have to be safe. Once you're financially independent, then the situation becomes tricky. The reaction will be no less negative (likely), but you still need to make a risk/reward decision of the results of coming out to her. Is there a possibility that she won't speak to you ever again? Is that a risk that you're willing to take in order to have her see the full you? Also, while it may be difficult to believe, sometimes people like that can make "exceptions" when the person that comes out is close to them. It may take her awhile to get used to the idea, and your relationship may be strained for a period of months to years. However, in time I think she'll come around.
