Iam gay. In my last post i said that i was learning to except it but since then Ive gone backwards, Im terrified and i really don't wanna be. I wanna be happy with who iam and just get on with my life and to have somebody to be with like very other teenager my age. I want somebody to love, not necessary for life, i just want somebody. I'm so scared nobody will except me. For years i have dreamt of moving away and as Ive got older the dream seems more and more like reality. I want to move to Brighton in the UK. Ideally id love to move to Australia but to that id have to go to collage and get qualifications. I suppose i want to move so that i can be somebody else, so that i can start my life from scratch. Ive recently started talking to somebody again. This boy, for years we would fool around with each other, yea know, suck each other off, wank each other off, but then we stopped and lost contact. When talking to him i brought up what we used to do together and he agreed that it was good but since then he has completely ignored me. I think, i think i love him. And i know that might sound stupid and pathetic but i think i do. He was my first ever really crush and seeing him and talking to him again has brought back all these feeling except this time there 1 million percent stronger. But it seems he has managed to put aside and forgotten everything we did and says he is straight. Him + Straight = Me, Gutted. I know who i want to be. I want to be the openly gay man who isn't afraid to admit it. I want to wear what i want and to do what i want. I want to have a kick ass attitude and pair of kick ass heels to go with it, and when i say i want a pair of heels, it doesn't mean i want to be a girl. But i cant do anything i want to do here, in Dublin. It just wont work. Currently I'm planning to finish school, by then I'm planning to have told my closest friends about my sexuality. Then ill tell my parent. Then ill ask my friend to come with me and to move to Brighton with me. If She says no then ill go anyway. Its something that i have to do.
Yeah man, it's hard. Hang in there. I totally felt that way about a year ago. I guess I got over it by telling people. I was scared shitless when I told people. I mean really, it's a scary thing to tell someone that you're gay. It was for me anyway. But as I told more people, I cared less. I guess my advice for you is to find someone that you can tell, face to face. Make sure that this is a person you can trust and that can keep a secret for however long you want/need them to.
You can be that same person and still be gay. You can find someone that will love you. You can be happy with who you are. You can still move on to Brighton. You can do all of this and more and still be that out and proud gay man that you described. Remember, normalcy is relative. We define what normal is, Why should we exclude ourselves from the norm, when we are just as normal as anyone else? Don't see look at yourself as a gay teenager, rather look at yourself as a teenager who happens to be gay. This is defining yourself, therefore, not allowing others to define you. This empowers you to do the things you want to do.
If the circusmtances is that extreme then you should move away. But you don't know that until you tell your friends and family, not until you trully accept who you. You still have a long times to think about this, don't be afraid. If you're that afraid and lonely, you can always contact me and Emptycloset. :icon_bigg
