at one point I thought I was straight then I thought I was bi. Now I dunno. Really fem gay/bi guys aren't attractive to me at all and seeing 2 guys kiss or hold hands kind of weirds me out a bit. But I think guys are attractive, same with girls. But the thought of intercourse with a guy repulses me a little it doesn't repulse me at all with girls. I do find myself emotionally connected to guys sometimes... Again girls too. And with girls I want to be dominate but I want to be held by a guy and protected and stuff... Can you help me figure why I'm so conflicted? Am I straight and curious or what?
I think you have some internalized homophobia that's preventing you from fully accepting yourself. Whether you're bi, straight or gay is up in the air. Only you know for sure. How is your town/city on acceptance? Are they liberal, conservative? How about your upbringing? Parents accepting?
there are tons of gay/bi people around here. I don't think my parents would care. I don't know. Is it possible to be homophobic of yourself?
Quite. I went down that road for a while when I was in the 7th/8th grade. I hated everything about homosexuality because I was horrified that I might be gay. I grew up in a very homophobic household and a moderately homophobic school. All I knew was that homosexuality was wrong. Nothing more, nothing less. Every gay person is a heathen, sexual deviant, irresponsible wrong-doer. But, after a bitter battle with mild-depression I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I began to realize that being gay is not who I am. I do not follow any of the stereotypes, I am who I am and being gay just happens to be one aspect of my life. To this day, I'm still not 100% secure with myself regarding being gay, but I'm working on it. I hope you find comfort in the fact that you're not alone with what you're experiencing right now, and I hope that you can get through it with your sanity.
Hi! The feelings of 'insecurity' that you are having are very normal. It sounds like that you have only recently begun to question your identity or trying to figure out what is going on. You don't have to go through this process all by yourself. You are not alone in this. Stick around on EC. When I was your age I began to question everything as well, as I realized that I have feelings for guys. Over time the feelings for guys grew stronger but at the same time I denied it as I did have internalized homophobia (probably because of the way I was brought up and being afraid of what could happen if it turns out that I am gay). It sounds like that this is what you are going through as well, but it is possible that you are just curious at this stage. What might help, try noting the feelings that you do develop towards guys and girls over a longer period of time and see where this might lead you. In particular note any changes in the feelings that you do have. Don't be afraid of examining it fully. Do take your time with it. You could also talk to a counselor who could also help you in figuring out your identity. Often when we process our thoughts out loud it can help us to see things clearer, and make sense of them. I hope this is of some help!
I think it's totally possible to be homophobic of yourself, at least from my personal experience. I started actively questioning during my junior year of high school and had a really rough personal dialogue with myself. Being queer in any respect didn't make sense to me on a surface level, as I definitely had romantic/sexual attractions toward women (and bisexuality at first wasn't a possibility on my mind), and I didn't seem to fit many of the "gay" stereotypes that I was aware of. And my image of men/men relationships was kind-of unappealing to me as it is to you: two "effeminate" guys making out didn't really interest me... and even if I found myself imagining randomly what would later become my fantasy for a male/male relationship, it made me feel really, really uncomfortable. However, I realized that, for myself at least, the reason that that made me feel uncomfortable was that I was uncomfortable with the idea of me being queer because of cultural criticism and stereotyping and all of the emotional issues that ride on being gay in this society. That I was able to form romantic/sexual ideals for both genders was something that I needed to address and figure out, I realized. That isn't to say that you still shouldn't question a little (it takes time to figure these things out, and sometimes you don't feel sure, I know), but know that it's definitely possible that you might feel bad about yourself for reasons that don't necessarily mean that you aren't bisexual or anything of the sort. As a side note, I have different characteristics for my female/male relationship idealizations as well, so, if you're willing to take at least two data points as being indicative of a trend, I'd say that that's pretty normal.
