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Never told this story to anyone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 4loveofcats, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. 4loveofcats

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    This is the story of me and my best friend. I’ve never talked openly to anyone about it, and I’d love if I could hear some opinions. I think he’s straight but I don’t know.

    In Elementary and Middle school, I was very emotionally and socially reserved. I'm ridiculously anxious and have had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I'm incredibly insecure, and social interactions also made me very nervous.

    But at the same time, I've known from an early age that, under the right circumstances, I can be very charismatic and entertaining. One thing I crave most is being the center of attention and for people to adore me and think I'm "special".

    I also have slowly come to realize that I'm attracted to guys. I can't even type the word gay, so you can probably guess what stage in acceptance I'm at.

    Anyway, in my sophomore year of high school, I was very reserved, cynical, occasionally depressed. I enjoyed myself but mostly I figured I would never be one of the socially "normal" people I admired. I wanted to be one of those people who could act themselves and not think so damn much about it.

    I had a sort-of-friend that I knew from 7th grade that we'll call Gabe. Everyone loved Gabe, but his one sort of defining characteristic at the time was how short he was. He'd always been like 4 years behind of everyone else in development, so he was like 5' in 10th grade. But he was crazy and loved to make stupid jokes and weird faces. He was just very much full of positive energy. Always smiling you know. He wasn't "popular", but popular kids all loved him and occasionally would hang out with him. He was also very attractive in a young looking way so girls were always glad to talk to him, though they never took him seriously because of his height.

    We had eaten lunch together a few years back, so we knew each other, but not super well. I knew that he liked me though, and he seemed to look up to me.

    We had a language arts class together with Mrs. Clarke, who also plays an important role in my life. I knew I was smarter than average, but before then I was very negative and self-deprecating. However, Mrs. Clarke thought differently. She thought I was extremely talented and loved me and my writing. She praised me so much that it became a joke to everyone in her class.

    Gabe agreed with Mrs. Clarke. He always asked me to work on projects with him. He had the reputation of being a slacker, but I didn't care because I thought Gabe was extremely cool. I was also very attracted to him, though of course I wouldn't admit it. But we started working on projects and he started initiating a friendship.

    I'm a filmmaker, and Gabe and I worked on a video project that was really cool. Afterwards, he decided I was a genius. Texted me every day, always wanted my opinion, treated my advice as gospel. Blatantly admired me. People would make comments to me about how much he liked me. I was confused but I loved it.

    Over winter break we had plans to produce a short film together. We met at his house to work on the story, but actually we talked about life for 4 hours. I was amazed by his optimistic and beautiful view on life. You have to understand that I'm a naturally cynical person (comes from my misanthropic dad), but I really admire idealists. And Gabe is as idealistic as they come.

    I was awestruck. That night I saw into the soul of a kid with deep insecurities, deep fears, and a lot of crushed dreams, but more importantly he had this deep passion for life that made him so damn happy. I wanted that passion so bad. I wanted that hope! He was my Jay Gatsby.

    That night I told him about my issues with anxiety and depression. I had never told anyone before. He treated it with such respect and understanding. He said he would help me whenever I needed it. He said I deserved to be happy. I said I loved feeling special, and Jesus Christ did I feel special that night.

    I was a different person.

    Gabe and I became better and better friends over that school year. The following summer, he watched Fight Club and got really into adrenaline and that whole thing. I was mature enough to know that that was a phase every high school boy goes through, but I found his sincerity inspiring and fucking adorable.

    We began to experiment with weed for the first time, and really bonded over that. It was religious for us. God I miss those days. Having to get our parents to drive us over to each other's house to get high. It was magical.

    We became really obsessed with weed the next semester. Talked about it all the time. At lunch he would ignore everyone else, lean in close so he could talk quietly, and just monolog about life. Everyone thought it was fucking weird but I secretly loved it. Sometimes he would talk about jacking off or his dick, and I thought that was hot obviously.

    At this point, we were hanging out a ton and texting every day. I'm sure we were both thinking "is this gay?" but we didn't say anything. But I know we both hid the extent of our friendship from others. It was kind of a weird thing.

    But we also really believed in each other and got each other better grades and stuff. Our friendship, from the beginning, was founded in how much we appreciated each other. Before long we would even say “I love you”.

    Once when we were super drunk the subject came up and I told him "we're not gay. I have no desire to kiss you right now."

    Gabe's face lit up. "Me neither! You're right, we're not gay! That proves it". He looked relieved.

    In another drunken episode we saw each other's (mostly flaccid) dicks and compared.

    I should note here that Gabe was known to be kind of an exhibitionist and would flash people to get attention.

    But after that, I started seeing his penis a lot, often erect. We'd usually both end up with ours out and we'd start masturbating, but one of us would go into the bathroom to cum.

    I knew without a doubt that Gabe was into women, but I wondered at this point obviously if he was into guys too.

    It's also around now that our relationship became very one-sided when it came to helping each other. I would do a lot of his school work, I would pay for him a lot, etc. His family was poor, I didn't think much of it, but it was the start of a dangerous trend.

    Right before senior year, I went to the beach with his family. We shared a room and brought alcohol and met girls and it was a fucking blast. We also saw each other naked a lot. This was the first time we jacked off to cum in front of each other. He accidentally came on my arm and we laughed about it.

    The last day, we went up to change out of our bathing suits, and we both started to get hard. I was really horny and it was obvious to Gabe that I wanted to jack off. He followed suit. We were looking at each other's penises and talking about them and stuff. He was enamored by my size and looked, at one point, like he wanted to touch it.

    I asked "want to touch?". He looked terrified. I asked again. He gave me a stroke and laughed about how weird it was to have foreskin. I told him it felt really good. He started stroking me. When he stopped I asked if I could touch him. He said yeah, and i started stroking him, but he quickly removed my hand. Then he kneeled to get a good angle and started jacking me off again. I told him to go faster, and he told me to tell him to stop so i wouldn't cum. It felt so good that it happened real fast. I said "stop", grabbed it myself and came. He looked terrified and turned on. Immediately after he turned away from me and came himself. We were totally sober.

    Afterward we both felt sick and said we wouldn't' talk about it.

    A few months later, we got high and had a religious experience. This was probably the peak in our friendship, but it got weird. He started this system where we would text each other "____, I'll be a better person" every time we woke up and "signing off" every time we went to sleep. Our motto was "we're gonna be legends". We thought we were destined for greatness. We eagerly awaited our private weed sessions that we were having only twice a month to preserve the specialness.

    One night we were super high and I started thinking about how awesome his hand job felt. I asked him if we might try again, this time to cum, as long as we did it purely for pleasure. He didn't want to. He thought it would make things weird. I was upset, but said okay. We decided to masturbate ourselves. I was sitting next to him, closing my eyes and enjoying the pleasure. I was close to cumin when he said "want a brother to help you finish?" Before I even processed what he was saying, he had his hand around my cock. He jacked me off to the greatest orgasm of my life, but afterwards we both felt like shit. I started crying and said I'd ruined our friendship. We reconciled by reminding ourselves that we were high as fuck, and that we'd done it sober before and didn't seem to care. Also he blamed it on me.

    We became very sexually conservative with each other until Christmas break, when we were drunk one night and very horny. We both wanted to jack off, and eventually we were like "why not?". The taboo was gone. This began a weird period when we'd jack off in my bedroom once or twice a week. There was no touching, but it still didn't make sense why we did it together.

    Around the same time, I started dating one of our school's most popular girls. This was sort of the tipping point. Gabe started out cooler than me, but now I was inarguably cooler than him. He was jealous of our relationship and of the fact that I got a hot girl and went to cool parties. He always fucked up with girls. He has a problem in life when he lets his doubt get to him and that's what always happens. But of course we'd still jack off together.

    He was also increasingly dependent on me. He'd use me for food, I'd drive him just about anywhere, I'd do his homework, buy him cigs, everything. In computer science class, I'd literally take each test twice: once using sloppy but effective code so Gabe could copy, and then a second time with elegant code for my answers. I would do anything for him, and he knew it. He knew my insecurities and played on them to manipulate me. And at the same time I'd put him in debt to maintain my dominance.

    It was fucked up, but we still loved each other.

    I'd still go to be every night, hug my pillow pretending it was him, and thank God for making Gabe.
    And then the everything fell apart.

    We had had plans for years to attend the same college. I went through a lot of grief with my mom during the college search to ensure that I'd go to this school. I had to make up other reasons, of course, but I did it for him.

    But then his parents said he couldn't go. They said they could only afford for him to commute to a closer school. I freaked out. I devoted every minute of my life to helping him. I researched colleges obsessively, trying to find an argument. I applied to scholarships for him. I even argued to his parents on his behalf.

    He wanted it badly too, he's just a natural defeatist. I'm using to always getting what I want if I work hard enough at it, he's used to everything failing. This time we both failed. I was devastated.

    He had leave for school that summer. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do.

    One day before he left, we got really drunk. He said weird things about giving me a foot job, and before I knew it we were watching porn and he grabs my dick. I won't go into detail obviously, but we both got really into the mutual masturbation that night. In the morning Gabe didn't seem to care. "It's not gay if you don't use your mouth and you don't cum".

    Then he left. At college he had a blast. Free for the first time ever, he got high every day and got drunk every night. He made lots of friends cooler than me and had a new identity. He'd send me quick drunken texts and I'd get really sad.

    I didn't know how to handle myself. I openly told him that I couldn't' live without him. After years of pretending he liked me more than I liked him, I finally admitted the full extent of my dependence on him. I would insist on hanging out, but when we did I'd remember how much I missed him and get sad. I was paranoid of him replacing me. I told him how much I needed him and how much he was hurting me. Naturally, this creeped him out.

    It was the worst time ever, and it continued throughout my first semester of college. This was also the time where both of us, independently, realized that our high school relationship was not normal. It made me sad, but I think it profoundly shamed Gabe. Hanging out what super awkward.

    Yet I loved him, and as much as it hurt me, I much as I was afraid of never getting him back, I was more afraid of losing my love for him. That was the basis for my life the past 3 years. I depended on it.

    Gabe fell in love with a girl that semester, and although it really upset me at the time, it ended up bringing us back together. She was a bitch, and she used him to feel better about herself. She broke his heart, and he needed me to help him. Over winter break we reconnected. I realized then that we'd always be there for each other, even if things did change. I knew he didn't feel the same way about me as in high school, but I still hung on to my love.

    Then we went back to school. I decided to make my short film. I worked about 8 hours a day on it on top of school, and every weekend. I was seeing Gabe every weekend, but that didn't matter. I was obsessed with my project. I literally thought about nothing but work. I forgot all about my love and depression. I was numb.

    And then one day I woke up and remembered who I was. It freaked me out. I did a lot of introspection. I thought about my sexuality, and what I would eventually have to do. And I thought about Gabe, remembered how he made me feel every night, and realized it was gone. It felt weird. But I didn't have time to think about it; i had to finish my movie.

    Then, over the summer, we hung out more frequently than we had since high school. We became great friends again. And yet, it was totally different. There was no passion, no excitement. We don't pull each other up any more. We mock each other. We never do anything sexual. Some times I find him annoying. But he's my best friend, and I enjoy him.

    And now i'm back at school, in my first semester of year 2. I have a decent social life, but mostly I keep myself really busy with filmmaking. I'm really well respected for that. If I want to succeed, I need to devote my life to cinema, and I'm okay with that. I can't even conceive of coming out of the closet or being with openly with a man.

    But I still think about Gabe a lot. He used to be my Gatsby but I guess now he's my Daisy. The memory of our love is so lovely and haunting. In the good days, part of the reason why I wanted so badly not to be gay was so that our relationship wouldn't be just be a teenage affair. We talked about it as if it was something more than that. Like it was fate, like we were legends. Like whatever we had would last forever.

    But I guess I’m just gay. I guess we were just a couple of arrogant kids with crushes. Nothing special.