Hey guys, this might turn out to be pretty long, so thanks for bearing with me through it all if you take the time to read it I've been very down lately. I mean, I'm trying to look at my life in a positive way because I'm finally out to everyone and am completely comfortable with the fact. It's just the past week or so, I've been trying to watch some movies to maybe cheer me up. They are gay-themed movies of course, ones like 'Shelter' and 'Weekend'. Yeah, they make me happy, but deep down inside...I want what they in the movies, have, and I know that it's most likely not going to happen. I'm 18 years old...been out for a little over Seven months now, and I have yet to even have my first date...not even my first kiss yet. I've talked to guys, and have even had a crush on a few....really only over the internet, but still. The thing is, I can't get over the fact that I feel like I can't properly show my emotions. Every guy that I talk to for a bit, always says that he wants to make me happy, and I really want to say that back, but I'm just not a very personal person. It's almost like I'm afraid to get close....but I've never gotten the chance to, so why should I be? I'm really hating myself for feeling this way. No one will ever get the chance to actually know me because of this feeling, and I don't want to feel this way...but it's something I can't help. I love the idea of walking aroound campus holding my boyfriends hand, but thinking about it makes me uncomfortable, like I can't see myself doing that. I'm not sure if It's because I've gotten so used to the "Straight-Guy" act that I've put on all my life, or what, but it's very upsetting. Maybe it's because I haven't actually got to experience it yet, I dunno. It just seems like lately, it has really been bothering me to the point where I just want to cry...and the movies aren't helping, but I can't stop watching them because they make me happy until I start thinking about it again. I really don't know why I just started feeling like this out of nowhere, and it's hurting me a lot deep down. Thanks for listening to me blabber again you guys are awesome. I would just like to hear some advice on how to cope with this, I don't really have anyone that I'm comfortable talking to this about aside from all of you, so any help would mean the world! I just want to stop hurting, and actually be able to give someone a chance without leaving them hanging. Thanks again <3
I would try to make some gay friends in real life, rather than just diving into trying to "date" on the internet. It will make you more comfortable and have some people to confide in. It will put some faces and personalities to this idea "of being gay" that is in contradiction of the straight guy act you have put on your whole life. Plus you have a much better chance of making a meaningful connection, and people on the internet are mostly miss rather than hit. have you come out to anyone yet? I think if you haven't come out, you may be subconsciously afraid to get to close to people because you are hiding a certain (and huge) part of your personality. I know for me I always knew I was gay, but was in deep denial. Once even I accepted it, it still didn't feel real to me, like what does this even mean about me? I have put on this act so long and this huge, integral part of my life feel so foreign?
Hi HeyBeard, Try not to be so harsh on yourself. I understand how you feel. I also wish I have someone I can stroll down the street with and someone special I can text everyday with "good morning and good night" or that special someone I look forward to seeing. That special someone lying next to me when I wake up in the morning and cuddle to watch movies with. You are not alone. Many guys wish they have that so don't feel like you're the only one and feel too lonely. I would suggest you stop watching those movies for now. Stop fantasizing about your boyfriend/daydream. Go out more, whether with gay or straight friends. Just go out more. Get yourself to do something more active and learn to love yourself. Discover the things you like to do. Chances are, your special someone will probably be in the same location doing the same thing you enjoy doing. So you gotta get yourself out more. Another thing is, people naturally gravitate toward positive energy. So if you're happy and smiling, people will naturally approach you. Who would want to approach someone who is sad and lonely right? So be happy with yourself and smile As for your experience, trust me on this, you are not missing out on anything. Every individual has a chosen path. Don't rush it just because you "want to try or experience" just for the sake of it. You will regret it later. Take it easy. Let yourself breathe. Unwind. Less tension. As cliche as it sounds, you will know when the time is right. If you feel uncomfortable, stop. Chances are something is off and not right to make you feel uncomfortable. So don't rush into anything. Take your time. Hopefully I helped a little bit. Good luck with everything and stay strong!
Thanks for the response Ryan! I know that I shouldn't be diving in over the internet, and I'm not necessarily...I just find it easier to talk to people on the internet...maybe because I don't have to feel awkward about it. I think its because the internet is kinda where I first came out at, so i feel like it's easier to talk to some of the people on here. I really do want to meet more gay people in real life, and I'm sure that there are a bunch on campus, but I'm really shy at first..so I most likely won't be able to engage in a conversation first. I mean, there is a great LGBT program here, but I'm not the type of guy who will just show up at one...or a bar for example, just not my cup of tea. As for coming out, I am out to anyone that knows me...including parents and family. And I'm really proud of myself for that, I feel like that's one less burden off of my shoulders. After all that hapiness faded away and I got used to it, this feeling started settling in :/ Thanks for your response Empty Mirror! I know that I'm being a little harsh on myself, but like I said, I can't really help it. I'm just longing for that personal connection with someone, because it's one that I never really had when I was a child or growing up. Yeah, I know it's a good idea to stop watching the movies, but they kinda give me a hope that I will find someone out there that will be worth the wait. Maybe it's a paper thin hope, but it feels right. I try to get out more, going to public events and such, but with my classes, and friends with more classes than myself...it's kinda hard sometimes. All of my friends are straight, I literally have no gay friends outside of the internet, so it's hard to talk with people about this kinda thing. About the whole negative nancy attitude I have been displaying...it is completely abnormal for me to feel this way. I'm generally a very happy person who only wants to makes another persons day better even if all it takes is a smile. It's just this past week, I've lost so much sleep and stuff, I'm finding it a bit hard to be happy with myself. I know I need to take it easy, but being around all my friends in relationship all the time and seeing how happy they are, I can't help but feel like, "I want that to." I know it sounds selfish, but I can't help it. I know that there is someone out there for me but on days like these, I just kinda feel like I need to find him now, maybe that's my problem. Thanks for all of the great advice, I will definitely try and adhere a lot of it. Maybe I just need to step out of my comfort zone and go to an event, I'm generally to straight acting for a guy to approach me in that sorta way. I try and "Show" that I'm gay, but that never helps haha. Thanks for everything though guys! I'll definitely try and cheer up, thanks for talking me through a lot of this, you guys are awesome!
