"Single Again... Back on the Prowl...

It is really hard at first but it gets easier with time but sometimes in the day you have a thought about something you shared and it can still hurt that its still not happening but as i said it gets easier. i know its not that good advice but i was with a guy at the begining of this year and i fell in love with him and one night he text mer saying we need to talk and he was all happy and the next minute he said '' i got offered a job........in the us'' so we broke apart and then he was on msn a while back and he started telling me about how great its been since he came out and hes met this really hot guy and hes meeting his parents and his jobs great and this was 3 weeks after we broke up and it hurt like hell and sometimes when i think of him now to be honest in a way i hate him, i know i shouldnt but i just hate and feel so crap about it but deep down i want to be happy for him cause its the dream of his and i am starting to get over it.
But if you think its going to be really hard maybe consider either you moving out or asking your ex to cause it sounds like its causing you pain to hear some stuff she said like'' its going to be lonley going to be alone'' but your young there will be that girl who will come along and make you incredibly happy like you deserve and you can make all your dreams happen focus on something else rather than dwell on the pain of the break up.

take care and remember we are all here for you and if you wanna talk feel free to pm me

 

I really, really feel for you (*hug*). I went through a very, very messy breakup with my ex-bf, which a part of me is still recovering from. It is very difficult, especially when you have been together for a while, have planned your future together, and your daily routines are planned around each other, to suddenly not be with them anymore. It takes a long time, and effort, to get back on your feet, whatever the reason for the break-up, and whatever side of the decision you are on.

It sounds from your post that you are still living together. Is this true? I think that this, or even any frequent contact, will make things exceedingly difficult. It may seem harsh, and it is very hard, but I think that in many cases you really need distance from a person in order for it to seem real and permanent. This is especially so in long-term relationships where your intimacy is not merely sexual but your whole lives are wound up together.

The fact is, from living together, you will have this intimacy which is difficult to separate into sexual and non-sexual intimacy. I mean things like just hanging around together, non-sexual physical contact, in-jokes, routines, and ways of thinking. I found that when I split with my ex, I could no longer remain near him, and had to move out earlier than planned. This was in part because although were no longer together, we still had this sort of intimacy, which I felt mocked me, and which I felt was a mere mockery and shadow of the real thing. In truth, it was the everyday things, and the everyday companionship, more than the sex, which tore me up more than anything else.

Loneliness is very hard to deal with after a split with a long-term partner. I suffered from it a lot. And there is, I'm afraid, nothing to cure this but time. (I would avoid other relationships for a while. The need for companionship, and the physical presence of someone, such as at night, can be overwhelming).

In my experience (which may not be yours), it turned out to be a toss-up between excruciating loneliness yet being able to let go of all the lost dreams and hopes, and continuing companionship, but being unable to let go of what was in the end merely a shadow of our former intimacy.

It depends how you feel, but one thing I found is that time IS the ultimate healer. I don't think that anyone ever heals totally, but it will get better. And you will get lonely. But what concerns me is that if you still live together, or even if you don't, but still interact with each other on a frequent basis, then it can be difficult to move on. If there is one thing I've learnt it's this: it is excruciatingly hard to move backwards with someone in terms of intimacy. And sometimes sharp leaps backwards can be better than confusing steps away from each other.

I think that ultimately, what you need is time, and a bit of distance. If this means moving out, then so be it, however hard. Things often get worse before they get better: this is how it was with me. I had to separate myself from the companionship we had left in order to truly heal. This may not be true for you, and it is not to say that you can't be friends (if you feel you both have the same expectations of your relationship from now on) - but remember it is hard to move on from a relationship when you are still living in the shadow of it.

But I'm really sorry to hear that you've broken up (*hug*) (*hug*). It involves many things, including a huge change of routine, and a huge readjustment of your expectations and hopes for the future. But you just have to know that it does get better. It will be very weird, yes, and painful at times - but presumably you made this decision for a reason, and you will come out of it ok.

 

My last relationship ended...well, it wasn't messy so much as just rather confusing. There was a lot of attempting to "still be friends", miscommunication, and what not. Nothing really horrible, though.

My only advice would be to work towards moving out.

Lex

 

Sorry you can't move out. However, if you're sure this is definate then I would advise being crystal clear and completely consistent about your boundaries with each other. I think that, for instance, you should both be clear about the amount and sort of physical contact you're allowed to have with each other eg friend-hugging and other non-sexual touching. It can be very confusing and difficult if you're both working to different boundaries. You should also both be very clear with each other that you're not getting back together - you don't say how she reacted to the news, but as you're seeing each other every day you have to make sure that nothing you do is misinterpreted.

So yes, in practical terms all I can really advise is that you are clear with each other about your boundaries, and that you make sure that you don't get into situations where you misinterpret each other. And with this I'd say don't get into situations where, for instance, you sleep in the same bed and hug but don't sleep together - these sorts of things can be VERY confusing. My emotional advice I've already given - but I hope you manage ok

 

Well, welcome back to the single club, I signed up a few days ago...
I'm sorry to hear you had such a messy break up with her, I broke up with my bf a few days ago but luckily things were pretty smooth.
After seeing the mega-posts above me, I don't really know what I can say to help you.

 

>>>...she will not stop saying things like, "Being your friend is okay, but I really miss being your girlfriend."

Well, stop taking it. Call her out on that. Tell her, "Look, there are parts of being your girlfriend that I miss, too, but that's in the past now. It's time to move on. I'd rather not dwell on that anymore."

Lex